Need Help Convincing Therapist

[Mangmo]

My wife and I have had a really tuff realationship from day one. Details are very long but any it's almost 4 years now and we share 2 kids together and 2 more are hers from 2 separate father's. Through the relationship I couldn't take the pressure anymore and I eventually put hands on hers and the cycle has continued through the realationship. I've been arrested twice and at this point I'm taking anger management course for a year to fix my case with he courts. Through that I learned alot about mental health and voluntarily started attending individual therapy on my own recently. Through that my therapist recommend that there's a high chance my wife had bpd and I should do some research. I've done a ton research and almost everything clicks. I'm trying so hard to not be baised but everything Im learning just make since and fits perfectly. I never new so many people went through these things as well. Anyways as soon as I figured out I went and found a licensed lmft and we just started on Monday the thing is my wife is very manipulative and lies alot. The therapist is already saying she doesn't think my wife has it  but im so sure she does ive never been more.sure about anything in my life. I'm reading this book currently called  "Stop walking on eggshells" and it talks about high functioning bps (I'm sure my wife is high functioning). It's says counseling isn't as affective because they come off as functioning and kind of fly by the raider. I also read that alot of therapist misdiagnos bpd all the time. What do I do ? Am I being pariod ? How do I get the therapist to understand what's going on in my home  and find the right help ?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi Mangmo


Your relationship has clearly been volatile. How is anger management classes going? How long have you gone? I'm glad you have sought out individual therapy as well, and that you're taking responsibility for your actions. That's brave.

I get that you want to tell the therapist about BPD. I've been in the exact same place. It's so frustrating to see your partner apparantly just slide through therapy. We generally discourage members from pointing out in couple's therapy or to our partners therapist that we think they have BPD. You're going together I gather? What is lmft ?

Even if our partners are not really being honest in therapy, therapy needs to be a safe space. And if she is not being honest, it might not even be on purpose. "Abnegation" is a defense mechanism postulated by Sigmund Freud. When a person is faced with facts that are too uncomfortable to accept, they are rejected - despite what may be overwhelming evidence. You can read more in this article Get Someone into Therapy. I know your wife is already going, but I think what's in this article applies to your situatation.

The best you can do is continue to work on your behaviour. If you get to a place where you are calm and in general not triggered by what she says and does, she might start taking an honest look at her own behaviours as they will be much more visible. What do you think?

Scarlet

[No-One]

Hi Mangmo:
Focus on the behaviors. If your partner uses "the silent treatment", then bring that up in a session.  If she is jealous, then there is another issues to discuss.  If managing her emotions is a problem in general, then that is discussed.  If she plays "the blame game", then there is another.

Be prepared to give  recent examples of the most recent problem behaviors.  Prepare for you sessions in advance.  Perhaps, focus on one issue at a time.  Practice what you want to say in advance, but keep your notes private and secure.

After a session, try to make some note, in private, so you can remember things you didn't have time to say in a session.  Don't be afraid to try to steer discussions, during a session, towards a given issue.  One approach to consider is to ask the counselor to let you partner bring up an issue for one half of the session, and you can introduce an issue for the 2nd half.

It's quite possible that your marriage counselor is NOT very familiar with BPD.  If you aren't aware of the counselor's credentials and past experience, you should inquire.  Sometimes, you can find out a lot of basic info. by doing a Google search on the counselor.

Even if your partner gets a diagnosis of BPD, that doesn't fix things.  There is no magic pill, just for BPD and people with BPD can have different issues, to different degrees.  Meds can help set the stage for productive therapy, but they are generally geared to deal with the more common mental health issues that accompany or precede a BPD diagnosis (i.e. anxiety, depression, ADD/ADHC, OCD, bipolar and a host of others)

People who don't qualify for a formal BPD diagnosis (less than 5 of the 9 traits), can be as troubling as those who qualify for the diagnosis.  The BPD traits are not unique to BPD, and so called "normal" people, generally have a couple of traits to varying degrees.

What are the major behavioral issues with your partner?

[Turkish]

What typically starts the fights? Like, what sets her off and what sets you off?