Tips for Talking

[sadmanwithkid]

My wife, diagnosed with BPD/PTSD, stormed out after a vicious argument when i failed to validate her concern. It was bad. I didn't handle it well at all.

In my defense, i'm handling a lot. Dealing with her emotional affair, which she said has ended, but refuses therapy so we can heal from it. There's a 3 yr old involved. We have immigration issues due to her shoplifting impulse issues. My life is a mess.

Having said that, i want to make it work. She's been living away for 10 days now. And wants to get away for the weekend. Reconnect.

I have no idea how to talk to a BPD. That's been my biggest weakness. I don't know how to validate her if what she's saying seems unreal to me. I always argue back.

I want to unlearn my natural way, and learn to speak to her in a language that doesn't create a crisis every time.

While i'm on that long journey, what short tips can i get just for the immediate future?

I want to make it work. But feel terribly unequipped. Help.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Validation in the face of what seems ridiculous is so hard and something I really struggle with, too. Have you read any of the workshops or articles about communication techniques we have here? I'd be happy to point you to a couple that could apply in your case.

For instance, there's SET (Support Empathy Truth):
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0
And did you read the article on validation?
https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

If you don't mind sharing a bit more, could you describe what happened in the argument? How it started. How you responded. That can give us more of an idea of what skills you might be able to use to improve things.

[once removed]

I don't know how to validate her if what she's saying seems unreal to me. I always argue back.

its definitely good to unlearn our natural ways. a lot of the time, we are just throwing fuel on the fire.

I have no idea how to talk to a BPD.

with sincerity. with empathy. not any differently than you talk to anyone else; just the most mature version of yourself.

validation isnt necessarily a solution to solving an argument...more something to use in times of calm, to strengthen the relationship.

what was her concern?

[Radcliff]

Ozzie101 and once removed are pointing you in the right direction here.  The first shift I recommend when adjusting to be more effective with a pwBPD is to learn how not to “justify, argue, defend, or explain” (JADE).  So that tells you what *not* to do, not what *to do*.  How do you validate someone who's being unreasonable and is disconnected from the facts as you know them?  The key is *partial validation*.  Regardless of whether she's off on facts, her emotions are always valid.  Acknowledging her emotions can go a long way towards making her feel understood and decreasing tensions.  And you don't have to sacrifice your sense of reality by agreeing to things that you feel are invalid.  Does this sound like it may work in your case?

RC