My Borderline Ex left the Country for good and I'm struggling with panic attacks

[FreddyFo]

Hello all - some of you might remember my story with my borderline ex: here's a link to it: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=334611.0

We were together for 3 months - he asked me to move in with him - we went trough an abortion together - then he left me all of a sudden with a big splitting black episode.
4 months have gone by since we last spoke, his last words to me were : "you are no longer welcome close to me."
I disappeared from his life - he disappeared from mine.

I took a 2 months holiday with my sister and I was fine, but as soon as I came back in the town where we bot lived - I started having panic attacks daily and fainting episodes.

Today is a very hard day for me as he's left the country for good to fly back to his country in Europe. He made sure to leave without a mention, a call, a sing to me.
As if I never existed. Of course I didn't reach out to him.
I'm feeling very strange, sad, happy, emotional and I've been struggling with this panic attack since this morning - a mild form that makes me find it hard to breathe...every now and then I burst into tears.
I'm not really capable of identifying what emotions are going trough me right now:
disappointment? pain? sorrow? relief? sadness? anger? anger toward myself for having let him do this to me? astonishment?ultimately, love?

I'm so floored - he did all he could to make me feel as if I counted less than a stranger to him...till the very last day when he left. today.

How can I cope with this panic? How to get over this guy...
it's 4 months now we've been apart - I did all i could - including taking a long nice break.
I'm afraid that he stained me and broke me forever.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

 
Hi FreddyFo, I can feel your hurt and pain, I'm so sorry. Please know that we are here with you, to support to.
I get the feeling you think that you want be over it by now since it has been 4 months and your relationship was quite short. A relationship with someone with BPD (or traits) is really intens, though. Was that the case for you? That makes it that much harder to move on and break the bond. And you were confronted with a shocking truth as well (that he was doing cocain) which left you with a very sudden ending and no closure. So I can see why you still struggle with it.

You went away for a while, and that's helpful in the beginning. But it's no wonder you sort of fall back into feelings of hurt now that you're back in the same place. It takes av while I'm afraid.
What else can you do in terms of self-care?
Activities?
Food wise?
Are you sleeping?
Socialising with friends?

Warmly,
Scarlet

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Freddyfo-

I remember your story and went back and read your posts to remind myself -I understand you’re deeply upset.  But I also believe there are things you can do to take back your power and heal yourself.  And no, NO... you are definitely NOT broken or “stained” forever.

There are steps you can take, some of which we’ve spoken of in the past, and many of us need to take these steps in order to stop ruminating on our relationship and truly begin healing.

First, please try to stop yourself from looking at his social media.  This only serves to hurt you.  This man was cruel, hurtful and violent toward you.  If you truly think about him and his actions, is this a person who you WANT in your life?  Is it good for you to monitor where he is in his life?  Let’s explore why you’re still curious, let’s talk it out.  You’re safe here.

Second, of course your feelings are all over the place right now, with him leaving your town.  But the one you left off was “safe”.  You can feel sadness, etc., but “safe” is the one feeling we often miss because when we’re inside these relationships, it’s often hard to identify how “unsafe” we feel.  Well Freddy, you no longer have to feel scared that you may run into him.  And that can become a very good feeling.  Allow yourself to feel good.  And safe.

Finally, did you ever seek the help of a T?  If not, perhaps now would be a good time so you can really process what you went through.  You experienced a huge amount of highs and lows in a very short period of time, not to mention going through an abortion with a very invalidating partner.  There is grief to process.  Please hold compassion for yourself.  You most certainly deserve that.

Dear Freddy- I always tell myself (each time my uBPDbf and I part); and now knowing that my ex-h was BPD, that there is no healthy closure with a disordered mind.  For them, that would be admitting fault, and they simply cannot do that.  But you CAN do that for yourself.  You CAN close this painful chapter.  By allowing yourself to learn from this experience and your heart to open to a man who deserves to receive the love you have to offer.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[JNChell]

Hi, FreddyFo. I’ve had panic attacks in the past. Not fun. We hope you’re ok and that your body has calmed down a bit.

Emotional manipulation is a very hard thing to deal with and process. It can feel debilitating if we let it. Don’t isolate. It’s already been said, but surround yourself with trusted people.

Maybe his actions were more about him and how he views himself than they were about you. I think you should dig into some articles here. I think you’ll start to realize some things will help to calm you down and maybe give you a little focus on what has happened. I know you’re distressed and a lot of us know that feeling. You’re not alone. We’ve got you.

What do you feel by knowing that he left the country? Heartache for sure. Does not having closure play a part? Being left?

[Mutt]

Hi FreddyFo,

Have you talked to an MD or GP about your panic attacks? I have panic disorder and I can relate with how difficult panic attacks are to cope with.

I’m sorry that you’re going through a difficult time