Setting my future in motion

[Frankee]

Today I meet with the legal counsel to get the paperwork set in motion.  I am hoping my financial aid comes through pretty quick.  I really need to be able to figure out my budget for a place to live.  Cause not only do I have to figure out that budget, I have to actually find a place that accepts government assistance.

My H wrote me a long couple text messages.  Making all the promises to do this and that.  Again.  Told my girlfriend.. too little too late.  I told her that it is so messed up that the ONLY reason why he is doing this is because I left.  He would had done the exact same before... Carrying on, treating/talking to me like I was the worse person.

I realized last night how much this has hit me.  I am going to call my counselor when her office open and meet with her.  I need guidance.  I thought I could just keep going and not miss a beat, truth is, I just want to sit down and cry until there is no more pain. 

A few incidents of physical abuse came out last night to my girlfriend. I don't fear the act of physical abuse like that now, but the mental wound still bleeds when they come up.  Sometimes I feel I need to let it go and sometimes I feel I need to tell others things I went through.  Not to make him out to be a monster, but to give my pain a voice.  To let others know that I survived.

[Frankee]

I'm going to counseling every week, no matter what, even if I have to talk to someone else. That way even if your not able to talk to me I have someone to talk too. Im going to go to the gym at least 3 times a week (I'd like you to go with me). I'm going to actually find a babysitter, instead of talking about it, so we can have date nights. I'd like for us to go to marriage counseling at least once every two weeks so we have a safe place to talk, it really helped last time. Still not sure why we stopped. I'm going to try to find a way to get S3 back in daycare. I'm going to make a chore list and try to cook a couple nights a week. My counselor and I have talked about a whole plan. And most importantly she helped me get over those resentments. I'm learning to let things go, and it's working. Most importantly with you, but not just you. Everything that's always made me angry. I feel miserable because yourgone, but I feel good. I'm going to communicate better and be stronger for you.

I'm also going to appreciate things more. That's another thing were working on. I've been a real bit$#.  I've asked to much of you, I treated you like a mother, not like a wife. I'm sorry for that. Your my wife. My beautiful, sexy wife who's has so much ambition and strength. You never give up and you keep looking forward. You've been more loyal and living to me than anybody. Like I said, I've been an idiot. But I recognize it, and I'm changing it. You've given me so much to be thankful for, I love you.

You asked me before not to give up on you, and I never will. Please, just dont give up on me. When your ready, just tell me what you need from me. I'll do anything. I'll leave you alone now. I just had a lot of stuff backed up, i was trying to give you space. I love you. Good night.

Fool me once... Shame on you.

Fool me twice... Shame on me.

[Cat Familiar]

Good that you’re getting your legal ducks in a row. 

Things could have been different had he realized a couple of years ago all the things that he said in that message, but alas...

[Longterm]

Hi Frankee.

I had similar a few months back. I soon realised there was no real empathy or accountability.

Me and my kids were dropped on our heads and are once again picking ourselves up.

I just wanted to give you a bit of support.

[Frankee]

I appreciate it.  Such hollow words.  What hurts even more is that it goes to show that he KNEW what he was doing was wrong.  What hurts even more is I KNEW if I had stayed, nothing would had changed.  Me leaving was yet another "eye opener" for him.  Only problem is, it shouldn't had taken me leaving for change to happen. 

Now his problem is, my emotional wall is so high, there is no bringing it down.  I have been building my protective mental/emotional wall right under his nose for months and he never saw. I tried to tell him how I was feeling.  I was breaking apart, right in front of him and he still couldn't see.  He couldn't see my heart breaking, just holding on to his resentment.

It's too late.  These words, his empty promises, his I love you's... Nothing but meaningless words that I have heard too many times with no change.  I have posting on how I was falling out of love.  I saw it coming. 

It breaks my heart because he was capable of treating me like he knows he should, but he chose not to.  Now it's over.  When I lose love, there is no getting it back.  When I lose love, it is because I have given every breath I have to try to make it work.  I love hard and fight for those I love, until it's gone.

[Frankee]

Is it weird to feel sympathy for the ex?  Like a pathetic creature who doesn't know they are dying, struggling to stay alive.  It isn't that I have any feeling of remorse for leaving, but it's like watching a wild animal, slowly dying after you shoot it for attacking you.. if that makes any sense...

It isn't one of those situations either that I would feel bad enough to go back (not that stupid), but almost as if I just wish I could cut that last bit of hope he is hanging to and end the suffering. 

Main objective, to get visitation set up and divorce in process.  Then he can't pull the "your my wife" cr@p.

[snowglobe]

Is it weird to feel sympathy for the ex?  Like a pathetic creature who doesn't know they are dying, struggling to stay alive.  It isn't that I have any feeling of remorse for leaving, but it's like watching a wild animal, slowly dying after you shoot it for attacking you.. if that makes any sense...

It isn't one of those situations either that I would feel bad enough to go back (not that stupid), but almost as if I just wish I could cut that last bit of hope he is hanging to and end the suffering. 

Main objective, to get visitation set up and divorce in process.  Then he can't pull the "your my wife" cr@p.

Frankie,
I’ve been following you from the begging, you have come quite a long way from when I first met you here. I am so glad to hear that after all hurdles and obstacles in your recent past you are safe and sane. I’m also worried that at some point your ex will realize that you aren’t coming back voluntarily. I’m also worried that he will start seeking. revenge on you. I hope you have a plan to protect you when he starts doing that. At the moment he is at the bargaining stage of his grief. If/then... you are still my wife. If I be a good boy, mommy will come back and love me again. I also want to caution you that in most cases the kids are what’s left of the ruins of the relationships and they become a collateral damage.
Did your ex try and call you? Did you get a chance to speak? Has he been trying to see you face to face?
I want you to feel satisfied with the fact that you aren’t replaceable and you are important. Your departure will leave a hole that will unlikely heal anytime soon. I hope you don’t back him in the corner, people who have nothing to loose don’t have any remorse and want to hurt others. Be safe

[Frankee]

I’m also worried that at some point your ex will realize that you aren’t coming back voluntarily. I’m also worried that he will start seeking revenge on you. I hope you have a plan to protect you when he starts doing that.

In the back of my mind is that tiny little voice, cautioning me to the storm that is brewing.  I know it because I know I am not going back and this is it.  He doesn't know because he really believes there is hope.  I am hoping that I see it coming, I can be prepared, like I was when I left.

I have some anxiety about what will happen when he finally sees it is over.  I am assuming at some point he will accept it.  What he does with his life... I have no idea.

Did your ex try and call you? Did you get a chance to speak? Has he been trying to see you face to face?

Your departure will leave a hole that will unlikely heal anytime soon. I hope you don’t back him in the corner, people who have nothing to loose don’t have any remorse and want to hurt others. Be safe

He's been messaging about giving him another chance, telling me not to give up, can't I see the change.

I am trying my best to keep a level head and not let my emotions partake in any sort of conversation.  We have communicated about bills and the boys. 

I am in such a whirlwind of emotions that I have found myself all over the place.  I have found this place a safe place though.  I remind myself the women and children here have all been through something.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi, just wanted to check in and see how you're doing. You're getting some solid advice here about where he is emotionally at the moment and what may possibly come.

As you said, this is a safe space.
Please continue sharing, you're doing well in a really hard situation.

[I Am Redeemed]

Frankee, I think you are wise to anticipate some type of "storm" when he realizes that his classic tactics if apologizing and saying all the things he thinks you want to hear are not working. He fully expects to break down your resistance. Why? Because he always has. If it doesn't work with him being patient, respectful, and promising to do all the healthy things he resisted and resented doing before, then he will likely become impatient and start upping the pressure.

My ex started out with promises and beautiful words, just like yours. When I remained determined that I wasn't getting pulled back in, he quickly deteriorated into endless calls, texts, creating crises which he needed me to help with, getting angry and demanding, accusing me of seeing someone else, doing drugs, then it culminated in more emotional and physical abuse.

Eight months of NC, and he still makes up wild accusations and explanations for why I have stayed away. Anything but admitting that his own abusive behavior caused it.

[Frankee]

I am doing well.  I sit here sometimes and feel like I am failing as a mother, but I try to be kind to myself.  I know I am going through an incredibly difficult journey and I am dealing with a massive amount of different feelings.  I look at my little boy's face and it sets my head right.  It reminds me to stay on the path and keep trying.

When my ex is quiet, it is easy to keep moving forward.  I sent him a message saying that it feels like he is pushing a lot and it isn't helping.  He respected my request and has laid off a bit.  I keep wondering as Redeemed said about him becoming impatient and start pressuring me to crack.  I see it coming.  He isn't the kind to just let things go, especially his family.

I am trying my best to find my way and I know I have a lot to work through.  As long as I have my boys and my dream for the future, I will be okay.

[Cat Familiar]

I am trying my best to find my way and I know I have a lot to work through.  As long as I have my boys and my dream for the future, I will be okay.

Yep. It takes a while to unwind all the details of a dysfunctional marriage on practical, legal, and emotional levels. You just keep plugging away, putting one foot in front of the other, and one day you feel a sense of relief that you're on the other side. Having a dream and focusing on the future helps. 

[Frankee]

I think he is starting to see that it is really over.  He told me he was having a hard time with this, he didn't want to lose his family, he hasn't loved me like anyone else.

This hurts.  It hurts because I gave up so much of myself for him.  Now I feel nothing for him.  I am having a difficult afternoon.  I feel tired.  I feel weighted down.

My ex started out with promises and beautiful words, just like yours. When I remained determined that I wasn't getting pulled back in, he quickly deteriorated into endless calls, texts, creating crises which he needed me to help with, getting angry and demanding, accusing me of seeing someone else, doing drugs, then it culminated in more emotional and physical abuse.

He isn't taking this well at all.  It feels strange.  How easy it was to leave, to start moving on.  Reality is, I was doing it months ago.  Little by little, letting go.  Every time he talked down to me, every time he screamed at me, making me feel like I wasn't good enough, making me feel replaceable... just kept pushing me farther away.  I guess the notorious BPD behavior.

I see why it takes several tries to leave an abusive relationship.  If you still have feelings or anything for them, they drag you back in.  I do feel like all these bottled up emotions are unraveling and it is really hard at times.  Not because I miss him or want to go back, but it's like they just wash over me and all I can do is feel the way and try to let it go.

[Frankee]

I found this quote that I changed on my profile.  Thought it was more fitting.

“Nothing in the universe can stop you from letting go and starting over.” — Guy Finley.

[Frankee]

I looked over old posts.  Reminded myself how much I have survived and how much pain I was in.  Now, doesn't seem nearly as bad.

[Leonis]

I looked over old posts.  Reminded myself how much I have survived and how much pain I was in.  Now, doesn't seem nearly as bad.

That shows progress, at least!

[MeandThee29]

Yep. It takes a while to unwind all the details of a dysfunctional marriage on practical, legal, and emotional levels. You just keep plugging away, putting one foot in front of the other, and one day you feel a sense of relief that you're on the other side. Having a dream and focusing on the future helps. 

Someone wisely told me to stay on a good path and make wise choices and that the emotions and the feelings of being off balance would get better over time.  It isn't going to always be this way.

[Frankee]

I appreciate all the encouraging words.  It really means a lot in this time of chaos.

I had a dream.  I was dressed up like I was at a fancy hotel.  Gorgeous.  Most of it has faded.  I was feeling anxious and I walked past a nameless handsome man and I remember going into a banquet hall with tables and chairs.  My H, was angry at me.  I turned around and he storms in behind me and I put up my hands in defense.  Begging him to stop and telling him no.  His face twisted in rage and booming at me.  He backhands me so hard I crash on top of the tables and go flying over the other side and hit the floor.  Chairs falling everywhere.  Lying on the floor, crumpled, face burning I fall into numbness.  I hear men shouting.  They surround my H, and I can hear them beating on him.  After awhile, it goes silent and I see out of the corner of my eye is blood and he isn't moving.  I crawl to a mirror on the wall.  My face is bloody, swollen, bluish purple .. I start to cry uncontrollably... Then I wake up.

I have these dreams.  Like the pale hollowed eye boy whispering in my ear to wake up.  Or the two rabid wolves fighting each other, one sinking it's teeth into the other's leg.  Nightmares.  Some so vivid that I wake up and think they happened for a few moments.

I know I am not crazy, but it is almost like these emotions are trying to find an outlet because they become too much.

[Cat Familiar]

Profound dreams such as you've been having are a gift from our nocturnal consciousness and are laden with meaning for us.

Nightmares certainly get our attention. Have you spent time thinking about the symbolism of parts of these dreams?

Here's an example of what I mean, and I may be really off-base, so forgive me if I am, but you can think how some of this dream information might be relevant to your circumstances.

The first thing that occurred to me was that these men who surrounded your H are protectors who have got your back. Currently you have people in your life who are doing just that.

And perhaps the rabid wolves fighting each other symbolize the fights that you and your H had not long ago?

[Frankee]

I feel you are right Cat. I was laying here and I found a social media page about ending domestic violence one family at a time.  As I was scrolling, the posts were reaching out to me.  I realized, it doesn't matter if it happened a day, week, months, or years ago.  Abuse is abuse.  No matter how many times sorry, give me another chance, etc. 

I have been milling over my situation for days, sorting out my feelings as they come and go.  What I realized is, I am one amazing strong woman.  I was abused so bad in the past.  I have been beat up, hit, given a black eye, assaulted in ever form, held against my will, driven to attempted suicide, depression, feeling worthless, told I was garbage, replaceable... and I am still here.  Working hard, taking care of my boys, pursuing my career, doing what I have to in order to become a healthier better mom for my boys.  All while dealing with his bleeding heart and empty promises to change.

The good memories I once had are like faded dreams.  I try to think of any recent feeling of love I have felt towards him and come up with nothing.  I made a hard decision tonight.  No contact, even about the boys until I can get visitation set up in the courts.  It might be opening up flood gates to a whole different set of problems, but I am done with his begging and pleading... All it does is enrage me and causes extreme frustration.

[Frankee]

I saw my bph today at the auto part store.

I stopped by the auto part store to have them test the battery because it is acting up.  I was talking to the guy behind the counter, heard the door open and when I looked over, he was walking in.  I definitely was giving off body language that I did not want to be around him or deal with him... I couldn't help it.  

The mechanic said there was a bad cell in the battery and if I keep driving it, it will eventually die and I won't be able to jump it.  My Bph said he would buy a new one tomorrow.  I gave him a ride to the boat and he was telling me about his "Epiphany's" on how he has been treating me.  I didn't say anything.  He kept saying he would give me time and space, but he wanted me to move back on the boat so he didn't have to worry and he would leave, I didn't reply.

Told me he knew I would leave so he was acting like he didn't want me when he was just scared (textbook abandonment behavior).  That he wasn't giving me enough attention.  It was attention, just the wrong kind.  Funny thing is, you tell someone that enough, it becomes their truth.

Sad thing for him... He may be genuine and sincere and really making the change.  But he took it so far that my love for him has died.  If he had stopped, even after the Mardi gras incident, there might have been the chance to save it.

[Leonis]

But he took it so far that my love for him has died.  If he had stopped, even after the Mardi gras incident, there might have been the chance to save it.

That's just how it goes, I guess.

At least, you are free.

It would be much harder the longer and more involved you become.

[Harri]

This thread reached the post limit and has been locked and split.  part 2 is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=337778.msg13060888#msg13060888