Red Flag-Wife w/BPD wants to leave for 7+ days with child

[Michael43]

I wanted to get some feedback.  Tonight my wife w/BPD told me that she wants to leave town for 7+ days and take my 7 year old daughter.  She claims she wants to go to the in-laws for those days. There are specific dates next week when she wants to do this.

I did let my wife know that I felt the 7 days is excessive.  The longest we have been apart as the 3 of us was 5 days, and I think that is the limit I can tolerate without being around my daughter.  She also picked 7 straight days when I will be working and would not be available to come at all.

I asked "why" & she said that we don't have to spend every minute with each other. And that she thought I would like a break [I don't really]. And that I fight with my daughter all the time [not true, but she does have this perception].

My wife did have a time 5 years ago where she had an inappropriate emotional (not sexual) relationship with another man.  I did let her know if it happens again I will file for divorce.

This proposition is raising some red flags for me.  I have offered for her to go on different dates, or go without my daughter, or to discuss this another time, but she always says, "It won't change how I feel." It makes me think she is meeting someone else, or preparing to leave for an extended amount of time of her choice, maybe permanently. Maybe she is just trying to push her limits of how long she can leave with my daughter.

So far I am planning on NOT bringing up the issue unless she says anything different.  I could see her making all of this up to cause conflict. If she does take my daughter without permission I plan to consult my family law attorney and minister for advice.

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[Football2000]

Personally I don't see 7 days as being excessive. In a normal relationship that would seem good and actually time apart is good. I think you are going to have to trust her on that, but at the same time you can also call her or your daughter when they are away...I mean I am sure your daughter would like to phone you sometimes.

[Brooklyn1974]

Have you read up on boundaries and setting limits?  Are you two in counseling?  As your daughter being 7 years old, I am sure when she gets back she will report/tell you of any weird situations that might have went on there.

I understand about the cheating and how it rocks the foundation of a marriage.  Have you noticed any other red flags of her being unfaithful? 

[Michael43]

Have you read up on boundaries and setting limits?  Are you two in counseling?

I have learned and applied quite a bit about setting boundaries, including the ones from this site https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries
We see individual therapists.  We tried couples counseling a few years ago, but she would either go on a dysregulated blaming tirade or completely shut down.

Tonight my wife brought up in conversation that she plans only to go for the 5 days.  I can still call to check up on them. I take her at her word on this for now.

Have you noticed any other red flags of her being unfaithful?

There seems to be a lot of text messages/notifications coming in at odd times of the night. She gets very defensive when I ask where she is going, even if it is a simple trip to the store. These may be coincidental and not indicative of an affair. She has seemed emotionally distant lately, but she goes through cycles of this based on her diagnosis.