Acceptance

[Lola B]

There comes a moment when you decide that the behavior that hurts you, that is an aggressive cancer to the relationship, is simply that. A kind of cancer. Or seizure. Whatever metaphor used, the biology of the brain is misfiring and causing damage to the body. How I remember that in moments of chaos is something I will pray and meditate about because I dont think this I’ll will simply be lifted from us. I think I will be alone as a woman who had many options once, and long for partnership and friendship but will endure a similar loneliness that my daughter has because of her illness.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Lola I am so sorry you feel alone right now. How can I support you?

[Lola B]

Thank you. I've done some praying about it and it seems to come and go somewhat more predictably now that I have accepted it. I have also accepted being solo. I have scars all over my body and am qualified as disabled although I refuse to be disabled and started working in January. Anyway, I'm a mess physically, and I also don't trust that I will partner with someone who can tolerate this or that is not addicted. All of my partners have been secret addicts to both substances and either porn or up skirting. It tries one's soul.

I have to share though, that I have spoken with some religious folks who choose to conduct missions to spread the word of God as they choose to practice that worship. I listen to most things and gain whatever wisdom seems wise, regardless of the language (christian, mormon, Jehovah's Witness, jewish, buddhist, etc). I strongly prefer the young missionaries, because they recently brought a woman more my age and she gently told me I was playing the victim and told me she used to do that and learned to overcome that because it kept her disempowered.

Her "thing" was an alcoholic mom (she's at least 45 now) and went on and on in her text to me about how she gets triggered NOW because of things that remind her of then. So she said, "you're weak and like identifying as a victim" but recounted her injuries in detail (not detached) and in comparison to mine.

Forget the lifetime of qualifiers I have endured and largely overcome. right now I'm working through getting crushed, rehabbing for over 2 years, going on Medicaid and being denied disability, nearly losing my house, losing most of my friends, my kid having PTSD because all this is hard on anyone, much less a person who feels very deeply, being unrecognizable to MYSELF when my memory fails me or my brain injury impulsivity causes me to behave like a lunatic.

So the part of me that I think is "normal" wants to tell her to put her comment sideways where the sun don't shine.

But I sought the wisdom and silver linings in her comments to me and I told her thank you and meant it regarding the insights I gained from her sharing. I did get some insights that I can act upon. That is today's blessing. As for the kid, she is doing well and has a meltdown once a day for about 2 minutes. I walk away with my mouth SHUT and it is over immediately. Sometimes I get an apology!

[PeaceMom]

Lola,
Hadn’t heard from you in a while. This sounds positive to me. What changed regarding DD and her shorter rage sessions and her apologies?  Any idea?
My T always says a true “victim” has no choices so when I feel like a victim I need to dig deep and figure out if that’s actually true. Typically I “feel” like I have no choice, but I actually do!

[Lola B]

Hi PeaceMom,

I’m working now so I’m too tired to log on much.

I attribute the drastic reduction in outbursts and also the brevity of them to my growing detachment and neutral disengagement when she’s hitting the ceiling. I’ve learned how to shut my mouth and disengage I’m neutral silence now. I know this is the secret because she gets the last vicious nasty word and storms off and quiets down quickly.

I have. Very bad pinch nerve so I’m needy. and not surprisingly, she hit the ceiling. She cried a lot today in longing that everyone leaves her. It is no wonder why we are alone. 

Objectively, this 20 something generation has had it the worst in a long time. School shootings, pornography, social media, and now the apocaplse weigh extra heavily on people with mood issues. I, too. Have mood issues, so when all this awfulness piles up and then I have acute pain or problems. I get extremely depressed and the brain injury impulsivity makes me go down dark paths, but I thought stop. I took drastic, aggressive action on those thoughts last summer and I learned the hard way it’s not my time.   But somethings got to give.

[PeaceMom]

Lola,
I’m sorry for the pain you are living with. That alone is rough, add a dysregulated DD to your daily life, it becomes even more complex. I like how you describe your detachment during her episodes. I can see why her fire fizzles out. I have learned this same trick and perform fairly well unless I’m extremely exhausted, preoccupied, or unfocused.

Thanks for reminding us that even the most stable 20 somethings are living thru very uncertain, unhealthy times. I tend to forget that. Hang in there, Lola.