Weird conversation with incarcerated BPD son

[FaithHopeLove]

My son who is in jail right now for a drug offense called his father and I today. This was the first conversation we have had with him since his arrest. DS sounded weird. He was basically trying to order us around. "Do this. Do that." No sense of remorse. I know I said I wasn't going to shame him but I feel like knocking him down a peg and reminding him that we don't OWE him a darn thing. He did the crime not us. He has been self centered before particularly when he was high or disregulated. But this is a first for this bossy business. What do you guys make of it? How do you think I should handle it?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Bluemoon23]

@Faith I'm not an expert and not sure if this is possible but when I read this I thought - they sound scared to death. Is it possible that it's the fear leading to this behaviour?

Hugs to you as you go through this.

[PeaceMom]

Faith,
The behavior you describe may be unusual for your DS but it’s very typical for BPDs. Fear and confusion lead to aggressive demands from those of us who can/have/do help them.

Under the stress of jail, no drugs (if he was using) and the unknown, I would assume he will be very dominating and commanding on the rare phone calls he’s allowed. He wants relief and he wants it now.

What boundaries can you set about phone calls?

[Swimmy55]

Yes I am very familiar .  When  my son had to come to the house with the Sherrif's office to get his stuff, he was actually demanding, entitled, and nasty.  Not a trace of remorse.  His texts previously were filled with F__ this and F___ that.  I agree with Peacemom- It could be how they "handle "a situation they are not familiar with .  In our case, our sons were / are on drugs also- Your son could be in withdrawal ,too, which adds an extra nasty layer on things.  I am not sure I could be of assistance on how to handle it since my sitch involves a restraining order, but I wanted to tell you this behavior seems common for BPD kids . They don't handle stress and anxiety at all.  

[Swimmy55]

You can take this with a grain of salt, Faith, but the illegal drugs on top of BPD will make our kids strangers to us,in my opinion. These drugs actually change the molecular structure of the brain.  Things we didn't think they would be capable of , they will do and say.  They are no longer the kids we raised.  I would like to caution you about keeping this in mind when having expectations of getting any type of reimbursement back from our kids for damages/ legal fees rendered ( unless they have been in a drug rehab/ therapy for a couple of years. Maybe).  

[Panda39]

My partner experienced something similar, his uBPDxw was arrested and he had to figure out what to do, how to get bail (they don't teach you this stuff in school ).  He spent all day stressed, trying to get her out and the first thing she did once he got her out was to get mad at him for taking so long. 

I think it was a way to deflect her shame or anger at herself elsewhere, maybe that is what your son is doing by being so bossy.  He made a dumb mistake (shame) and to make himself feel better, superior, he needs to be bossy to make someone else feel dumb  or it could be a need to be in control of something/someone when things are so out of control?  I don't know it's all speculation.

How did you respond to him?

Don't forget to take care of you during this,
Panda39

[zachira]

I admire how you have done everything you can to support your son. I worked with men who were drug addicts and many who had BPD and/or other personality disorders. The most difficult part for me in working with these men was not getting distressed by their behaviors and caring more about their wellbeing than they did, which is hard when you are a mother who loves and wants only the best life for your son. I learned than when I cared more than they did that was the turn off signal to not take responsibility for their behaviors because there was someone else who cared more than they did. It also gave me peace of mind to not get so emotionally involved in all the relapses and destructive behaviors. It is hard to not be upset when your son is mistreating you and making unfound accusations, yet for there to be hope for his recovery, you have to set boundaries and not take what he does personally.

[wendydarling]

Faith I also thought

Yesterday I was wondering how your first communication would go.

@Faith I'm not an expert and not sure if this is possible but when I read this I thought - they sound scared to death.

Loss of control, worried about inside and outside. I wonder if DS is looking for reassurance from you, he can get through this and the steps. This is big and I know you recognise this as you and H worked in law enforcement. You know.

Such great advice from everyone!

What was DS asking/bossing you to do?

WDX

[FaithHopeLove]

Thanks to all who pointed out his behavior is fear driven. Of course it is. He wants to feel like he is the boss. That will get him nowhere though, certainly not with us.

I would like to caution you about keeping this in mind when having expectations of getting any type of reimbursement back from our kids for damages/ legal fees rendered

That is exactly why, at least for now, we aren't laying out 17K for the lawyer he wants even though he swears he will reimburse us. It just doesn't feel right.

for there to be hope for his recovery, you have to set boundaries and not take what he does personally.

Bingo. Boundaries are on. Love is up.

What was DS asking/bossing you to do?

Call lawyers, call druggie friends for money. Not happening.

[wendydarling]

Dear Faith

Your son suffers chronic SI, I'd start there, ensure those caring for him, know 

WDx

[Bluemoon23]

So for someone new to all of this and trying new ways for communicating with my bpdson, and for clarity, would saying things like "I know it's scary and difficult. That must be really hard."  work?

And then would letting them engage with a Public defender be the route in helping to establish boundaries etc.?

Just wondering if you could maybe help with how to interact/react in a more concrete way?

Sorry if I'm not getting this...just wondered.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Blue, you are getting this, all feedback and support is real and helpful, everyday. Keep it coming, don't hold back, cos it gets us all to a better place.

Hugs 

WDx

[PeaceMom]

Faith,
When my DS went thru his legal struggles, I absolutely did not want to be involved in the weekly docket calls, therapists visits, AA, attorneys meetings, scheduled drug tests, probation ck-ins.  That was more than I signed up for and that would have triggered me to be “in charge”. He dealt with all that while out of state in college.

If DS can’t afford an attorney, he will be assigned a PD and although he won’t be their top priority, he should certainly get the representation he is entitled to and have a good shot at receiving a fair sentence. Typically, they have a certain path for first time drug offenders. Most states really try to rehab the first timers with counseling, therapy, AA, drug tests after some type of a residential program.

I’m sure you are well aware of all this, but sometimes it helps to be reminded when we are in crisis.

Hugs,
Peacemom

[FaithHopeLove]

Today's phone call was much better. I told him we were not comfortable paying a 17K attorney retainer just yet and would wait until after Thursday's preliminary hearing before deciding to hire a lawyer. DS said he was disappointed but he didn't rage. I told him his father and I feel hurt but we will not shame him. We will be there for him to talk to. (If you have ever had a loved one in jail or prison you know the phone bills are outrageous but being able to communicate is worth it.)I told him I still love him and always will. My husband spoke to the public defender and informed him about my son's background. We have also made the staff at the jail aware of his history. The public defender recommends hiring a high power (and costly) attorney and that may end up being the way we go. Our main concern is making sure our son gets treatment. If this situation can be leverage for DS getting treatment it will be worth the investment. We called the rehab program he ran away from and they said they will gladly take him back and have worked with courts before to do so.We don't want him out on bail because we fear he will just go back to doing what he did before. I feel sad. Knowing there is a good chance my beloved son will do time breaks my heart so I joined an online support group for families of incarcerated people. I leave for Liberia (west Africa) on Sunday where I will spend 3 months teaching in a seminary. I am not cancelling my plans because this ministry is important to me. When I know what My African phone number will be my husband will put it on DSs account so he can call me.  My hope is in God. They don't call me Faith for nothing. Even in the midst of all this pain I have hope that this will be the thing that turns my son's life around. In fact I told DS that hard as this is it could end up being the turning point. He agreed. So that is where we are. I will keep you all posted. I am very grateful for the support after this double whammy of BPD plus incarceration. We will get throughit.

[zachira]

You are doing the right thing by hoping your son will be sentenced to drug treatment. You might want to find out how long he needs to be in residential treatment and follow up for the drug treatment to have a reasonable chance of success. Most programs are way too short term.

[Bluemoon23]

The faith you have that this could turn things around and your son gets treatment is so wonderful. My thoughts are with you and I hope the same for your and your family. It sounds like it was a great phone call and you are all more hopeful.

[FaithHopeLove]

You are right, Zachira. Most programs are too short. We have been in contact with the rehab program he ran away from. They say they will take him back and have 3, 6, and 9 month options. If the court agrees to sending him there we are hoping it will be for 9 months.