He likes to "threaten" divorce, but I can never agree to it

[Chosen]

When he is somewhat dysregulated (usually not at the peak of dysregulation, but when he's "winding down" from it), uBPDh likes to "suggest" ("threaten", you know what I mean) divorce.  Usually he would say that "since I've given everything and you're still not happy, you're still making everyone around you sad, and still taking out your temper on me, I can't think of another way but to separate".  He'll tell me that given my track records, I will never change, I will always be the rude, unappreciative person that I am, etc. 

If I say I don't want a divorce, he would keep pushing it, say there's no way we could work it out since I will never change.  Then sometimes I would change my tactic and agree with him.  Last night I said, "Maybe you're right.  Maybe we should consider it."  (Note: I'm not saying "we should do it", just saying we should consider what he suggested, as he claims I always say "no" to everything he says).  Then he pointed his finger in my face and said that "Don't you dare threaten me".  I then (again, calmly) said I'm not threatening divorce, it is not something I want, but since he brought it up, then maybe it's worth thinking about.  He was still angry but I guess he found nothing to fault me with, so he dropped that issue (until next time, HAHA).

I'm wondering if any of you have these threats from time to time, and how to best diffuse it.  To be honest, I hate hearing it, and I told him before that if you keep saying it then the idea blooms in your head and you will eventually want to do it.  But of course he keeps saying it.  So now I've given up trying to change what he says (no point using logic with him), and I know he's bringing it up not really because he wants it, but because he is stuck with his feelings (can't find a way out) and also he's trying to bring up some reaction in me.  So... how would you suggest me to reply? 

(I'm not asking about whether to actually get a divorce or not.  It's not something I want, and at this point I would say it's not something I would do on my side, unless he is divorcing me then I have no choice.)

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[Butane]

Usually he would say that "since I've given everything and you're still not happy, you're still making everyone around you sad, and still taking out your temper on me, I can't think of another way but to separate". 

He'll tell me that given my track records, I will never change, I will always be the rude, unappreciative person that I am, etc. 

I'm wondering if any of you have these threats from time to time, and how to best diffuse it. 

Hi, I just wanted to say that I have heard your husband's words come out of my husband's mouth many, many times. Sometimes in anger, sometimes as a calm lecture. His accusations are mostly untrue, with grains of truth, as no spouse is perfect. My recollections of my marriage are way more positive than his.

I have always resisted the idea of separation and divorce with emotional pleas (we are currently separated and a month ago while severely triggered he told me he doesn't love me, and wants a divorce). NC at the moment. It is very painful.

My response of "emotional pleas" (unfortunately I cry easily) is NOT a good idea, I realize too late... from what I've been reading on this site, it would be much better to use a non-emotional approach like "Honey, I am sorry you have been hurt in those ways. I really value our marriage and I hope you will change your mind"... then back off.

I pushed too hard and I realize now my husband's instinct is to RUN when emotions are too high.   

[Greenbrier]

My experience is similar, albeit the threat from my wife is “If [condition not met] then I will divorce you in four years when the kids are gone”.  I’ve had two moments, though, where she was sobbing and throwing clothes into a suitcase and saying “we’re done”.  I was able to talk her down.

Things are better now, probably partly because we worked through some of the underlying conflicts.  But also, I have stopped “dancing” to the divorce tune.  Initially, having “given in” to demands and allowed myself to be manipulated by threats of her leaving, I appear to have handed her a terrible tool of control.  Divorce as a threat—or “promise” depending on her anger level at a given moment—for a while seemed to come up more often, not less, after I acquiesced.  This was clear to me very quickly.

I changed my response.  Now I have tried to take the emotional wind out of that sail by not reacting emotionally, and I tell her something like, “well, you will have to do what you feel is best.”  The divorce threat is now rare, and more often she speaks of a future that has me in it. 

It sounds like your husband has found this threat (possibly unconsciously) to be a useful manipulative tool, perhaps to “test” your love.  It seems to have been revealed as such when you called his bluff.

Good luck in this difficult situation.  I don’t know how things will go in your relationship (or mine in the long run), but I hope that you will find that by changing your reaction to his threats, he reaches for this tool less often.