I know I need to leave, so why can't I ?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I met my girlfriend in drug rehab 2.5 yrs ago. We fell in love immediately. We (she) was content with the way things were going for nearly 2 years. The last 6 months have been hell. Ive known something wasnt quite right shortly after the beginning. New romance can male one turn a blind eye to such things though. When I first read one of the books about BPD I was estatic becaûse someone knew what I was dealing with and how I felt. It was Godsent. I thought well as long as there's a reason and cause for this behavior there has to be a cure right? I was excited. Overly excited. I wanted to shout to the world, "We're going to be ok! Its just a mental disorder and we can fix it!"  But then I read a line in there that crushed my soul, my spirit and my heart. It said something like, " The most tragic thing about BPD is that the people who have it crave close, intimate relationships more than anything but BPD robs them of the characteristics needed to maintain such relationships. That was 6 months ago. My life will never be the same after this is over. What I dont understand is how we can spend weeks talking about something like an ex calling me for some reason I had no idea about. How we can argue about how long have I been sleeping with her? Or have I been seeing her this whole time or why dont u just go be with her? Or how I must have never cared at all since she's calling again. I cant help what someone else did. There's no rational way to get thru life if u spend most of ur time trying to prove someone else's perceived truth that is in fact false as being false. No matter what I am guilty of any worse case scenario she can think up. She usually goes thru my phone and takes the smallest crumb and turns it into a Thanksgiving feast. Funny thing is I'm always the liar when she does this and I spend most of my time trying to convince her I'm not. She has 2 months prior to this discovery sent 2 coworkers (we work at the same place) pictures of herself naked in an exchange for a phone bill and one for a car that was sold to her. She didnt tell me about it until 3 months after the fact. I'm a liar because she's imagined things. She didn't tell me about what she did but atleast she didn't lie to me about it. That's what she says anyway. We spend hours talking about me talking to this ex. We have never discussed her going thru my phone or anything about these pictures. Its like talking to a bratty child. This is one example of my life. There are 100's. So what makes it so hard to walk away from something that is so obviously non-existent? BPD has whipped my ass. I'm a shell of who I was when we met. She tells me this too as if ive just became weak because I'm not the man she met. Says i've let here down and I was all just false advertisement. She'll never know what she does to me.  I wish no one ever had to feel what it's like to be in love with someone u don't even know. It's an awful feeling that I'm desperately awaiting its departure. Thanks for letting me share

[Lost in Roanoke]

I met my girlfriend in drug rehab 2.5 yrs ago. We fell in love immediately. We (she) was content with the way things were going for nearly 2 years. The last 6 months have been hell. Ive known something wasnt quite right shortly after the beginning. New romance can male one turn a blind eye to such things though. When I first read one of the books about BPD I was estatic becaûse someone knew what I was dealing with and how I felt. It was Godsent. I thought well as long as there's a reason and cause for this behavior there has to be a cure right? I was excited. Overly excited. I wanted to shout to the world, "We're going to be ok! Its just a mental disorder and we can fix it!"  But then I read a line in there that crushed my soul, my spirit and my heart. It said something like, " The most tragic thing about BPD is that the people who have it crave close, intimate relationships more than anything but BPD robs them of the characteristics needed to maintain such relationships. That was 6 months ago. My life will never be the same after this is over. What I dont understand is how we can spend weeks talking about something like an ex calling me for some reason I had no idea about. How we can argue about how long have I been sleeping with her? Or have I been seeing her this whole time or why dont u just go be with her? Or how I must have never cared at all since she's calling again. I cant help what someone else did. There's no rational way to get thru life if u spend most of ur time trying to prove someone else's perceived truth that is in fact false as being false. No matter what I am guilty of any worse case scenario she can think up. She usually goes thru my phone and takes the smallest crumb and turns it into a Thanksgiving feast. Funny thing is I'm always the liar when she does this and I spend most of my time trying to convince her I'm not. She has 2 months prior to this discovery sent 2 coworkers (we work at the same place) pictures of herself naked in an exchange for a phone bill and one for a car that was sold to her. She didnt tell me about it until 3 months after the fact. I'm a liar because she's imagined things. She didn't tell me about what she did but atleast she didn't lie to me about it. That's what she says anyway. We spend hours talking about me talking to this ex. We have never discussed her going thru my phone or anything about these pictures. Its like talking to a bratty child. This is one example of my life. There are 100's. So what makes it so hard to walk away from something that is so obviously non-existent? BPD has whipped my ass. I'm a shell of who I was when we met. She tells me this too as if ive just became weak because I'm not the man she met. Says i've let here down and I was all just false advertisement. She'll never know what she does to me.  I wish no one ever had to feel what it's like to be in love with someone u don't even know. It's an awful feeling that I'm desperately awaiting its departure. Thanks for letting me share

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ltahoe]

I can relate to this. It’s interesting we chose to stay, although for me it’s bout I’m damned if I stay damned if I go. A little bit of me is uncertain about how the future would go if we split and what effect it would have on me. Can I handle being a part time dad, my relationship with money will change. Knowing my wife, how miserable will she make things for me. For me maybe it’s the chance and the unknown. Then there’s the aspect when my wife is good she’s really good. When she’s good she’s exactly what I would want. Sweet, helpful, beautiful, loving you name it. I recently saw a post that said what’s would your perfect mate be? My wife when she’s being her better self, she embodies my perfect mate. Idk is this perfect side, part of her personality, or just a cover for her bad side. Idk that part confuses me, are these people literally two people or are they one and the good side is just a cover for the bad? . That’s personally why I don’t leave I’m afraid/anxious of the unknown future without her, and well her good side is just too good when it’s there. If that makes sense?

Sometimes I have a hard time, learning more about BPD can be a double edge sword. It’s a moment where it all sort of makes sense and seems like you’ll finally get it, you’re not alone, and understand.. On the contrary you also realize the reality of the disorder which can be quite scary(impulsive, rage, dysregulation) I have a tendency to overthink and analyze, mix that with a lot of what the pwBPD does is just confusing and it just makes things more confusing for me anyways. Sorry I can’t help officially just saying for me why I can’t and don’t leave. Yet at the same time I’m almost constantly confused.

[formflier]

I want to assure you that you've found a group of people that "get it".  We get the double edged sword of BPD.

What are you doing to be extra kind to yourself?

How do you see the next week playing out?

Best,

FF

[LED_Cowboy]

I relate to your feelings about relationship w/ pwBPD. In the beginnning of the relationship I realized there was emotional damage causing her low self-esteem, lack of stability, etc. For at least 6 months it was manageable, and I thought I could "fix" her with my best love. Although it was what she needed, the devaluing and disregulation became more frequent and felt like attacks on me. I tried everything, i read walking on eggshells book, joined these forums to learn as much as possible. I have to say all this was great help, and I even had my gf read the book for herself. And eventually she told me her ex had told her that he also thought she had BPD. Thankfully, she acknowleged it well but did not take any initiate to get therapy or support. She often admitted that she did not mean the terrible things she would say, and that she was sorry. That was the confusing part! Sometimes she did have self-awareness.

She comes from a big family run by a narcissistic matriarch with toxic home life. I finally realized that it was me who allowed myself to be pushed around endlessly, bullied, and emotionally abused by my gf and her mother, and I decided I would no longer subject myself to this treatment. I worked up the nerve to tell her exactly why I am done. The disregulation, devalueing, the insults would no longer be accepted. It was hard to cut off someone who needs me. But she needs to work on herself and I will not be there for that.

[Lost in Roanoke]

Thank u for ur replies. I am new to this discovery but not so new to the feelings of doubt, worry, frustration, wanting there to be some give and take 50/50 exchange which will never happen. All ur input has helped. I need to retrain my thinking. Give myself time to heal and her space to grow as well. The problem I have with myself is not knowing why I can't leave. She has pushed everyone away and I'm all she has. I feel like if I dont help her she will literally be alone in the world. I know that she choses this but that doesnt help because I do love her. I wish she loved herself. Ive read journal entries that shes wrote and was surprised at how much insight she has on her behaviors and the effects of her choices. Its almost like she knows what shes doing and the cause and effect of it she just cant stop her thoughts or control her actions. Our sex life is out of this world and I think that's 85% of why I stay. She doesn't ask how I am. She doesn't do much of anything to help me out or acknowledge adult responsibilities. She always makes me feel inadequate. Im never enough. What am I wanting to prove to her? Why do u tolerate this behavior? I think she says she loves me because she knows I love her and to her I'm her comfort from herself. I'm her safety net. Problem is ive already came apart and there's no one here to catch her anymore. I just cant get myself to 100% walk away. Thanks again for any feedback

[Lost in Roanoke]

I want to assure you that you've found a group of people that "get it".  We get the double edged sword of BPD.

What are you doing to be extra kind to yourself?

How do you see the next week playing out?

Best,

FF

All I do is work and piddy with home improvement to stay busy so my mind stays occupied. She has been in rehab again for the past 3 weeks with probably 3 weeks left to go. Tbh I am more happy this week than ive been in a long time and the reason for that is because she hasn't had phone privileges. She called today wanting me to come get her from there. I said no and called her counselor and told him. She has a history of either leaving rehab earlier or meeting someone and hooking up with them and leaving early. Yes I thought I was the knight in shining armour and yes she made me feel as such for a long time. Our relationship, after learning how a stereotypical bpd relationship may in fact progress, is almost identical to what I read. I hate to even think about it. Makes me feel foolish, vulnerable, weak, naive, helpless and worst of all sad and lonely.