From Silent BPD to LOUD BPD - First Post

[nortkee]

First off, I am so glad I found this website and forum. I am feeling increasingly confused and alone and just knowing that this place exists is a comfort to me, however small.

My partner and I have known each other since the early 2000s, but our relationship was strictly a long-distance online friendship until 2017 when we finally made the commitment to meet. I had been in several relationships throughout these years but he and I would talk off and on in "down times" and we always knew we'd be a good match. When we first met, it was incredible, and he was moving to my state within months because we simply couldn't live without each other.

The first 2.5 years of our relationship were a literal dream. I've never, ever felt love with such intensity in my life. He was patient and kind, affectionate and sweet... our physical intimacy was absolutely off the charts. I had absolutely zero complaints for so, so long. In this time period, arguments were rare, and when they happened, they were tame. We never said a harsh word to one another, even if we were extremely upset.

In late 2019, his biological dad died. He had never met his dad, but he was in the process of preparing himself to reach out when he got the news. I was pregnant with our daughter at the time, which was in itself a stressor as it wasn't the easiest pregnancy thanks to my "advanced maternal age," ha. We've identified his dad's death as the sort of turning point where things just got... progressively more intense. There were so many outside forces that all hit us, one after another, including (but not limited to):

- His mom being in poor health
- Our daughter's birth in January
- COVID (compounded by being high risk due to underlying health conditions)
- His mom flagrantly ignoring the risks associated with COVID
- His unemployment due to COVID

This all culminated in a mental breakdown back in late March or early April, triggered by a scare where we both briefly thought we had contracted COVID as well as a particularly difficult phone conversation with his mom who lives several states away. It was such an intense moment in our lives and it's hard to even put into words, but he describes it as his brain breaking. He was in a dissociative state for several hours and I really had no idea what was happening. He was trying so hard to communicate but genuinely could not get words out. I was having to physically position him on the couch because he would get stuck in uncomfortable positions while he tried to stream-of-consciousness speak with me, to tell me something important he needed to tell me. He would start, then stop, then go into almost a catatonic state... and repeat the cycle with brief moments of lucidity between.

The next day, he was finally able to tell me what he was trying to explain in the midst of this breakdown. He admitted that his online journal (which is how we kept in touch in the mid-2000s to shortly before we met) was mostly fabricated, in that none of the relationships he wrote about had ever actually existed. He explained that his first relationship, which was with an 32 year old married woman when he was 19, had hurt him so badly that he was terrified of ever getting into another relationship, but that he wanted to appear "normal" to me as I read his journal, so he embellished heavily on crushes and almost-relationships he had over the years. The reason he was trying so hard to tell me while breaking down was that he genuinely thought he was dying and he didn't want to go to his grave without being honest with me.

I was blindsided by this, but honestly not terribly hurt. What came out of learning this information was the realization that the woman with whom he had his first "relationship" was a predator who had groomed and raped him. Over the course of the next several months he opened up to me in ways he never had before, and I learned more about his traumatic past. Prior to this, I knew his stepdad (who he thought was his real dad for the first 10 or 11 years of his life) was physically and verbally abusive, and that his mom was emotionally neglectful, but I didn't really know the depth of the abuse and neglect. He also eventually revealed that he had been repeatedly raped by a friend's mother for about a year, starting when he was 13.

So, there's the backstory into his trauma and the mental breakdown from which everything else kind of spiraled. Off and on for the last 8 or so months, things have been emotionally intense to say the least, and we have come to the conclusion that he has BPD. He has struggled with the symptoms pretty much all his life, but up until his breakdown they were all focused inward. When we got together and for the first 2.5 years of our relationship, I thought he was the most even-keel, well-rounded man I'd ever known. Since this "turning point," he can no longer regulate his emotions and he has no control over the things he says or does when triggered. He has said so many unkind things to me in the throes of our spiraling arguments

His demeanor and personality has changed even in moments of relative peace. He has become spiritual after years of agnosticism, and there have been stretches of what we are calling hypomania where he will delve into the facets of spirituality, quantum physics, infinity, etc. Sometimes I have the energy to talk about this and we have had a lot of exciting and interesting conversations about the nature of the universe, but there's always a shift where I'm not as engaged as he is and he often accuses me of not coming with him on this journey and actively pulling him back from his destiny.

The revelation that he most likely has BPD (which is pretty new, maybe not even a month at this point?) has been a bit of a mixed bag. He was the one to finally recognize that he has a personality disorder, and he checks nearly all of the boxes to a T, but he takes extreme umbrage with the idea that people with BPD are misinterpreting the emotions they so easily pick up on (and absorb) in others. And to his credit, when he recognizes an emotion in me, he's typically correct about its origin. He's extremely adept at detecting patterns of behavior and he knows me eerily well. But he cannot seem to recognize that there is literally never any malicious intent behind the emotions I display (or, more accurately, attempt to suppress, which is an issue in and of itself).

I am terrified of having negative emotions around him, which then is a self-fulfilling prophecy. He tells me not to treat him with "kid gloves" but I don't feel like I can say anything that doesn't echo his own thoughts or feelings about any given subject. He is particularly triggered by current events and hypocrisy, and even though he recognizes this, he doesn't seem to be able to step back from things that wind him up. And if I convey even the slightest hint that I disagree with his feelings about the subject (which I honestly rarely do, I am mostly just bracing for impact), it feels like just a matter of time before we have a blow up.

My heart hurts so badly for the trauma he experienced that led to his BPD. I know he is not to blame for this disorder. I love him so much, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is worth the pain as we navigate this. But after yesterday, I am doubting my strength to endure.

My mom tagged me and my 5 year old's dad in a Facebook post -- some Christmas activity that I barely even looked at. I think this triggered him as we have had discussions in the past about how he is seen as a "secondary parent" to my older daughter. We have differences in our approach to discipline and this has been a point of contention in the past. But I am not at all responsible for my mom's intentions behind tagging only me and my daughter's dad. I didn't even defend this action -- I have been working on not JADE-ing, and I cannot think of a single thing I did or didn't do that led to the explosion that occurred. I disengaged and gave him space (a necessity as I'm currently working from home) and he spent the entire day away from me. At some point in the evening I asked him if he wanted to talk, to which he replied with a flat, "No." I ended up going to bed at 8:30 after getting our 10 month old to sleep, and he never came to bed.

Today has been cordial but weird. I spent yesterday crying off and on while he was outside working. I am just feeling so incredibly alone. I don't feel loved. I don't feel like he cares at all about me in this moment. I feel like I am only ever bracing for impact, waiting for the moment everything explodes. This time just feels... different to me, like maybe he's finally reached true devaluation and he cannot see me as anything but bad. And I don't feel like I can talk about any of this with him right now because I don't want to restart the cycle.

I am bereft.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

You say you “don’t want to restart the cycle” and by that, what would you anticipate happening?

[nortkee]

I feel like if I try to talk about what led to yesterday’s explosion, more exploding will ensue.

Things have been tense over the last several days but I have been employing some stuff I’ve learned here, such as not JADE-ing and working hard to validate and not invalidate his emotions. I have been letting him rant about how hypocritical the world is, and how stupid these psychologists are (we’ve been watching BPD and other mental health videos) because they can’t recognize how people with BPD are actually extremely emotionally intelligent because they so accurately read emotions and mood shifts (which is true in his case but he forgets that INTENTION is also a thing).

I think he appreciated me listening and validating his feelings on these things to a point, but yesterday, which started just fine, he noticed some small toys on a table near our 10 month old’s baby fence, possibly within reach, and told me we need to have a talk with my 5 year old about keeping small toys in her room and out of the playroom. I agreed with him and apologized for not really conveying the importance of this to her, and as he went around picking things up he just seemed more and more agitated and said he’s been concerned about this but didn’t want to bring it up because discussing discipline and rules for our 5 year old  “always” turns into a fight. I agreed I (not we! Never we!) have definitely had issues with that in the past but that I wanted to change the dynamic and suggested we come up with a game plan on how to address it, and where to keep her small things, etc. never once did I disagree or defend myself, I tried to focus on how to enact change, but before I knew it he was doubling down on how he’s always been a secondary parent and how the aforementioned Facebook post by my mom proves that.

At this point I knew I needed to disengage because I could see how agitated and animated he was getting, and I had a Zoom meeting in like 10 minutes. I asked him if we could put a pin in it and talk about everything after work but I can’t even tell you what his response was, all I know is as I started heading back to my desk I heard a glass break.

So, that’s what I anticipate more of if I in any way bring up what happened yesterday. He did apologize to me this morning “about yesterday” but I don’t know what he was apologizing for since he spent the entirety of the rest of the day outside working on clearing out our shed. I don’t know if he was apologizing for the “fight” or for just checking out and ignoring me and never coming to bed.

There doesn’t seem to be much of a point in discussing anything of any consequence lately. He has a hairline trigger right now  and I don’t want to engage it.

He hasn’t been taking great care of himself lately. He isn’t sleeping much and he constantly forgets to eat. He KNOWS these are issues but I absolutely cannot recommend he come to bed because that’s treating him like a child. I don’t know what to do about these habits beyond let him exhaust himself and starve until he finally gets back on track out of sheer necessity.

[Cat Familiar]

What are you doing for self care? Having a partner with BPD necessitates that we take exceptional care of ourselves to be at our best.

[nortkee]

Very little, to be honest. I barely remember to eat, myself. Today I decided to make a playlist, does that count?

I have started writing a bit, just journal type stuff here and there. Thinking about doing some art but haven’t worked up to it.

This evening has been okay. We ordered delivery and I chatted with my mom, who doesn’t really know what’s going on beyond “he’s having a hard time” because I don’t want her to worry too much.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Nortkee:
I'm sorry about the difficulties you are having with your husband.  It has to be very difficult for you right now.

He admitted that his online journal (which is how we kept in touch in the mid-2000s to shortly before we met) was mostly fabricated, in that none of the relationships he wrote about had ever actually existed.

Based on his fabrication of relationship stories in the shared journal, how can you be sure that the other stories are true?

In late 2019, his biological dad died. He had never met his dad, but he was in the process of preparing himself to reach out when he got the news. . .I knew his stepdad (who he thought was his real dad for the first 10 or 11 years of his life) was physically and verbally abusive, and that his mom was emotionally neglectful, but I didn't really know the depth of the abuse and neglect. He also eventually revealed that he had been repeatedly raped by a friend's mother for about a year, starting when he was 13.

If the story about having a sexual relationship, with his friend's mother at 13, is accurate, he likely has some issues to sort out, but I'm wondering if that is the root cause of his meltdown and current behaviors (and a sole cause of possible BPD). It's far more common that some type of mental illness runs in the family, either a brain wiring issue or a brain chemistry issue. Hereditary issues are usually in the mix.  Quite often, family member's behaviors could qualify for a mental illness diagnosis, but they avoided getting one.

Why wasn't his father in his life? What did his mother tell your husband about his father, when she finally told him about the situation?

How did his mother neglect him emotionally?

I have been letting him rant about how hypocritical the world is, and how stupid these psychologists are (we’ve been watching BPD and other mental health videos) because they can’t recognize how people with BPD are actually extremely emotionally intelligent because they so accurately read emotions and mood shifts (which is true in his case but he forgets that INTENTION is also a thing). 

Sensing someone's mood, doesn't make them "emotionally intelligent".  His current behaviors are the opposite. What makes someone emotionally intelligent is to be able to manage their own emotions. They don't use "the silent treatment".  They set their own boundaries and respect the boundaries of others and be able to discuss differences and resolve problems.  The communication strategies in the workshops here, are examples of skills that emotionally intelligent people use.

As you unfortunately learned, stressful life events can set off major episodes of dysregulation, or activate some mental health condition.  It's easier said than done, but he really needs to be seen by a psychiatrist.  Not sleeping or eating could be a manic episode and may indicate a bipolar event or something else. 

[nortkee]

Based on his fabrication of relationship stories in the shared journal, how can you be sure that the other stories are true?

If the story about having a sexual relationship, with his friend's mother at 13, is accurate, he likely has some issues to sort out, but I'm wondering if that is the root cause of his meltdown and current behaviors (and a sole cause of possible BPD). It's far more common that some type of mental illness runs in the family, either a brain wiring issue or a brain chemistry issue. Hereditary issues are usually in the mix.  Quite often, family member's behaviors could qualify for a mental illness diagnosis, but they avoided getting one.

Why wasn't his father in his life? What did his mother tell your husband about his father, when she finally told him about the situation?

How did his mother neglect him emotionally?
Sensing someone's mood, doesn't make them "emotionally intelligent".  His current behaviors are the opposite. What makes someone emotionally intelligent is to be able to manage their own emotions. They don't use "the silent treatment".  They set their own boundaries and respect the boundaries of others and be able to discuss differences and resolve problems.  The communication strategies in the workshops here, are examples of skills that emotionally intelligent people use.

As you unfortunately learned, stressful life events can set off major episodes of dysregulation, or activate some mental health condition.  It's easier said than done, but he really needs to be seen by a psychiatrist.  Not sleeping or eating could be a manic episode and may indicate a bipolar event or something else. 

Hey Nibbler,

Thanks for the reply and the follow-up questions.

I know the relationship he had when he was 19 is true, because I personally know the woman he was involved with. We played an online role playing game in our youth/early adulthood and she was also a player. He and I were friends and she asked him to stop talking with me way back in the day. After we got together in real life, we would talk about this relationship from time to time and I was actually the one who pointed out that the things she did were not consensual. He confronted her about everything and I was by his side the whole time, so that relationship is absolutely not in question.

The one that took place when he was 13 would be a very elaborate lie, as he offhandedly mentioned to me, a long time ago, when we were talking about childhood friends, that one of his friends had sex with another one’s mom. It wasn’t until recently that he admitted he was the “friend,” and that only happened after we had a few drinks one evening.

His biological dad left before he was born, basically because his mom wasn’t good enough for his dad’s family, who were well-to-do. His bio grandfather was a well-known college football coach and his mom’s family was barely working-class. There was one time, in his early 20s, when his biological uncle reached out to his mom and asked if he would like to meet his father, but he was extremely resentful at that time and declined. He found his dad on social media and kind of watched him from afar, and it was especially painful for him to see that his biological father was an active and engaged parent who loved his daughter. After his dad died, he finally mustered the courage to reach out to his half-sister via Facebook and it has been a really positive experience as he’s never fit in with anyone else in his family and they are really similar. We found out his biological dad struggled with depression all his life so that wasn’t surprising in the least.

His mom is just an emotionally unavailable person, probably due to her own traumatic past. She was likely molested by her uncle from bits and pieces my partner has put together throughout the years. He also remembers that there just came a time she stopped being affectionate with him, when he was around 8 or so. She was also an extremely hard worker who worked nights, so he spent the majority of his childhood with his grandmother.

He does want to get a diagnosis, but insurance is an issue as we aren’t actually married and he lost his job due to COVID. From what both of us understand about bipolar, we doubt that’s what’s going on. His highs and lows are sometimes lightning fast so they don’t really fit the definition of mania. The sleep disturbance is definitely concerning though.

As an update, this evening has been surprisingly good. Is there ever an element of just getting a blow up out of the system and sliding back into a sense of “normal?”

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi again Nortke:

He was the one to finally recognize that he has a personality
disorder, and he checks nearly all of the boxes to a T 

The fact that his bio dad had a life-long battle with depression, has to factor into things, along with childhood abuse.

It's important to note that the BPD traits aren't unique to BPD.  Many people here are dealing with partners with BPD traits, as opposed to a BPD diagnosis.  Most people with a BPD diagnosis have other mental illnesses (depression and anxiety are two common ones, as well as many others). 

When people with a BPD diagnosis lose that diagnosis, it means that at that point in time, they don't have the number of BPD traits to qualify for the diagnosis.  So, they could continue to exhibit 3-4 of the traits, and technically NOT have BPD at that point in time. Then, down the road, during a stressful life event, more traits reappear and they can qualify for a BPD diagnosis again.

He does want to get a diagnosis, but insurance is an issue as we aren’t actually married and he lost his job due to COVID.   

I'm thinking you are in the U.S.  If that's the case, he could try to apply for Medicaid. I know that applying for things like that isn't easy, with all the Covid restrictions and reduced operations within many government organizations.

  I know the relationship he had when he was 19 is true. After we got together in real life, we would talk about this relationship from time to time and I was actually the one who pointed out that the things she did were not consensual.

He explained that his first relationship, which was with an 32 year old married woman when he was 19, had hurt him so badly that he was terrified of ever getting into another relationship

. . .the woman with whom he had his first "relationship" was a predator who had groomed and raped him.

If I'm understanding correctly, you see your partner as a victim in the sexual relationship he had with the 32-year-old married woman, when he was 19 and that he was raped? (He was of legal age to give sexual consent) You indicate you are the one who thinks he was raped, versus him thinking that. 

I'm wondering if it's productive to convince your partner that he was a victim in that relationship, as opposed to someone who made bad choices. As a 13-year-old, he was a victim.  As a 19-year-old, he was of the age of legal consent.

When did he learn that this woman was married? 

What is your definition of "rape", within his relationship with the 32-year-old woman?  "Relationship" implies that they had continual interactions, during a period of time.  Was he tied up, did she physically overpower him?  Did she drug him (without his consent)?  How were things NOT consensual? 

People who are of a sufficient age to give sexual consent, have to be responsible for ongoing decisions.  A lot of young people make some very bad relationship decisions, early in life. A lot of people get emotionally hurt. 

[once removed]

people with bpd traits are extremely perceptive when it comes to other people.

i say "extremely" - they are perceptive, though sometimes, they interpret in an extreme way.

At this point I knew I needed to disengage because I could see how agitated and animated he was getting, and I had a Zoom meeting in like 10 minutes. I asked him if we could put a pin in it and talk about everything after work but I can’t even tell you what his response was, all I know is as I started heading back to my desk I heard a glass break.

So, that’s what I anticipate more of if I in any way bring up what happened yesterday.


There doesn’t seem to be much of a point in discussing anything of any consequence lately. He has a hairline trigger right now  and I don’t want to engage it.

He hasn’t been taking great care of himself lately. He isn’t sleeping much and he constantly forgets to eat. He KNOWS these are issues but I absolutely cannot recommend he come to bed because that’s treating him like a child. I don’t know what to do about these habits beyond let him exhaust himself and starve until he finally gets back on track out of sheer necessity.

walking on eggshells is what gets us all second guessing ourselves, shrinking into ourselves, and disengaging.

its harmful not only for our own mental health, but the relationship - our partners can feel it.

i do not mean to suggest you need to do a 180 here, and become high conflict. i do mean to suggest you are shrinking and losing yourself, and your partner can sense that, and his response is primarily to double down.

emotional, not necessarily verbal or physical, strength is needed above all when it comes to loving someone with bpd traits. your partner is having a difficult time, and hes taking it out on you, a bit. hes testing your strength. if your resolve weakens, his becomes more chaotic.

all easier said than done, i know. but remember, you know him best, and despite the turmoil hes going through, hes the same guy youve always known.

the parenting issue is another, significant, and maybe different issue. blending a family is hard. its easy for the parent who is not biological to feel as if they dont have a say, and to jockey for a say, and it can create conflict, even significant conflict. even more so when you love someone struggling with who they are, when a great deal of their identity is wrapped up in being a significant other, and a parent to a non biological child.

you dont want to validate the invalid. you dont want to over apologize. you dont want to admit wrong doing when there isnt any. but validation can come in so many forms...to make it clear (not necessarily verbalizing these things in exact words) that its normal to struggle as a non biological parent, and that you do value his input, can be an important form of validation.