Set a deadline for Silent treatment & fighting anxiety

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello again, wish me luck.  I am still working through a longer bout of silent treatment from my uBPD bf of 11yrs.  I decided that setting a deadline would help me move to a place of action rather that fighting the frequent thoughts of him that keep me from moving forward. 12 more days and then if no favorable contact, I'm going to send communication to get on with the wrap up talk and return of personal possessions.  This is a place I have never ventured before.
I have done fairly well with staying busy and getting into my own life but with the holiday's approaching, my wonder and anxiety is starting to ramp up.  I have spent the last 11 Thanksgivings and Christmas's with him and our families.  Now that the ST is in place, I am starting to worry about how this season will play out.  I sent a short warm text over the weekend, which I can tell he read, but there was no response.  I admit I was disappointed to not hear back.  I truly, truly, love this man and had envisioned a lovely life and future retirement with him. (Dreamer?) Alas, after reviewing my previous posting history, there are many examples of the same behavior and the same ST and a reunion.  Each time I am anxious and hopeful.  The reason for the push to a clearer conclusion is that my BP is now abnormally high (did not have this issue previously) and I had to go on medication to control it.  The ups and downs are taking their toll and I don't know if I can continue in the cycle.  I am frustrated and saddened by this.  Life is too precious to waste.

[calmboom]

Hello again, wish me luck.  I am still working through a longer bout of silent treatment from my uBPD bf of 11yrs.  I decided that setting a deadline would help me move to a place of action rather that fighting the frequent thoughts of him that keep me from moving forward. 12 more days and then if no favorable contact, I'm going to send communication to get on with the wrap up talk and return of personal possessions.  This is a place I have never ventured before.
I have done fairly well with staying busy and getting into my own life but with the holiday's approaching, my wonder and anxiety is starting to ramp up.  I have spent the last 11 Thanksgivings and Christmas's with him and our families.  Now that the ST is in place, I am starting to worry about how this season will play out.  I sent a short warm text over the weekend, which I can tell he read, but there was no response.  I admit I was disappointed to not hear back.  I truly, truly, love this man and had envisioned a lovely life and future retirement with him. (Dreamer?) Alas, after reviewing my previous posting history, there are many examples of the same behavior and the same ST and a reunion.  Each time I am anxious and hopeful.  The reason for the push to a clearer conclusion is that my BP is now abnormally high (did not have this issue previously) and I had to go on medication to control it.  The ups and downs are taking their toll and I don't know if I can continue in the cycle.  I am frustrated and saddened by this.  Life is too precious to waste.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

I'm sorry to hear that it's come to this, and that you're dealing with it headed into the holidays.  Do you have plans for Thanksgiving yet?

RC

[calmboom]

Hi RC,  Thanks for responding. 
This is supposed to be the year that I would host the Thanksgiving dinner for my family and he, his adult children, and his parents, as we alternate EOY.  But with things as they are, it is difficult to know what to do.  Thus, I decided to apply the max of 12 more days to the ST that he is giving me and then take action. I will proceed with the dinner, just unclear how many eaters will be joining.  The drama at holidays is very wearing and unnecessary.  I am growing tired of it.  Such a waste of good time. 

[Radcliff]

That does sound complicated.  It's reasonable to want to know how many people you'll be hosting for Thanksgiving.  Do you get along with his family well enough that you'd like to host them?  If so, could you reach out to them proactively to reiterate the invitation and say you're looking forward to seeing them?  The best approach may be different for you; the general idea is how can you be proactive about how your Thanksgiving goes rather than waiting to see what he does.

RC

[NH_Skier]

Hi,
Having been in rough BPD relationship for over 10 years, it's my feeling that despite, at times, being my best relationship, that they were also the worst times of my life.   On balance, I'd have preferred never having met this person.    My advice, is begin preparing a dual track life, one with this person in it, and one which does not include this person.   When they give you the silent treatment, that's the perfect time to begin to branch out into going to classes/lectures/events that you enjoy.   

[confusedbybdp]

 

Hi calmboom,

Thank you for sharing your story with us.  I was treated to the ST many, many times whenever my uBPD exbf was "not happy" or was "offended" by something I said or did. 

I finally saw it for what it was - abusive and immature.  Neither reflects well on the person, and it gives us a chance to pause and consider if we want to tolerate such treatment.

In my case, there were many other things that led to the break down and break up of the relationship - his raging, hypersexuality, drinking, etc..  But looking back now, his first "strategy" to "keep me in line" was the ST.

Sometimes, looking back on things, I wonder how I should have dealt with the ST.  I suppose people use it against others, including a loved one, for a variety of reasons, but when the person has BPD, the two reasons that come to mind are 1) because they are dysregulated, and don't "trust" themselves to reconnect with you, and/or 2) they are attempting to "punish" you to bring you into line with what they need and want from you.

In hindsight, I wish I had been less accepting of my bf's use of the ST.  I would like to think that next time I am in a relationship, the ST will be a "deal breaker." At the very least it is immature and disrespectful, and at the worst it is abusive and a "red flag" that the person is not "relationship-material."

Warm regards,   

[calmboom]

 Update:

Only 3 more days to the deadline I set for myself.  And no peep from long time BF. Nothing.  Nada.  But I'm functioning well on my own and have gratitude for the many things going well in my life. Been eating healthfully, bonding with my children and dog, enjoying work, organizing my home.   Still, I wrestle with this unresolved, "messy" part of my life which I held in high importance and engaged with daily and wove within my life. 

Logically, I know that eventually he will pop up in some manner, cold or hot, or somewhere in between.  I have learned that I don't need to wait and put my life on hold awaiting the resolution.  It is and always has been in my power to decide to wait or to move on or to simply be.

I grieve for the young child that was inflicted with such damage that he operates like this as an adult.  I pray for his well being whatever that looks like, even in a life without me in it. 

I admit to thoughts of driving to see him, to seek answers, to gain closure.  But something in me tells me to wait until he initiates the contact and resurfaces.  My soul is silently aching to know, but I am not stricken like I used to be.   Moving forward on the holidays with my own family for now.