Diagnosis + Treatment
The Big Picture
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? [ Video ]
Five Dimensions of Human Personality
Think It's BPD but How Can I Know?
DSM Criteria for Personality Disorders
Treatment of BPD [ Video ]
Getting a Loved One Into Therapy
Top 50 Questions Members Ask
Home page
Forum
List of discussion groups
Making a first post
Find last post
Discussion group guidelines
Tips
Romantic relationship in or near breakup
Child (adult or adolescent) with BPD
Sibling or Parent with BPD
Boyfriend/Girlfriend with BPD
Partner or Spouse with BPD
Surviving a Failed Romantic Relationship
Tools
Wisemind
Ending conflict (3 minute lesson)
Listen with Empathy
Don't Be Invalidating
Setting boundaries
On-line CBT
Book reviews
Member workshops
About
Mission and Purpose
Website Policies
Membership Eligibility
Please Donate
December 25, 2024, 10:08:54 AM
Welcome,
Guest
. Please
login
or
register
.
1 Hour
5 Hours
1 Day
1 Week
Forever
Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins:
Kells76
,
Once Removed
,
Turkish
Senior Ambassadors:
EyesUp
,
SinisterComplex
Help!
Boards
Please Donate
Login to Post
New?--Click here to register
Experts share their discoveries
[video]
99
Could it be BPD
BPDFamily.com Production
Listening to shame
Brené Brown, PhD
What is BPD?
Blasé Aguirre, MD
What BPD recovery looks like
Documentary
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
> Topic:
Self Talk
Pages: [
1
]
Go Down
« previous
next »
Print
Author
Topic: Self Talk (Read 535 times)
Borderlined
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 28
Self Talk
«
on:
November 05, 2019, 08:57:33 PM »
There was a time I would have believed the hurtful words from my wife.I understand about her illness more now. Ive read books,go to Nami, I watched videos. I've never met someone so difficult to get along with or easily offended. I used to think it was me. I know I have my own issues, it's how I ended up loving a person with BPD. 30+ years.
Words hurt. Even if they come from a person with the Satan's mental illness, her words hurt. What do you tell yourself as someone with BPD is spewing the most hurtful words about you? Denying and deflecting is pointless. It just gets twisted and turned into ammo. One day I'll be free. Until that day I need skills to help myself. How do you help yourself in those situations?
Logged
Inner Light
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 18
Re: Self Talk
«
Reply #1 on:
November 05, 2019, 09:25:57 PM »
Hello friend! I'm sorry to hear about her spewing hurtful things. My strategy is to say, "I don't like where this conversation is going. We need to calm down" then I walk away and turn off my phone or block his number. She'll learn after you do this 15 times (oh joy) that this tactic won't work.
Logged
Borderlined
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 28
Re: Self Talk
«
Reply #2 on:
November 05, 2019, 10:09:13 PM »
If there was a scale of 1 to 10 in bpd, I feel she would be ar 14. Saying something like that would fuel a fire brighter than the Sun. I suppose I'm not even looking for an answer as much as I'm looking to be around people that understand.
I realize more than ever she won't accept this disorder. She denies she has it and with every word she speaks is proof.
She is a wonderful person with so much pain inside.
Logged
Cat Familiar
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7501
Re: Self Talk
«
Reply #3 on:
November 05, 2019, 10:32:00 PM »
You are under no obligation to stand around and listen to those negative comments. You’ve just been in the habit of doing so for 30 years.
You can excuse yourself politely and tell her you’ll be available later. And as
Inner Light
has mentioned, if you don’t participate in listening to a litany of complaints, it will eventually stop.
It will get worse before it gets better, but if you persist in this strategy, she will ultimately realize that it’s not getting her a target for ridding herself of her own discomfort and she will quit.
But you have to be ready to be consistent in your response. If you waver even once, then you will make it even more likely to continue. Intermittent reinforcement makes behavior more enduring—think about how addicted people can get to gambling with slot machines, even though they seldom win.
Logged
“The Four Agreements 1. Be impeccable with your word. 2. Don’t take anything personally. 3. Don’t make assumptions. 4. Always do your best. ” ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Enabler
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Living apart
Posts: 2790
Re: Self Talk
«
Reply #4 on:
November 06, 2019, 01:42:32 AM »
Hey Bordelined,
We believe in unicorns, you're amongst friends.
After 30 years, what does the worst she can do to you look like? Have you survived the worst?
Do you keep a journal? It's awesome for your sanity.
Enabler
Logged
Lucky Jim
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6211
Re: Self Talk
«
Reply #5 on:
November 07, 2019, 11:47:16 AM »
Hey Borderlined, Don't JADE; instead, I suggest you practice detachment. In other words, don't buy into her unkind words. I have a saying, "Poison is harmless if you don't ingest it." I would encourage you to rise above the fray. Decline to participate in her hurtful attacks. Leave the room, leave the house; do what you have to do to protect yourself. It's time to put yourself first.
LuckyJim
Logged
A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
ortac77
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Living together
Posts: 318
Re: Self Talk
«
Reply #6 on:
November 09, 2019, 06:56:51 AM »
I can only agree with the other comments, I have to step back and remember that every nasty comment or spiteful action is actually not about me at all. It is not easy thats for sure but it seems the way that a pwBPD copes with their own emotions by making the 'other' the problem.
It hurts because we are human, it hurts more because this is a person we love and it makes us angry because it's not true and feels so unfair.
I have to detach which in itself brings further accusations but I have to do it to maintain my sanity, lets be honest how does any human being cope easily with one minute being the love of their life and the next being painted black?
You are here with people who do understand.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?
Pages: [
1
]
Go Up
Print
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
> Topic:
Self Talk
« previous
next »
Jump to:
Please select a destination:
-----------------------------
Help Desk
-----------------------------
===> Open board
-----------------------------
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
-----------------------------
=> Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
=> Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
=> Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
-----------------------------
Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD
-----------------------------
=> Son, Daughter or Son/Daughter In-law with BPD
=> Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD
-----------------------------
Community Built Knowledge Base
-----------------------------
=> Library: Psychology questions and answers
=> Library: Tools and skills workshops
=> Library: Book Club, previews and discussions
=> Library: Video, audio, and pdfs
=> Library: Content to critique for possible feature articles
=> Library: BPDFamily research surveys
Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife
Loading...