hi Meridius,
can you catch me up a bit:
what led up to you instigating a separation?
what were the goals...what were/are you trying to achieve for you, and what were you hoping to see from her specifically?
what is the end date? is there one?
would this be the first, or have there been prior sessions? how have they gone?
a lot of questions i know, but they will really help.
Hello OR
Why did I leave? I can't trust what she says, she’s not taking responsibility, and she screamed at me to leave too many times.
The things that pushed me over the edge were1. an overdose #6 in August before a overseas visit to my family . I couldn’t risk taking her after she was in rehab for four weeks. That was after five previous ODs. I’ve told her no more.
2. after I got back, a smaller drug overdose (#7) after a panicky late night fight about my kids, and
3. getting screamed at during couples counselling #2 and demanded me to move out that weekend. She stormed out and was yelling from the hallway. The counsellor from the session next door had to come out to check on what was happening. Add the obligatory, “I didn’t mean it” 30 minutes later after I tracked her down after she stormed off.
Other big things she did1. when I was sharing my feelings about my parents probably passing in the next 5-7 years, she fondled my genitals and giggled. I was shocked and jumped out of bed. I haven’t touched her since that happened in August last year.
We’ve had three counsellors. The first she didn’t like. The second my BPDw lost her sh*t at me in the session. The third one is better, but by then, I basically walked in saying “I want a separation”. She didn't. I picked the first one. She picked the next two.
My outcomes for the separation are* Disappearing the stress anxiety reflex: gut punches - I’m pretty sure they’ll go once I leave. The hardest part is figuring out how to stop it when she is around.
* Career refocus for me. Professional certifications.
* Reflection / Answer some big questions about what is going on, whether I could handle staying on, and how I could reconcile that with my faith
* Disappearing the anger that I’ve waited and tried to be patient so long for her to get better after the bullying and harassment, and her losing it with my kids...and it hasn’t happened.
* Refocus on where my kids are, without arguing with her about the time I spend
* Rebuild capacity for trust, in general, and perhaps with her
* Time to reconnect with my spiritual centre, my Creator,
* Disappearing the fear that the next time we get intimate, I’ll remember the fondling incident and think about losing my parents.
* keep going to AlAnon. One Day at a Time. Detach with Love.
I’ve been calling it a trial separation with her, with my friends, with her friends, but I’m only just starting to think through what would be required to stay. It looks daunting. If she wasn’t drowning in her traumas, she's a really nice person.
Goals for herThat she start to take responsibility for herself.
That she reconnect with her spiritual centre, God
That she reconnect with herself
I don’t know how well those have landed. She’s struggling to even cook and shower.
What happened before that to get to where I am today? The big story.We’ve been married just shy of three years. It’s both our second marriages. Her two kids are grown up and live inter-state with good jobs. I have teen daughters. She was high functioning in her job (so I thought), but had been recovering from a previous divorce where she was in the mental hospital when her husband served her divorce papers after HE had the affair. Ugly. She did full DBT before we met, and was articulate about how it worked for her.
She had told me she was BPD, but in remission. I did a little bit of research, but she seemed like she was handling things okay. She was building a new venture with a neighbourhood church and seemed to be juggling all the pieces with construction, compliance, marketing and the like. Still it was an extremely stressful work situation for her. She was drinking to cope.
Then, a few months after we got married, her father passed away. There’s history there. I found out about the sexual abuse. Not just the father, but the brother as well. She had told me she had reconciled with her dad, but I’m not so sure now.
Then she went through bullying and harassment with her boss in the pressure to get the venture started. The bullying was so bad, and the way her boss, a senior church minister, handled the aftermath was also so bad, she tried to commit suicide once, and had four other overdose attempts in about 6 months. She wrote me a suicide note. She had 8 hospitalisations, 7 visits to rehab and multiple ambulance calls. She didn’t tell me the truth about her alcohol withdrawal symptoms, and constantly claims her psychiatrist and psychologist are okay with her “drinking responsibly” in spite of a drugstore of psychotropics that she was taking. The diagnosis back then was BPD traits, C-PTSD, anxiety, panic disorder, depression. I get that the minister was a dick and deserves censure, but something doesn’t line up in terms of her reaction she had to what he did. The proportion is a bit off.
Her relationship with my kids became very tense. She called my eldest daughter an f**king b**ch and became very controlling and paranoid on how my teenage daughters behaved. The paranoia and mistrust with my girls was affecting my ability to be father. She would complain constantly that I was “different” with her when my girls were around. In hindsight, I think that was her “abandonment fears” kicking in. I was feeling trapped in a world of WTF? Who do I defend? Her or my kids?
We had so many fights about the girls. She blamed it on the med, or her not being told how difficult my 16DD was (My daughter has ADD…and she’s 16. What did you expect? And you’ve had kids yourself?). There was one time the home stress was so high, I lost my sh*t really badly and police were called, but we managed to stay together. Not proud of that, but I’ve learned from it. She blocked her memory of all the stress she caused before that and it took me a year of badgering so she would listen to her contribution to the stress. I had to write it out for her.
She has been getting workers compensation payments, but was becoming dependent on alcohol and would get stroppy if I suggested she cut back. I have strong values about not leaning on alcohol to self-medicate. I was starting to get occasional stress anxiety responses, “gut punches”, like violent hiccups if I thought about her or was with her.
About two years ago, she convinced her doctor she was okay to go back to work. But didn’t start part-time, got the same kind of job elsewhere and got sacked after a month. Fortunately for her, she got sacked in a bad way and managed to get back on workers compensation again. More hospitalisations. More fights about the girls and how she felt less important than them.
I think the thing that destroyed my trust early last year is when she told me her first husband had given her an ultimatum. “If you overdose again I’ll leave you”. She eventually overdosed many years later. He left her. When I asked her “WHY did you tell me this?. What good is it for me to know this about your previous marriage?" She said she didn’t want me to do the same thing. This was after 5 overdoses. Seriously? When we were dating, she said her marriage broke up because he had an affair. All of a sudden, the bullying and harassment incident was not the start of the craziness, it was the middle of the craziness.
Soon after, I decided to take off for four days to clear my head a year ago in March. She knew I was wondering about us. I rented a beach house and did a massive mind map of what was happening. I came back feeling better. When I walked in the house, she didn’t even say hi to me. She only yelled “So is the competition over between me and your girls?”. Apparently not. I tried to stick around, but it was getting harder.
She tried to start DBT again last year, but stopped it when she decided to go back to rehab for drinking. I had told her if we’re traveling with my kids, we’re travelling dry. That rehab didn’t work well. She got disciplined for having valium in her purse. A week later, she ODed at home…and managed to get into rehab. She was discharged three weeks before the overseas family visit. It was too risky and no travel insurance would cover her. She wasn’t happy that I had decided go without her. I took my one of my daughters (the other had to study for exams) and had a great time. That was my first big boundary. And someone who has BPD said to me, “It’s a clean boundary"
When I got back from the trip, she’d arranged a relationship counsellor. We only had two sessions and that’s when she screaming at me to move out. I spoke to the counsellor afterwards, and she said, ’She’s not ready for a relationship”. She picked another counsellor after our church minister suggested one. That was the only time she was sober for 64 days. She didn’t like it.
That’s when the “gut punches” started getting really, really bad. I had to get out. She found a third counsellor in November last year, and this one is better. But I walked in knowing “I want a separation. I need to get away for my own health”. So we’ve really just been talking about that and she’s dealing with my BPDw not really liking that big, big boundary.
There was one time we were cuddling in bed and I was talking about my parents. They're getting older, and I was talking about how they might pass soon. Maybe five or seven years. It was a vulnerable moment, and she decided to fondle my genitals and giggled. I was gobsmacked and jumped out of bed. I couldn’t believe she was that rude. She’s apologetic, but the reason she gave for doing it is simple, but crazy. She just wanted sex from her husband and wasn’t interested in listening. And I had to ask and she gave three different reasons for that reason to come out. I only believe the answer because she’s obviously not trying to make herself look good. But it doesn’t help. Maybe she’s a sex addict?
I’ve stopped hassling her about her drinking or the money spent on mobile phone games. She say she psychiatrist says drinking a little is okay. And doing puzzles is good for her. She buys puzzle packs constantly. I’ve been in AlAnon for a year and half. It’s kept me sorta grounded. But it’s also got me thinking about what my relationship needs and wants are. So when the second counsellor asked what we both needed to feel “safe and supported”, her reaction to my list was not good. She didn’t like “no ODs”, “no temper tantrums”, “keep your
PLEASE READ together regardless what my kids do”, “no lying or misleading me”.
I would have moved out earlier than I did, but she needed carpal tunnel surgery on both hands and I felt bad to leave if she couldn’t do things at home. One surgery was in Sept. The other in November. Actually, I would have moved out after she swore at my daughter, but I was so afraid she would try to kill herself again.
So we’re on counsellor number three. We managed to fake a decent Christmas together with her, me and my kids.
I moved out 1 Feb, just in time to avoid Valentine’s Day.
