lost confused and tired

[Sally Serena]

Hello there! First post here.

I ended up on this site after researching borderline personality disorder. I am a Psychology undergrad and know some about clinical psychology. My partner and I broke up after 2 years of being together and I believe he has traits of borderline. I am having so much trouble getting over this breakup; specifically the confusing aspects of betrayal, pain, and manipulation I believe I am experiencing. My therapist believes my ex partner suffers from an addictive personality as well. He suffers from tourettes, depression, and anxiety. After we broke up, he became a completely different person. I helped him where I could with his mental health- I was a companion when he was depressed and I encouraged him in healthy habits like getting his work done, stuff like that. (Post some self growth because I am a couple months out from this breakup; I shouldn't have been his crutch in his everyday life. I get excited about psychology and helping people but I shouldn't have been trying to help him in that way) I encouraged him to get help often but every time he said he would, he ended up just not finding the right doctor. Our relationship, from my perspective, was what I thought of as pretty normal. I enjoyed his company and he seemed to enjoy mine. Our breakup, however, was an absolute storm. We broke up mutually- I felt I had no other choice because all of our conversations would end up extremely confusing- they went in circles. He told me that he thought I had borderline one day- which was extremely traumatic for me as I had never been told that before and didn't really know what that meant. I was devastated but after a couple hours of separation, and then conversation, I had him go through the list of borderline traits and tell me how I had borderline (with the intent to listen and understand). Eventually, he was apologetic and embarrassed. He said sometimes thoughts came into his head that didn't seem like they came from him. He believed he had OCD. He was desperate for answers but never really seemed to be able to get them. After we broke up, he was so different. It was like I never existed to him. We would talk occasionally but he seemed emotionless, confused, and enjoying the dark place he was experiencing (if that makes sense).  He did not allow me to hangout with the group of friends we shared. We were going to a small college together and I had a class with him so I would see him (and our peer group) often but was alienated from them all. I finally confronted him to say that he was causing me a lot of pain and that I just didn't get it. I said I didn't think we should be friends anymore. Right then, told me that he was suicidal and that he couldn't focus on anything except for his suicidal thoughts. I fell back into caretaker mode it felt like. I forgot the conversations intent and I helped him get to a psychiatric hospital where he stayed briefly before leaving school. He has accused me of having borderline personality disorder twice and said I treated him terribly and was what led to his depression and, ultimately, his suicidal thoughts. He said I'm selfish and that he often lied to me throughout our relationship because he was too scared of me to be honest with me. Throughout our relationship, I often felt like his caretaker. I often sat with him through anxiety attacks and spoke to him often about his mental health- in fact, his mental health was often the biggest topic of our time together. He had difficulty getting and maintaining a job throughout the entirety of our relationship and always relied on me for transportation. I would often buy marijuana for us and other things like food/entertainment. After our breakup and his stay at the hospital, I confronted him about my confusion and frustration. He told me that I financially manipulated him. While we were together, our friends often said we were a great couple. We loved each other a lot and I can see how we spent too much time together and where we were codependent. But he told me I required a ridiculous amount of attention and affirmation which I don't feel is true. Him saying that made me feel extremely embarrassed and hurt. I don't know if I've been manipulated and gaslighted. I can't help but wonder if I am toxic and how I have hurt someone so deeply without realizing. I have been attending therapy for 3 consecutive years and am continuing to work on myself. I am self aware and hope to become increasingly more so. I'm totally lost and down on myself. I am questioning myself so much- if he thinks I have borderline personality disorder, am I just projecting my own problems onto him like I believe he is doing to me? I am frustrated and feel deeply wounded that he wrote off our relationship with a degree of 'meanness' that seems cruel. I am so tired and so confused and so tired of feeling a deep sense of loss.

[once removed]

hi SS, and

it sounds like youve really been through, and are still going through it.

folks here understand. im glad youve reached out for support. i know that nothing was more valuable in my own recovery than to have this place.

it sounds like things are also really fresh. are the two of you still in contact?

[WindofChange]

Hi Sally. What a nightmare for you! I know how painful this type of relationship can be. It's so sad that he has you questioning yourself like this. What does your therapist say about your ex saying you possibly have BPD?

[Sally Serena]

Thank you so much for replying this means a lot. It's been really really hard. We've been broken up and had minimal contact. After he went to the mental hospital, he went back home with his family. The last time we talked was last week when we had a long text conversation. I basically asked him to just honestly tell me what was going on and why he was treating me like I'm an enemy. I wanted to desperately to part as friends because I truly loved him and respect our time together. He just said a ton of really hurtful things that I never knew him to have believed. I started to piece together that I must have become his trigger in one way or another (even though we had a lot of 'ideal' times together/ emotional conversations about his mental health etc). He said the conversation made him emotional (despite surfacing as mostly unemotional post break up) and that it helped and he was glad we could 'heal as friends and not enemies.' I feel so betrayed. I have no idea where he went or what happened to him. My therapist says I don't have borderline and another trusted professional I'm in contact with said that it's most likely projection for him having borderline.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi SS and welcome to our online family! 

This sounds like such a rough place, to be dealing with the pain of your breakup and all the questions and confusion that it leaves churning inside of you. When someone we love and care for turns to project their internal pain on us, it can be devastating. My DH is doing this with me too, and I question myself over and over, even asking those who know me best if I am the things he says I am. I hear from what you shared that you are questioning yourself too, wondering if the defining words are telling of who you are.

One of the things that has helped me is when I can pause and ask myself if my pattern of behavior is truly reflective of who DH says that I am. We are usually self reflective enough to be able to take a good look in the mirror and see that we are not the person they are defining, so please remind yourself that just because they say it doesn't make it true. Keep hanging in there. Take care of your emotional needs for safety and healing. How will you be kind to yourself today?

 
Wools