He is free to see other people, I need to choose

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am stressed, confused as never. I got my first grey hair. On March I had complete back block, Couldn’t move, couldn’t even sit to pee…All due to stress, I think. I was doing KonMari, which for me was super difficult emotionally, (I was finished with books, but lot of still was left to deal with), had tickets to my country (and didn’t feel good about it, wanted to finish my KonMari first), my D3 then had her first seizure that scared the hell out of me, my husband constantly was depressed and obsessed with colleague.
I gave up. And it was nasty. Husband helped first day, but then it was too much for him, and I still had to cook for my little one. I found book about back pain that helped me a lot to get rid of pain. Had MRI, my back is fragile, but not in the worst stage, just can’t run, play tennis, ride a horse . Never did those anyway. Most upsetting is that even yoga can be harmful. Doctor told to lose weight. Like 20 kilos. Husband said he would maybe like me again if I did that. Hurts. SO superficial. Not suitable for PLEASE READing, suitable for PLEASE READing…He made similar comment after I whitened my teeth, maybe he should reconsider now. Well it’s clear: hot student from bar better than overweight tired mom and wife with back pain. Does it sound like marriage?

I went later to my country, me and D3. Before I got my back blocked, he was planning to go together. He had tickets. But then he was moved to another floor at work. Away from colleague that he is obsessed with. And he said he doesn’t need to go on holidays, as he doesn’t need to get away from her anymore. While I was at my parents, he started going through bars. Irony of that. I always asked to go to bar, or restaurant or just to have a cup of tea, to go somewhere (even before our daughter), he would always say no, or be very stressed if we did. No money, it’s expensive blabla, I don’t like to drive. And now he was going through bars, from one town to another at the same evening. Looking for friends…Bisexual friends to understand who he was, not looking to score. His doctor told to find friends…In the bars? You make friends with neighbours; with other parents from D3 school…He never even tried to even say high to them. Anyway. He would write me from bars crying how lonely he was, there was no one in the bar, or just people with friends, and against my inner feelings I was trying to be there for him, say encouraging things, like talk to the bartender. He started to be enthusiastic, Oh I was with these girls from uni, didn’t hit on them, I made friends, we will meet again…Till one morning I found missed calls and 30 messages. He crashed car. I was waiting for it. With all the bars, lack of sleep (and he takes medics that makes him sleep half day) and beers…I was not sorry. Couldn’t even fake it. He got what he was asking for. After, he started asking when we would be back. How the accident made him see things, he is grateful we were not with him in the car. He was done with bars.

I had panicked when I was packing my bags…I had to go back, had workshop, had to finish KonMari, but I didn’t want to go back to that misery. We came back. He was all cheery, like wanting to kiss me, and I couldn’t force me. What? Like nothing happened? Happy couple? He went to depressive mood fast. Things were tensed. His doctor said he wanted to see us both. I asked why, then he asked if I were happy. And we ended up calmly talking that we can’t be together anymore. That was 2 weeks ago. Managed to go through birthday of my daughter. He wanted us to be there so he could celebrate together, but he could hardly do it. Overall was nice day, but devil is in the details.

So I have to make decision. 1. To stay here. He has his freedom, I try to build life for me. To better myself. It is nice here. D4 is used to this apartment; moving last time was really hard on her. She is about to start school that is really excited about, has her monthly yoga that she loves, would start theatre. And she would play chess in school and learn German…There’s lake and mountains. People are nice. Without the stress at home and more time while she is at school I could build slowly something for me. That was the plan. But will he become normal again once he is free to sleep with who he wants, will there be less tension at home? Money will be tighter now that he will go on his adventures. He tries to make schedule, and give me some time off too.. But he might crash again: bars, sex dates, family trips, pills…I don’t really see how it is possible. When he has nothing planned, he sleeps all day. He says we can go somewhere but then he is up only at 1 pm. If he has a thing for him, he is all exited, wakes up, and stays late.

 I was feeling like I am in the way lately. He would be nice (when he can) with D4 but me…Like he doesn’t know how to react to me. If I hug friendly in front of D4 he pushes away, when he sees me he just looks annoyed. Just 2 and half weeks he said he loved me. In these conditions, I can’t stay here, no matter how good it is here for D4. And he says we are good team, we can live like we did he just goes to see people.  Maybe I can learn to completely ignore his moods, feelings, reactions? For now, I am too dependent. I don’t drive (too scared), don’t have income, plan, he does all the calls to doctors, he knows it all better (his thinking), and I allowed it to happen.
It is hard to work on myself when it is so stressful at home. His moods are mostly negative and stressed with glimpse of light. He is going through a lot and his doc encourages him to try things, but all that is braking our relation. Yesterday he left for bar after D4 fell asleep. No alcohol but still with only little sleep, and this morning he had a thing in another town that he didn’t tell me about anything. Doctors’ orders. When D4 asked why he won’t be here he said he couldn’t tell. And just an hour ago he texted saying he might take her to zoo as it is near by where he was going. He wanted to take her with him after going to bar having little sleep and going somewhere where he can’t tell me where? He is delusional.

I am not ok of not knowing where he goes, going to bars, not because I care, but because he won’t be able to perform as a father and do all the things needed to be done at home.
My second option is to go back to my country. And there I have to choose too. To go back near my family. Safe choice. More help, but more pressure and worries (find job what you will do and so on). All the negativity I don’t need. But there my D4 would have similar activities, family and environment she is familiar with. Less stress for her. I would like to live by the sea. 2 more choices: Port town with more activities, or spa town that I truly love, sea 5 minutes by foot, very clean air, with pine forests but less activities for her age kids. I mean group activities like yoga, theatre, chess. There are kinder gardens, but I am very picky about them. She would have sand castles, waves clean weather, playgrounds, and fairy tale park she adores. Family far. With public transportation 2-4 hours drive. No plane needed though  

I also need to figure out who I am, what I can do, how to live alone. Never lived alone. We met when were 19 and he fast took over all organisational things. I grew up with great mom, but she was (still is, part is why I hesitate to live next to her), very controlling, like she gets everything done and knows everything best. I believed long time she did knew it all.  She needs to take care of everything, make all calls and stuff. I never learned to be independent. And I have 2 masters…Clearly work for therapists, but I am blocked to contact them. Have tabs open with their names…Can’t do it. I would depend on my husband to look after D4 and maybe to bring me there…It is in foreign language…

Here I am today, I feel my back is acting out again. My mind wonders through all those options, regrets of what I would leave here, fears of what I’ll find, people expectations, my daughters future. It will depend on my decision what will become of her. Priority is stable emotional state. I love her so much.

Oh, one more thing. With doctors convincing he agreed to take loan to get apartment in my country for our D4. And he would need to pay for her, that would be enough to get a break for few months, without worrying about money. I need time to find what I want to do. I don’t want to keep moving. I want my D4 to have home. Safe place.

…..
He came back in a good mood. Normal. Chatty, smiling, joking, we spent evening outside, even send air kiss. With no tension. Was nice for a change   Makes me want to stay…

[desperate.wife]

I am stressed, confused as never. I got my first grey hair. On March I had complete back block, Couldn’t move, couldn’t even sit to pee…All due to stress, I think. I was doing KonMari, which for me was super difficult emotionally, (I was finished with books, but lot of still was left to deal with), had tickets to my country (and didn’t feel good about it, wanted to finish my KonMari first), my D3 then had her first seizure that scared the hell out of me, my husband constantly was depressed and obsessed with colleague.
I gave up. And it was nasty. Husband helped first day, but then it was too much for him, and I still had to cook for my little one. I found book about back pain that helped me a lot to get rid of pain. Had MRI, my back is fragile, but not in the worst stage, just can’t run, play tennis, ride a horse . Never did those anyway. Most upsetting is that even yoga can be harmful. Doctor told to lose weight. Like 20 kilos. Husband said he would maybe like me again if I did that. Hurts. SO superficial. Not suitable for PLEASE READing, suitable for PLEASE READing…He made similar comment after I whitened my teeth, maybe he should reconsider now. Well it’s clear: hot student from bar better than overweight tired mom and wife with back pain. Does it sound like marriage?

I went later to my country, me and D3. Before I got my back blocked, he was planning to go together. He had tickets. But then he was moved to another floor at work. Away from colleague that he is obsessed with. And he said he doesn’t need to go on holidays, as he doesn’t need to get away from her anymore. While I was at my parents, he started going through bars. Irony of that. I always asked to go to bar, or restaurant or just to have a cup of tea, to go somewhere (even before our daughter), he would always say no, or be very stressed if we did. No money, it’s expensive blabla, I don’t like to drive. And now he was going through bars, from one town to another at the same evening. Looking for friends…Bisexual friends to understand who he was, not looking to score. His doctor told to find friends…In the bars? You make friends with neighbours; with other parents from D3 school…He never even tried to even say high to them. Anyway. He would write me from bars crying how lonely he was, there was no one in the bar, or just people with friends, and against my inner feelings I was trying to be there for him, say encouraging things, like talk to the bartender. He started to be enthusiastic, Oh I was with these girls from uni, didn’t hit on them, I made friends, we will meet again…Till one morning I found missed calls and 30 messages. He crashed car. I was waiting for it. With all the bars, lack of sleep (and he takes medics that makes him sleep half day) and beers…I was not sorry. Couldn’t even fake it. He got what he was asking for. After, he started asking when we would be back. How the accident made him see things, he is grateful we were not with him in the car. He was done with bars.

I had panicked when I was packing my bags…I had to go back, had workshop, had to finish KonMari, but I didn’t want to go back to that misery. We came back. He was all cheery, like wanting to kiss me, and I couldn’t force me. What? Like nothing happened? Happy couple? He went to depressive mood fast. Things were tensed. His doctor said he wanted to see us both. I asked why, then he asked if I were happy. And we ended up calmly talking that we can’t be together anymore. That was 2 weeks ago. Managed to go through birthday of my daughter. He wanted us to be there so he could celebrate together, but he could hardly do it. Overall was nice day, but devil is in the details.

So I have to make decision. 1. To stay here. He has his freedom, I try to build life for me. To better myself. It is nice here. D4 is used to this apartment; moving last time was really hard on her. She is about to start school that is really excited about, has her monthly yoga that she loves, would start theatre. And she would play chess in school and learn German…There’s lake and mountains. People are nice. Without the stress at home and more time while she is at school I could build slowly something for me. That was the plan. But will he become normal again once he is free to sleep with who he wants, will there be less tension at home? Money will be tighter now that he will go on his adventures. He tries to make schedule, and give me some time off too.. But he might crash again: bars, sex dates, family trips, pills…I don’t really see how it is possible. When he has nothing planned, he sleeps all day. He says we can go somewhere but then he is up only at 1 pm. If he has a thing for him, he is all exited, wakes up, and stays late.

 I was feeling like I am in the way lately. He would be nice (when he can) with D4 but me…Like he doesn’t know how to react to me. If I hug friendly in front of D4 he pushes away, when he sees me he just looks annoyed. Just 2 and half weeks he said he loved me. In these conditions, I can’t stay here, no matter how good it is here for D4. And he says we are good team, we can live like we did he just goes to see people.  Maybe I can learn to completely ignore his moods, feelings, reactions? For now, I am too dependent. I don’t drive (too scared), don’t have income, plan, he does all the calls to doctors, he knows it all better (his thinking), and I allowed it to happen.
It is hard to work on myself when it is so stressful at home. His moods are mostly negative and stressed with glimpse of light. He is going through a lot and his doc encourages him to try things, but all that is braking our relation. Yesterday he left for bar after D4 fell asleep. No alcohol but still with only little sleep, and this morning he had a thing in another town that he didn’t tell me about anything. Doctors’ orders. When D4 asked why he won’t be here he said he couldn’t tell. And just an hour ago he texted saying he might take her to zoo as it is near by where he was going. He wanted to take her with him after going to bar having little sleep and going somewhere where he can’t tell me where? He is delusional.

I am not ok of not knowing where he goes, going to bars, not because I care, but because he won’t be able to perform as a father and do all the things needed to be done at home.
My second option is to go back to my country. And there I have to choose too. To go back near my family. Safe choice. More help, but more pressure and worries (find job what you will do and so on). All the negativity I don’t need. But there my D4 would have similar activities, family and environment she is familiar with. Less stress for her. I would like to live by the sea. 2 more choices: Port town with more activities, or spa town that I truly love, sea 5 minutes by foot, very clean air, with pine forests but less activities for her age kids. I mean group activities like yoga, theatre, chess. There are kinder gardens, but I am very picky about them. She would have sand castles, waves clean weather, playgrounds, and fairy tale park she adores. Family far. With public transportation 2-4 hours drive. No plane needed though  

I also need to figure out who I am, what I can do, how to live alone. Never lived alone. We met when were 19 and he fast took over all organisational things. I grew up with great mom, but she was (still is, part is why I hesitate to live next to her), very controlling, like she gets everything done and knows everything best. I believed long time she did knew it all.  She needs to take care of everything, make all calls and stuff. I never learned to be independent. And I have 2 masters…Clearly work for therapists, but I am blocked to contact them. Have tabs open with their names…Can’t do it. I would depend on my husband to look after D4 and maybe to bring me there…It is in foreign language…

Here I am today, I feel my back is acting out again. My mind wonders through all those options, regrets of what I would leave here, fears of what I’ll find, people expectations, my daughters future. It will depend on my decision what will become of her. Priority is stable emotional state. I love her so much.

Oh, one more thing. With doctors convincing he agreed to take loan to get apartment in my country for our D4. And he would need to pay for her, that would be enough to get a break for few months, without worrying about money. I need time to find what I want to do. I don’t want to keep moving. I want my D4 to have home. Safe place.

…..
He came back in a good mood. Normal. Chatty, smiling, joking, we spent evening outside, even send air kiss. With no tension. Was nice for a change   Makes me want to stay…

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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