Have you told your Ex you think they are BP?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

After three months of separation, I am practicing low-contact (thanks to advice from this group) with my BP husband while we navigate our divorce. He has been through the typical black/white splitting - days of cooperation where I'm a supportive partner, days of conflict where I am a horrible person. This week, we are in a good place and in agreement on how we carefully communicate. He just told me that he is looking for a therapist that can provide strong guidance in DBT therapy. He has never said he is diagnosed BPD, but his welcoming this type therapy gives me hope that he is coming to some understanding of how his brain works.

My question is: I have read so much about BPD (currently reading Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified by  Robert Friedel, MD, and I want to share the information with him and his grown children (by his previous marriage), so they learn explanations for his behavior, hope in treatment and find more compassion for him, as I have. I know the Lessons suggest we do not tell the BP we think they are suffering from BPD. Has anyone shared this with their BP and what was the result?

[Dulce]

After three months of separation, I am practicing low-contact (thanks to advice from this group) with my BP husband while we navigate our divorce. He has been through the typical black/white splitting - days of cooperation where I'm a supportive partner, days of conflict where I am a horrible person. This week, we are in a good place and in agreement on how we carefully communicate. He just told me that he is looking for a therapist that can provide strong guidance in DBT therapy. He has never said he is diagnosed BPD, but his welcoming this type therapy gives me hope that he is coming to some understanding of how his brain works.

My question is: I have read so much about BPD (currently reading Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified by  Robert Friedel, MD, and I want to share the information with him and his grown children (by his previous marriage), so they learn explanations for his behavior, hope in treatment and find more compassion for him, as I have. I know the Lessons suggest we do not tell the BP we think they are suffering from BPD. Has anyone shared this with their BP and what was the result?

[Ruskin]

In my experience sharing any concerns relating to my partners mental health ended very badly for me.  My partner is undiagnosed (other than ptsd, depression anxiety)

As you have stated the literature seems to suggest that it does tend to be challenging to discuss this with the non diagnosed.

I have found discussing with family does not generally help either but in my case I was talking to their siblings and they came from a background with very high prejudice against mental health.  Younger generations seem to be more understanding so this prejudice may not be present
Regards

R

[Panda39]

First of all we can't diagnose anyone we are not trained to do that.

But the real reason it isn't suggested is because it can cause shame (which is very much at the heart of BPD) and be hurtful to the person you label. There is stigma attached to mental illness in general and BPD in particular.  How would it feel to you if someone labeled you as mentally ill?  I know I wouldn't like it.  Then how would you respond?  Denial, get defensive, cry, distance yourself, ignore it etc?

You can still address the behaviors and share tools and information without actually assigning a name to it.  I would absolutely encourage the DBT Therapy, learn more about it and share information with him, talk about the symptoms he's having that he shares with you etc., but I encourage you to not label him it could cause more harm/pain than good.

My significant other post divorce confronted his uBPDxw and called her out on BPD.  She just stared at him and was silent (which is what she does when she is cornered and has no argument).  Telling her this information did not change anything, she doesn't see the problem therefore doesn't address it and just continues to repeat the same patterns over and over 8 years later.  What did it do...it probably made him feel good in that moment smarter than her, superior, better than her and  It likely hurt her, made her ashamed and feel bad about herself but did it suddenly motivate her to get help, unfortunately no.

Maybe look truthfully at why you want to label your Husband?  What do you get from doing it? Can you help him or work with him without labeling him?

Panda39

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Dulce, I suspect any such conversation will be poorly received, coming from you, which is why it's best to leave diagnosing to professionals.  In other words, it's a bad idea, in my view.

LuckyJim

[Dulce]

Thanks to everybody for the feedback on whether or not to suggest to my husband he is BPD. It was very helpful to learn of your experiences/points of view. I will not say anything about BPD to him, but continue to offer support and information when asked. I have been the caretaker in our relationship and he continues to ask me for support, which is why I have tried to learn all I can about BPD. The good thing is that he is working hard for better mental health and just finished a 10-day outpatient mental health program.