Both of these comments were exactly how I felt about him

[Sunandrain]

I’d like to get advice about whats going on in a particular recurring situation...I think its whats known as projection but not sure and am not clear about it anyway.
So after 3 weeks of my partner being in a crisis...various BPD behaviours...including isolating himself at home by constantly watching you tube music (18 hrs a day incl getting up at 3 am to log in)  ...mostly sad film soundtracks/pop songs from 20 years ago and repeating same artists over and over...( rather like a teenager not someone in fifties!) he seemed a bit more affable today. So I reached out when he said earlier that he wanted to visit a mutual friend with me by saying ‘ what time would you like to go’. I received a short snappy reply’ Im only going if you behave yourself’..When I replied that I didnt know what he meant ( I add in a soft neutral tone)...he replied ‘ when I go out with you you just have a go at me so I dont want to go anywhere with you’  ...I couldnt beleive what I had just heard! Both of these comments were exactly how I felt about him...its as though he really believed this about me when it was so clear he was desscribing his own behaviours toward me. Whats more he said he wanted to go out and then seemed to be creating conflict which would mean we would go?  Later when we were at a friends house...he sat on his own ..plugged his earphones in to listen to his music rather than taking part in the everyday chat...when he was asked to come outside and join us he said ...looking at a decorative far eastern face mask on the wall ...’Im talking to this person ( pointing at the face mask) ..they are angry. Like you...and nodded toward me.’ Again all I can think is that he is projecting what he feels ...it is him who has been an extremely angry person these last weeks. Meanwhile I try to keep calm as I really dont know how to cope with this. Sometimes I subconsciously inhale just to catch my breath, swallow or gently shut my eyes. If he sees me do these things he starts getting angry ..’ stop shutting your eyes/ breathing like that ...you dont listen to me’. He says this in a very aggressive tone.

So can anyone help me understand whats going on here ...first with the allegations to me about my supposed behaviour when he’s clearly describing his own? And secondly what to do ...especially when he shouts at me for doing something as normal as breathing? Im trying to cope by just keeping my distance at present but dont want to add to the problem.

Oh and one more thing ...does this listening to music at all hours of day and night resonate with anyone? Hes really getting very little sleep and I wonder if he’s having some sort of delusion as he mentioned ‘ ive got to listen to this’ ...thinking there is a message for him specifically ( hes previously been diagnosed with paranoid delusions).
Thanks for any advice!

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[once removed]

hi Sunandrain,

one thing ive learned is that "projection" is not necessarily the same thing as "hypocrisy". when two people are in conflict, and one or both are at the other's throat, its not uncommon for both parties to feel the same way about the other. projecting can certainly happen in that case, where one (or both) party is doing a bit of mind reading and accusing the other of a certain intention, based on their own feelings.

it does sound like your partner is doing a fair amount of that, baiting you, and really not expressing his frustrations in the best manner.

he replied ‘ when I go out with you you just have a go at me so I dont want to go anywhere with you’  ...I couldnt beleive what I had just heard!
...
’Im talking to this person ( pointing at the face mask) ..they are angry. Like you...and nodded toward me.’

how did you respond to these?

[Sunandrain]

Hi Once removed ..thanks for your reply
You ask how I responded to these?
‘he replied ‘ when I go out with you you just have a go at me so I dont want to go anywhere with you’  ...I couldnt beleive what I had just heard!
...
’Im talking to this person ( pointing at the face mask) ..they are angry. Like you...and nodded toward me.’

In the first instance I said but you arranged for both of us to go there...he then denied it saying I had arranged it. I said ‘thats just not true...and when we do go out its you thats having a go at me not the other way round’. I did this very calmly as often I dont confront him as I know it just makes matters worse. Tnis time he just did not respond again and left the room.

After the second statement ...we were with other people...i just said ‘ well thats not true...its not me thats angry’

Im not sure if this was the right way to respond. What I have noticed is that I have tried explaining to him previously that he sems very angry and certainly when we do go out and he starts having a go I have pointed out that he does this every time we
leave the house. It strikes me that he’s remembered these two things and repeated them back to me.

[once removed]

It strikes me that he’s remembered these two things and repeated them back to me.

he may be mimicking you a bit. thats important to note. in our relationships, we lead by example.

In the first instance I said but you arranged for both of us to go there...he then denied it saying I had arranged it. I said ‘thats just not true...and when we do go out its you thats having a go at me not the other way round’. I did this very calmly as often I dont confront him as I know it just makes matters worse. Tnis time he just did not respond again and left the room.

After the second statement ...we were with other people...i just said ‘ well thats not true...its not me thats angry’

generally, putting an accusation back on the person that makes it can escalate an argument, or fuel a circular argument.

have you heard about JADE?

[Sunandrain]

Once Removed...thanks..I’ll read through the info here on JADE.