Choosing Someone Else

[Katykaty]

I was told this would be a good place to get some support. I have been with my ex-husband for 6 years. He has been involved with other women, drugs and alcohol and recently started getting sober. We have not lived together for four+ years, but we've always maintained some sort of relationship. However, last week, he was exposed and he has been in another relationship for over 3 years. He's been in both and says he's choosing her. However, his only communication to me was that he did still want a relationship with me. All other communication has been with her and I don't know if he'll be back this time.

Is choosing her part of his illness?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Hi Katykaty! Welcome to the family!

This is a good place to come. BPD is an often-misunderstood condition, almost impossible to truly understand for people who haven't experienced it. We "get it."

To answer your question, maybe. If we knew more about this other woman and the nature of both relationships, it may be easier to pick apart. For pwBPD, fear of abandonment is extremely strong and that could be playing into it here.

Has your ex been diagnosed? Not that that fully matters. Even if he hasn't been, you may still find the information on this site helpful.

When you're feeling up to it, I hope you'll look around at the tools on this site (in the drop-down tabs at the top), read (and post) other threads. And I hope you'll share more about your relationship. The more we know, the more we can help you try to understand.

Again, welcome!

[Katykaty]

Our relationship is hard to put into words. We have never truly separated, even though we did divorce. The divorce was an agreement due to pressures from his family and high profile job. After the divorce, and during his addiction, he met her.

We have always maintained some sort of relationship and I've always given him space to fight his own demons and offered a helping hand if ever he needed one. In May, I sent him resources to get help and left him to it. He began making slow but steady changes. Sought counseling and began sobriety from meth. It was in his 3rd or 4th month in sobriety that he began to return to my family. He started keeping commitments, spending family time, yet still said he wasn't ready to come home. He had more work to do. In December he was diagnosed with BPD.

I don't know too much about the nature of their relationship apart from the fact that they do drink together (another of his addictions) and she searched his phone and found out about me and has since taken over his phone number and emails, which she admitted to me. She has cut off all communication between us and he is allowing it.

I don't know if this helps at all. I don't know how to cover all the bases, yet keep it pertinent and to the point.

[Ozzie101]

Sounds like she may be an enabler, addiction-wise, and that would probably be very attractive to him. There may be other "needs" she's fulfilling as well. And that would make him more susceptible and willing to give in to the control.

How's your self-care? Do you see a therapist? Have friends and family you can spend time with (they don't have to know what's going on)? Hobbies? Self-care is so helpful and important when it comes to building up our own emotional strength.

Reading around on this site can help, too. Sometimes learning more about BPD and how it works can make a big difference in how we handle things. Have you read the book Stop Walking on Eggshells? It was a real eye-opener for me.

[Katykaty]

I do believe she is an enabler and I have boundaries. I know that he doesn't like my boundaries, but I believe it's allowed for positive change.

My personal care is usually great! I spent 2019 seeking a life that no longer depended on him and I mark that down as a success. This is just a new event that's rocked me. When I saw so much positive, this discovery makes me feel deceived.

I stopped reading books about his issues so that I could focus on my own and I do have a great support system. I am prepared, however, to start learning about his illness again so that I can take the right steps should be resurface.

Is there a chance that he was factually taking steps to recover a healthy life?