Why is it so hard for me to be rejected?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

This is a continuation of a previous thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=340029.0

Wendy, I’m trying to process several things simultaneously. First, I’m trying to cope with my own feelings and understanding, why is it so hard for me to be rejected? What does this remind me of? Why am I breaking into goosebumps every time he walks by me with bewildered rotating 360 eyes? Why am I so afraid of him attacking me physically?
Second, the reason why I am so focused on Him and his behaviour, I’m trying to understand what I am dealing with. Is it only bpd? Is it more then that?
Finally, the reason why I jump and rescue is because when he stops working or goes into this dark place, the whole life stops for us (me and kids financially). I can’t pay for basic necessities, as he doesn’t give me enough to store away. When I am faced with no immediate way of maintaining the lifestyle- I panic and try and save him. Which only ends up in more hurt for me.  

[snowglobe]

This is a continuation of a previous thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=340029.0

Wendy, I’m trying to process several things simultaneously. First, I’m trying to cope with my own feelings and understanding, why is it so hard for me to be rejected? What does this remind me of? Why am I breaking into goosebumps every time he walks by me with bewildered rotating 360 eyes? Why am I so afraid of him attacking me physically?
Second, the reason why I am so focused on Him and his behaviour, I’m trying to understand what I am dealing with. Is it only bpd? Is it more then that?
Finally, the reason why I jump and rescue is because when he stops working or goes into this dark place, the whole life stops for us (me and kids financially). I can’t pay for basic necessities, as he doesn’t give me enough to store away. When I am faced with no immediate way of maintaining the lifestyle- I panic and try and save him. Which only ends up in more hurt for me.  

[formflier]

Second, the reason why I am so focused on Him and his behaviour, I’m trying to understand what I am dealing with. Is it only bpd? Is it more then that?

This needs to stop.   Now.
Let's say you figure out it's BPD..."just BPD"?  What then?  Will you start to having boundaries?

What is he has 22 comorbid conditions, plus a long term infection (pick the body part)?  Would you then decide to divorce because 22 is hopeless...but 19 might have been doable?

There is always going to be another option to be investigated (in someone else of course).

Why not figure out what you are dealing with in you?  Seriously...exhaust all the testing you can find.

Finally, the reason why I jump and rescue is because when he stops working or goes into this dark place, the whole life stops for us (me and kids financially). I can’t pay for basic necessities, as he doesn’t give me enough to store away. When I am faced with no immediate way of maintaining the lifestyle- I panic and try and save him. Which only ends up in more hurt for me. 

This is dysfunctional, magical thinking.  Stop it.

How long have you gone in the last 3 years without being able to buy food?  Seriously..how many days?

OK..expand that to 6 years.

Best,

FF

[Notwendy]

I think it is interesting that you capitalized "Him".

It's also quite fitting. In 12 steps we call this making someone or something your god. For the alcoholic, alcohol becomes the god because it is the master of the alcoholic's life. For the enabling spouse, the alcoholic becomes their god because they live their life reacting to the alcoholic, so the alcoholic's behavior runs their life.

The 12 steps is called a spiritual program, not because it is aligned with any particular religion but because it is about the person taking the role off the "god" they have and living their own life according to their own ethics.

Even if someone chooses to not believe in a God, surely we can all recognize that someone's husband isn't god. Also, you aren't a god either in the sense that you are not in control of your H's life and the decisions he makes.

How can you put your husband where he is- he's human like the rest of us. He isn't a god. Take your focus off him and on to you.

[snowglobe]

This needs to stop.   Now.
Let's say you figure out it's BPD..."just BPD"?  What then?  Will you start to having boundaries?

What is he has 22 comorbid conditions, plus a long term infection (pick the body part)?  Would you then decide to divorce because 22 is hopeless...but 19 might have been doable?

There is always going to be another option to be investigated (in someone else of course).

Why not figure out what you are dealing with in you?  Seriously...exhaust all the testing you can find.


This is dysfunctional, magical thinking.  Stop it.

How long have you gone in the last 3 years without being able to buy food?  Seriously..how many days?

OK..expand that to 6 years.

Best,

FF

Yap, agree, thank you for turning it back to me. I have issues with cognitive organization and overwhelming Persia’s this negative thought pattern. “If I be super good, maybe he will continue to love me and support me”, magical thinking. Tons of things wrong with me. None are being worked at. Read your posts, forced myself to sign up to 12 weeks dbt free course starts in Jan. Meeting with the therapist next week. Generalized anxiety disorder, likely complex ptsd, codependency. Ironically I’m focusing on someone who is even unhealthier to help me navigate through life. Thanks Ff
Second part- never went hungry in 18 years, if only by my own choice. It’s unlikely he would let the children starve. So much equity in the house, even if it was sold now, we would make money to buy something. Mostly irrational thoughts: “if he doesn’t want me, I’m not worthy, if I am not worthy, what do I do with myself? If I’m unworthy of love, I’m a bad mom, and a terrible human being.” I wish I could speed up the time till the therapy session 

[snowglobe]

This needs to stop.   Now.
Let's say you figure out it's BPD..."just BPD"?  What then?  Will you start to having boundaries?

What is he has 22 comorbid conditions, plus a long term infection (pick the body part)?  Would you then decide to divorce because 22 is hopeless...but 19 might have been doable?

There is always going to be another option to be investigated (in someone else of course).

Why not figure out what you are dealing with in you?  Seriously...exhaust all the testing you can find.


This is dysfunctional, magical thinking.  Stop it.

How long have you gone in the last 3 years without being able to buy food?  Seriously..how many days?

OK..expand that to 6 years.

Best,

FF

Yap, agree, thank you for turning it back to me. I have issues with cognitive organization and overwhelming Persia’s this negative thought pattern. “If I be super good, maybe he will continue to love me and support me”, magical thinking. Tons of things wrong with me. None are being worked at. Read your posts, forced myself to sign up to 12 weeks dbt free course starts in Jan. Meeting with the therapist next week. Generalized anxiety disorder, likely complex ptsd, codependency. Ironically I’m focusing on someone who is even unhealthier to help me navigate through life. Thanks Ff
Second part- never went hungry in 18 years, if only by my own choice. It’s unlikely he would let the children starve. So much equity in the house, even if it was sold now, we would make money to buy something. Mostly irrational thoughts: “if he doesn’t want me, I’m not worthy, if I am not worthy, what do I do with myself? If I’m unworthy of love, I’m a bad mom, and a terrible human being.” I wish I could speed up the time till the therapy session 

[snowglobe]

I think it is interesting that you capitalized "Him".

It's also quite fitting. In 12 steps we call this making someone or something your god. For the alcoholic, alcohol becomes the god because it is the master of the alcoholic's life. For the enabling spouse, the alcoholic becomes their god because they live their life reacting to the alcoholic, so the alcoholic's behavior runs their life.

The 12 steps is called a spiritual program, not because it is aligned with any particular religion but because it is about the person taking the role off the "god" they have and living their own life according to their own ethics.

Even if someone chooses to not believe in a God, surely we can all recognize that someone's husband isn't god. Also, you aren't a god either in the sense that you are not in control of your H's life and the decisions he makes.

How can you put your husband where he is- he's human like the rest of us. He isn't a god. Take your focus off him and on to you.

It goes without my conscious awareness, I am asking for his permission and confirmation of being, breathing, taking care of myself amongst other things

[formflier]

So...keep forcing yourself to challenge "reality" or your skewed perception of it.

I hope the therapist can help you figure out what to "do" with these thoughts.

Just like you haven't (most likely) done things to prevent you and your children from being squashed by a meteor, you really shouldn't take up any "brain space" with thoughts that "if I don't do X, my hubby will starve us (or we will starve)"

Make sense?

Best,

FF

[snowglobe]

So...keep forcing yourself to challenge "reality" or your skewed perception of it.

I hope the therapist can help you figure out what to "do" with these thoughts.

Just like you haven't (most likely) done things to prevent you and your children from being squashed by a meteor, you really shouldn't take up any "brain space" with thoughts that "if I don't do X, my hubby will starve us (or we will starve)"

Make sense?

Best,

FF

Ff,
I’m in a really bad space emotionally. I feel this overwhelming urge to lash out at him. When we are in the same space, it feels like electrical short circuiting, with sparks flying. I’m trying to study when he walks into my space and starts insulting my mother, thus distracting me from what I am doing. When I ignore, he shifts gears screaming profanities Abd claiming the world is coming to the end, he demands me to take money from our line of credit account so he can buy dry rations and bullets. It all triggers me so much, I’m having difficulties coping with my own emotions, don’t want to be exposed to his. I am afraid of him, I’m also afraid of myself. It’s like a knee jerk reaction, he disregulates, I try to cope, then I also loose control. I keep on repeating your mantra, my reactions, pink elephant, kids, kids, must not expose them to this kind of crazy. Frankly if it wasn’t for them, I would also like to “unleAsh the ugly”, which we both have plenty of. Call the cops on him, make him suffer, all that nonsense. Thank goodness for them! It inhibits my prefrontal cortex, the one I have very little control over. My emotional regulation. My thinking pattern. If he lets himself be the asshole, why do I need to restrain myself. Ineffective thinking. I’m eyeing that bottle with short acting anti anxiety prescription, which I have not touched in fear of getting addicted. Can’t put a bandaid on an amputated leg. Need to deal with these emotions. Thanks for holding me up, emotionally...

[formflier]

Where else can you go study?

Someplace with lots of quiet.

Best,

FF

[snowglobe]

Where else can you go study?

Someplace with lots of quiet.

Best,

FF

I secluded myself, but as long as I am at home him, or my mother barge in and dump bunch for nonsense on to my head.

[formflier]

So...don't be home.

Seriously...don't over complicate this.

When it's time to study.  Take care of yourself.  They will do whatever they will do, but you will study.

Best,

FF

[Notwendy]

Snowglobe- you live with a person who doesn't respect your boundaries or personal space. Saying you want to study and going to another room isn't going to stop him. If you need a quiet space, you will need to be where he can't barge in and spew his emotional garbage at you. It can be a library, a coffee shop, a classroom at school, a friend's house- wherever you can have a physical boundary.

I know this is difficult, but at some point, you need to believe that you have value as a human being. You don't need to be available all the time to be his emotional trash can.

You feel this anger at him, wanting to call the cops on him- to punish him. Perhaps you can see this in another way. Call the cops on him to protect yourself, from being abused. Notify the authorities if he physically assaults you or your children.

You fear the economic consequences of changing your situation as it is. But it may be the choice you have if you want to have some change for this situation. Considering the resources in the property you bought, I doubt you would be homeless and starving. You would likely have less. It may come down to asking yourself- would you rather be struggling financially or emotionally? I think you have made this choice before- choosing to struggle emotionally for the economic situation your H provides. But he's a disordered person and he comes with that package- abuse along with the good things he does and provides for you. Few people are 100% bad, and even abusive people can have good qualities. But he is who he is, and wishing he's going to change won't change him.

But so long as you choose the whole package, you will need to try to carve some space out of yourself. What can you do to make this possible? How can you arrange to spend some time out of this house- to study, to get therapy, to pursue a goal of your own?

[snowglobe]

Snowglobe- you live with a person who doesn't respect your boundaries or personal space. Saying you want to study and going to another room isn't going to stop him. If you need a quiet space, you will need to be where he can't barge in and spew his emotional garbage at you. It can be a library, a coffee shop, a classroom at school, a friend's house- wherever you can have a physical boundary.

I know this is difficult, but at some point, you need to believe that you have value as a human being. You don't need to be available all the time to be his emotional trash can.

You feel this anger at him, wanting to call the cops on him- to punish him. Perhaps you can see this in another way. Call the cops on him to protect yourself, from being abused. Notify the authorities if he physically assaults you or your children.

You fear the economic consequences of changing your situation as it is. But it may be the choice you have if you want to have some change for this situation. Considering the resources in the property you bought, I doubt you would be homeless and starving. You would likely have less. It may come down to asking yourself- would you rather be struggling financially or emotionally? I think you have made this choice before- choosing to struggle emotionally for the economic situation your H provides. But he's a disordered person and he comes with that package- abuse along with the good things he does and provides for you. Few people are 100% bad, and even abusive people can have good qualities. But he is who he is, and wishing he's going to change won't change him.

But so long as you choose the whole package, you will need to try to carve some space out of yourself. What can you do to make this possible? How can you arrange to spend some time out of this house- to study, to get therapy, to pursue a goal of your own?

Wendy,
In the week’s time that passed since he went in silent treatment mode things have been substantially harder for me. On top of managing the house, I am also cut off from the emotional supply, which is the approval and communication. It’s a feelings of chronic pain. I don’t do nothing about it, but the feeling is there. I don’t know how to explain it, I’m not sure if your mother was also like that. When I am down on my luck or experience difficult times, this is when she comes in full bpd mode and points those things to me. Her motto had always been “you just wait and see, when he is out of control (my bpd h) you will crawl on your knees for me to help you, who else do you really have?.”.
I’m raw, exposed and extra sensitive. It a sheer power of will to go on at this point. I can’t get a good night sleep, hearing him downstairs on the couch is heart wrenching.

[Notwendy]

My mother is nasty as can be if I let her and has said just as many cruel things to me. But at some point, you need to believe that this is more about your mother than to you. You are worth more than to be the emotional trash can for your mother and your disordered H.

What you are going through is withdrawal from addiction to your H's attention. It may not have the same physical dangers as drug withdrawal but it feels bad.

I wish I could get you to help yourself- go to a coda meeting, get a sponsor, call your T- and ask for help for what is going on with you. Call a DV hotline. Speak to another human being.

It's scary to feel alone in this world, but we are both alone and not. We are our own individual human beings. You may want to feel completely enmeshed with your H, but your own spirit doesn't accept this- nobody's does. If this were the case, you'd be at his feet letting him wipe them on you, but you have tried this and it isn't what you really want. Although we may be our own individuals, we are also connected, to each other, to the world around us. You are not ever really alone.


We don't want to feel this kind of emotional pain. At the time, our tendency is to try to escape it- with addictions to people, or to a substance. You are looking to your H to snap out of his silent treatment so you don't feel hurt anymore. But this hurt you are feeling might actually be what motivates you to take that first step Snowglobe - to helping yourself.  And you can do this even if it is hard.

That is my hope for you. Please - get yourself to your CODA meeting, call your T, pick up the phone. There's a world out there beyond the doors of your house. You've seen it with the professor you mentioned, your classes, your classmates. There are organizations- help for DV if you need it. There's the police. You are worth caring about. Your kids love you. We on this board care about you- look at all the posts of support.

You are not alone in the world. Help could be a phone call away, a CODA meeting away.

[snowglobe]

My mother is nasty as can be if I let her and has said just as many cruel things to me. But at some point, you need to believe that this is more about your mother than to you. You are worth more than to be the emotional trash can for your mother and your disordered H.

What you are going through is withdrawal from addiction to your H's attention. It may not have the same physical dangers as drug withdrawal but it feels bad.

I wish I could get you to help yourself- go to a coda meeting, get a sponsor, call your T- and ask for help for what is going on with you. Call a DV hotline. Speak to another human being.

It's scary to feel alone in this world, but we are both alone and not. We are our own individual human beings. You may want to feel completely enmeshed with your H, but your own spirit doesn't accept this- nobody's does. If this were the case, you'd be at his feet letting him wipe them on you, but you have tried this and it isn't what you really want. Although we may be our own individuals, we are also connected, to each other, to the world around us. You are not ever really alone.


We don't want to feel this kind of emotional pain. At the time, our tendency is to try to escape it- with addictions to people, or to a substance. You are looking to your H to snap out of his silent treatment so you don't feel hurt anymore. But this hurt you are feeling might actually be what motivates you to take that first step Snowglobe - to helping yourself.  And you can do this even if it is hard.

That is my hope for you. Please - get yourself to your CODA meeting, call your T, pick up the phone. There's a world out there beyond the doors of your house. You've seen it with the professor you mentioned, your classes, your classmates. There are organizations- help for DV if you need it. There's the police. You are worth caring about. Your kids love you. We on this board care about you- look at all the posts of support.

You are not alone in the world. Help could be a phone call away, a CODA meeting away.

Wendy,
I am attending CODA this upcoming Wednesday, I reread many of the posts, it’s is heartbreaking. Most what I wrote here and the timing. Two years ago, last year, same time, October is mind blowing. How am I still here? My postings are so frequent, out of 360 days I spend 300 in my personal versions of Hell. Same actors different decorations. In a manner of AA letting, another day without the drug, another day without his attention.

[Notwendy]

Please keep this promise to yourself- to attend CODA this week. I know I and others look forward to hearing that you go and how it went.

One bit of advice- keep this information to yourself. Your family patterns serve a purpose. Both your mother and your H are getting their needs met "using" you for their own emotional tending. Family dysfunction does not like change as the other members may feel uncomfortable when you make a change.

Don't tell them! I'm serious. I think the last time you planned this, your mother came up with some crisis which stopped you. Whether or not she did this consciously, I don't think this was a coincidence.

My parents did not like it when I began to have boundaries with my mother. Why would they like it? I was helping manage her discomfort, and when I made steps to not do this anymore, they didn't feel as comfortable. My father wrote me an e mail " I just want to be a happy family again".

Basically this meant, be mother's doormat again. Be her emotional trash can. Let her abuse you, because when she has this outlet, she and I feel better.

Did either of them consider whether I was happy or not? How is being abused a happy family? No, because they thought it was OK to let my mother abuse me. I decided I did not think that was OK.

A local DV shelter was selling T shirts with the logo "love doesn't hurt". Well it seemed that for my parents to give me "love" - I had to let my mother  abuse me. How is this love?

Love doesn't hurt Snowglobe. Love wants the best for you. This includes self love. Don't sell out this self love for the few crumbs of attention your H might toss your way. Don't sell out your self love to be your mother's emotional trash can. Go to the meeting. Keep this plan to yourself - protect it.