Holidays

[Cpete18]

I am so heartbroken today. Thanksgiving used to be by far my most favorite holiday! I always looked forward to it so much. The food, the family, no presents, just being thankful. That all changed when I met my now husband. The first two years I thought it was just a coincidence that we had a big blow out right before thanksgiving and Christmas Day, now I know it’s my new normal. I don’t know what it is about the holidays but it makes him rage hard. I’m so sad, today was ruined for everyone because he was selfish and acting like a child. I am crushed that I can no longer look forward to my favorite day of the year. It’s times like this when I think to myself “can I really do this for the rest of my life?” Driving around and seeing loved ones gathering and being happy and thankful for each other, I want that so badly.

Sometimes I daydream of having a boring, content marriage.

I hope everyone else had a great thanksgiving!

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[pursuingJoy]

Cpete18, I'm so sorry it was a rough day. Holidays come loaded with expectation for most people, and most of us with BPD loved ones have learned that holidays trigger them. What did your husband do that was selfish and childish?

My situation is a little different in that my husband is enmeshed with his BPD mom, I'm the third wheel when I'm with them. Holidays revolved around her and her wants/needs.

5 months ago I spoke out for the first time, respectful, but firm. This has set off a massively drawn out extinction burst, where I realized how much time he spends just keeping her happy. He isnt yet, and may never be, ready to consider a PD so we are slow walking it in therapy. After 5 months of months of marriage counseling, we took tiny steps to set different boundaries with her. Today we are taking a Thanksgiving meal to her house for the agreed upon 3 hr time limit, and because of their past behavior around holidays, I've already got a knot in my stomach.

It’s times like this when I think to myself “can I really do this for the rest of my life?” Driving around and seeing loved ones gathering and being happy and thankful for each other, I want that so badly.

I think most of us have felt this way. I dread our future because I know with aging, their enmeshment will probably get worse. I'm working hard to be present in the moment. I'm also working hard to focus on what I have the ability to control, because feelings of powerlessness (ie, victim mentality) creep in.

I'm so sorry you're heartbroken. We are here.

pj

[Cpete18]

Thank you for your response. He is just really angry and irritable around the holidays. I got home from work Wednesday night and he kept saying he needed food. We were getting along well and sometimes I put my guard down and let myself get too comfortable. I was cooking dinner and he came in the kitchen and said “what are you cooking?” I told him I was cooking dinner. He said “well how do you know I want what you’re cooking?” I thought he was teasing, sometimes he would be and sometimes he’s serious. I laughed and said I don’t care if you want it.

Well that set him off. He came over and threw the cutting board on the floor along with the steak I was preparing  and went on a rampage calling names and making threats. I was calm and didn’t respond, I left to go to the store to get milk and made tomato soup and grilled cheese for dinner instead. I told him several times that I wanted an apology because he hurt my feelings and if he didn’t want to apologize to leave me be.

The next morning, thanksgiving, he was hot and cold. I was preparing meals and staying positive but distant enjoying my morning with my daughters. We were planning on going to my fathers at 12:30 for dinner and when it came time to leave I asked if he was ready to go and I brought stuff to the car. He was laying around and stalling and throwing a tantrum about me not oking thanksgiving plans with him. We do the same exact thing every thanksgiving. We go to my dads for lunch and then my girls go with their dads after while my husband and I go to his family’s. He said we didn’t even have to ride together and that he wasn’t sure if he was even going so my youngest and I left so we were not late. My middle daughter and my oldest were driving separate and when I left my middle daughter, who doesn’t exactly get along with my husband and so therefore lives with her dad, asked him why he was being mean to me. I wasn’t there so I don’t exactly know what all was said but he was texting me about my “idiot daughter” being mouthy and he was going to tell her to leave his house.

My father has had a very difficult year full of cancer and a heart attack so he’s lucky to even be here. My father and my step mother absolutely love my husband because I never let on to them about how he treats me. Well my husband never showed up for dinner. Then called and asked if I was going with him to his family’s. I told him he should go without me because it wasn’t fair for me to go there when he wasn’t respectful enough to show up to my family’s. Of course, now my dad and stepmom are worried because in their eyes it must be really bad if you don’t show up for family get togethers.

I came home and he was acting like nothing even happened. I haven’t said much to him since because I am so hurt that he would make me look so foolish and be so inconsiderate when he knows how important thanksgiving is to me and my family. I feel like it is a new low for him.

[pursuingJoy]

Cpete, I shed a few tears for you. I think the hardest part for me to read  was that you let your guard down, so you joked with him. I wish you felt safe, always.

We celebrated thanksgiving with his mom today and it was rough too. I can relate on so many levels, even kids moving out. Story here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=341342.0

Immature behavior is so upsetting, especially on the holidays. You handled yourself well. I can understand why you don't want to talk to him, but I'm glad you shared here!

How are you taking care of yourself?

I wish there was an easier way around this for us, my friend. I'm here. We all are.

pj