When your partner is not aware of their potential BPD

[JanuaryJones]

I have been with my girlfriend for a little over a year.  I noticed early on that she had what I recognized as a "temper."  While I knew that her behavior was not normal or healthy, I was constantly trying to understand it.  Trying to understand my part - what I could have done unintentionally to have hurt her to the point of rage.  I thought that it was a matter of different communication styles and a lack of real knowing of one another.  It was new but intense, as all of my relationships tend to be. We were close right away, even though it was long distance, and I figured the newness and the distance created a lot of opportunity for misunderstandings.  Although nothing that ever justified the level of anger that I was experiencing.  After 6 months we decided to try to be in the same city, which was easy since we are both creatives and can live and work on either cost.  I wanted to see if proximity was partially to blame for the conflict.  I very quickly discovered that it only was getting worse and I insisted that we see a couples therapist.  She was reluctant but came anyway.  We didn't accomplish much because she either refused or was incapable of tabling hard conversations until we could have them in therapy.  So every session was spent dealing with another blow out and never getting to the root of the problem.  She has sworn she was "done" at least 100 times.  I stopped taking her seriously a long time ago, but that doesn't mean I'm ok with it.  Upon talking to my personal therapist, and relaying the extreme behavior I all too often find myself dealing with, it was suggested that it sounded like she might be suffering from BPD.  She is not aware of this and it is new to me. I am doing everything I can to learn about this problem, while trying to remain open and honest about my shortcomings.  I have a long history of dysfunctional and co-dependant relationships.  I know I have a tendency to try to "fix" or "rescue."  Mostly, this comes from a sincerely empathetic place, but I am aware of my own issues with self esteem and co-dependence.  I recently started reading "Stop Walking On Eggshells," and have been shocked at how clearly it describes my experience.  I don't want to always talk to my friends or family for fear of them judging her too harshly. I have been more honest in this relationship though, because I made that mistake in my last relationship and kept myself a prisoner for far too long.   Everyone in my life loves her but is realistic about the fact that no matter how amazing she is "most of the time," it doesn't excuse the emotional, verbal, and physical abuse that I have been enduring.  I'm not quite ready to call it quits if there is a way through this.  I love her very much, but I want that to be healthy and with boundaries, so that if I do have to walk away, I will know that I have done all I can.   She invents things to be mad about, blames everything on me and refuses to take responsibility 95% of the time.  I feel like I can't talk to her about how she is hurting me without her feeling attacked and lashing back out at me.  She is so tender and sensitive and full of love, but when that switch flips, its scary and there is no talking her out of it.  I feel like I have been good, for the most part, about not engaging in unproductive, angry conversations.  Although, I know myself to be condescending or unintentionally antagonistic when I think someone is being ridiculous and irrational.  I'm working on that.  I'm frustrated at being damned if I do and damned if I don't.  I'm frustrated at all the blaming and finger pointing and complete lack of willingness to own her stuff. She genuinely thinks she is justified in her behavior, and sees no problem with it because to her, that is the consequence of me making her angry. 

I don't know.  At the moment, she is 'never talking to me again.'  I guess I just want to know what to do or say when she starts to miss me and starts reaching out.  Based on all the evidence, that is inevitable.  I want to be prepared in a healthy and loving way. 

Any insight is appreciated.
Thanks.

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[strugglingBF]

Scariest part that I can identify with is where you said, "that is the consequences of making her angry" and the fact she will justify those consequences.  In my relationship with my uBDPgf she does the exact same thing.  I do live in fear of what consequences she will justify if I make her angry.  For my experience, that is the single biggest factor in my walking on eggshells.  And once they establish that they are willing to do some really ridiculous and hurtful things to you if you make them angry, they know that you will do everything you can not to make them angry...and they will exploit that in every way possible to get what they want out of you, to get you to act the way they want you to.   It is absolutely a form a mental abuse.  I believe the BPD community calls that FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt).   They will use them all against you, and they all kind of go hand in hand.  Now that I am aware of FOG, I have actually witnessed my GF try to get to do something she wants me to do by trying each (fear, obligation, guilt) out on me.  They typically go in the order of obligation (she words something like, "any guy that I would want to date should do this for me"), guilt (she words something like, "if you don't do this for me it is going to hurt me in some way"), then fear (she workds something like, "if you don't do this for me then I am going to do this bad thing, or thing you won't like, to you").  She will use them all, consistently. 

I don't know what the right answer is with regards to handling her reaching out to you.  I am still trying to make my relationship work and I am 4 years into some consistent and solid BPD behaviors from my GF (although I was lost until the last 9 months when I found out about BPD from out prior couples therapist).  I get silent treatment, I get hung up on almost daily, I get told to leave her alone (my GF always contacts me within 24 hours, usually less), I get told to "break up with me" all the time.  You get used to empty threats and words.  I have started going down the road to breakup three times with her.  The first one she just refused to be broken up (we lived together at the time).  Her behavior subsided for a while that time and that was early on in the relationship, so I jumped back in.  The second time was centered around us needed couples therapy if we were going to make this work.  We did go to couples therapy for a while and it was working for a short period of time.  However, she stopped going when things got uncomfortable and she was held accountable for her actions and things she was saying in therapy.  She would say some pretty jaw-dropping things in therapy.  I was always worried she would come across as this perfect loving GF in therapy...not the case...her BPD shined through.  Therapy got uncomfortable and she stopped going.  I kept seeing the same therapist for personal therapy, and our therapist immediately started gearing my therapy toward living with someone with BPD.  She game me the "Stop Walking on Eggshells" book during the first appointment after my GF stopped going.  My GF, by the way, found the book and BPD has been a very heated topic since.  I avoid it as much as I can and will totally deny that I think she has it.  I don't need a formal diagnosis by the way, she fits 90% of the criteria perfectly.  Really the only thing she doesn't have is the suicidal/self harming part.  She has aspects of every other criteria to varying degrees.  The third time I started down the road to breakup was when we split houses after a major blowup where her daughter (also suspected BPD) assaulted my son.  Strangely enough, it was my therapist that encouraged me not to make a split decision to break up based on an incident between her daughter and my son.  My GF also turned a 180 during this period, right before she moved out.  She turned up the intimacy, affection, positive attitude and that helped lure me back as well.  Things have progressively gotten worse since she moved out 8 months ago.  I actually love her and care for her a lot, which is what keeps me going.  However, I would say the BPD is probably never been worse for such a prolonged period of time as it has been lately.  If I was a betting man, I would probably put money on us not making it.  That being said, I only recently discovered this website and the tools for dealing with BPD.  I am trying to give this an "informed" shot without any actions on my part that do not help the relationship.  Basically, I want to be able to look back and say I did everything I could with a calm and loving mind and actions and it still didn't work.  I am still failing a lot at my part, especially with the JADEing.  I want to overcome the JADEing and then see where this can go.   
 

[pursuingJoy]

January, welcome welcome!    So sorry for all you've been through.  You're in good company here.

You describe some behaviors that we are all too familiar with. I hear a very genuine appreciation for her positive attributes but I agree, positive attributes don't justify the occasional abuse and maltreatment.

I learned about BPD about 6 months ago when our marriage counselor suggested only to me that my MIL may have it, so I'm fairly new to it too. The thought of a personality disorder is pretty daunting. At first I really wanted to talk to my H about it (he is very enmeshed and in complete denial, and bears some heavy BPD traits himself) but the counselor and people here told me I shouldn't, for a host of reasons. The disorder is really is a means of dysfunctional relating. Like you, I learned that I can make it better or worse.

I am doing everything I can to learn about this problem, while trying to remain open and honest about my shortcomings.  I have a long history of dysfunctional and co-dependant relationships.  I know I have a tendency to try to "fix" or "rescue."  Mostly, this comes from a sincerely empathetic place, but I am aware of my own issues with self esteem and co-dependence.

We can relate! Many of us are here because of codependency and rescuing tendencies. I'm impressed that you're willing to assess your role and what you can to improve the situation.  

I'm frustrated at being damned if I do and damned if I don't.  I'm frustrated at all the blaming and finger pointing and complete lack of willingness to own her stuff. She genuinely thinks she is justified in her behavior, and sees no problem with it because to her, that is the consequence of me making her angry.

I can really relate to this. My MIL cries and plays the victim in all scenarios, refuses to accept responsibility and she absolutely feels justified in all of her behavior. I'm halfway impressed at her blameshifting abilities, they're predictable and so very precise. Radical acceptance is something I'm still working on but it's a huge step in the right direction. I've also spent a lot of the last 6 months identifying what I value and finding ways to set boundaries around my values. These two steps have made a difference in helping me manage my emotions around BPD.

I don't know.  At the moment, she is 'never talking to me again.'  I guess I just want to know what to do or say when she starts to miss me and starts reaching out.  Based on all the evidence, that is inevitable.  I want to be prepared in a healthy and loving way.  

Ugh. I'm so sorry you're on this roller coaster. I know it's hard when she's dysregulating. I have found that staying calm and maintaining a consistent message (aka boundaries) has been an effective way of managing their dysregulation. My H and MIL make occasional threats. I've learned not to take their threats seriously (even though they hurt and make me mad in the moment), to respond in a way that always feels true to what I believe and value, and simply stay steady.

Sometimes I also speak to their behavior ("I am hearing what you're saying as a threat. Is that what you're trying to communicate?") This technique works with my husband. I haven't tried it with my MIL.

Are you open to working on the relationship with her? What do YOU want?

pj

[JanuaryJones]

Thank you both so much for your response.  It is extremely helpful to hear other peoples stories, and get advice/insight based on others experiences.  I am definitely not ready to give up on her.  From all of the things I am reading, I believe that there is a lot of potential for growth and improvement on BOTH of our parts.  For now, I am respecting her desire for space and working on learning more about the part I play in the situation.  This way, when she does reach out, I will be prepared and have a better sense of how receptive she is when I am not accidentally triggering or invalidating her feelings.  I hate to say "it could be so much worse," but I know that there is a lot of growth necessary, on my part as well, that could prove transformative for the relationship.  I'm aware that I am only responsible for my behavior.  This is all new to me in terms of NAMING the problem, and I am realizing a lot about my own blind spots and negative patterns.  There is beauty in that and I am grateful, regardless of the outcome for the relationship.  Right?

Anyway, thanks again.  Truly.

xO