Hi from an oldtimer

[an0ught]

Hi everyone,

a few years ago I was washed on the shores of this board. Fairly battered, with plenty of escalating conflicts in the relationship, self destructive behavior, suicide and breakup threats. With support of some wonderful people and friends here I learned to better understand the dynamics and drivers of the chaotic situation I found myself in. I learned about the tools and was able to stabilize things a bit. I stopped bailing out my wife and that probably contributed to her after hitting a few boundaries to work on herself. Things got better. I was able to sort of job challenges. I was able to sort out health challenges and was supported a lot by my wife. These days I think we have a relationship with more than normal baggage but may also one that maybe is in a better shape than most normal ones.

While my wife certainly changed I changed too. Learning validation skills made a big difference - I did not really have a good grip on understanding emotions nor expressing mine. Whatever weak boundary skills I had before the relationship were gone and I had to rebuild and build solid ones. It also required me to think about why I was in such a relationship (again and again) and where the foundation for my insufficient self care lay. It took a while and much love and hand-holding here from ambassadors and staff. Alone the journey would not have been possible.

For a while I had to stay away from this board. Everything here was in some way or another triggering me. My life was getting better but diffuse anxiety was bubbling up at random times (part of it a side effect of some medication I needed for other reasons). But it is mostly gone now   Putting some boundaries in place (not just w/ my wife) helped a lot. Making the right decisions consistently wrt. to a career change also payed off.

Turning around a relationship takes time, it takes real effort, there is a price and it is not risk free. But it can work and for some it is worth a try. Whatever path you choose here: Please take a look at the LESSONS at the top of this board. Learning these skills will have a positive impact on your life beyond the relationship. Get started on getting better.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Hi an0ought!

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us. It's so great to hear from someone who has been there and has managed to create and sustain positive change. I'm currently in the early stages of the same thing with my husband and hopefully we stay on the path you're on: strengthening and growing our relationship and getting ourselves (individually) in better, healthier places. It's valuable and encouraging to hear that it can work.

Welcome back!

[Skip]

Aller Anfang ist schwer!
(Every beginning is hard)

[SunandMoon]

Hi An0ught

Welcome back!  I've read a lot of your posts over the years.
Thanks for coming back and giving us hope!

I 100% agree that learning the lessons and doing the work makes a huge difference to these difficult relationships. Hopefully in a few more years, we'll be where you and your wife are.

SaM x

[Cat Familiar]

Hi AnOught,
I'm glad to hear things are going so well in your life. You gave me wonderful support during the dark days of my relationship. Like you, things are on a good path with my marriage, even better than I would ever have imagined. Thank you for helping me and sharing your wisdom and compassion.

Cat