How to tell her I am not interested?

[joshbjoshb]

I know this question might be funny for some. But for me it's part of my life.

Sometimes, after a full day of rage, criticizing, complaining, my wife is looking for the physical closeness. She is coming to be close and is surprised - rather shocked! - that I am not so interested.

How do I say nicely "Sweetie, you are so mean today and I don't want to hug you right now?"

It's just so frustrating. As if she has a switch off button, or simply forgets everything she did that day.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi joshbjoshb:
I'll take a crack at it.  Here are a couple of strategies that could work for you:

SET (Support, Empathy & Truth)
Example:
I like to cuddle with you, especially when I know that it makes you feel better;   but, I don't want to do it after a day of being raged at and criticized.  After a day like that, I feel distant.

Another strategy that can be helpful for you is to have a few "I" Statements handy.

The 19-minute video at the link below can be a helpful tutorial for using "I" Statements:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RDExNRJCUp0

A couple of samples appear below.  They might give you an idea about a type of I-statement that might apply to your situation.  What might your version be?  Take a crack at it and see what you come up with.

Sample 1
Today, I felt targeted by rage and criticism. I can't feel affection after that. I love you and I want us to be mutually respectful and supportive of each other. Tomorrow is a new day.  Let's both work on making it a better one.

Sample 2
I'm sorry sweetie, I'm not feeling affectionate right now. It was a tough day for me & I'm still struggling with my feelings from being rage at & criticized. 
I want to have respectful conversations with you, so that I can be in the mood for cuddling.  Let's make tomorrow a better day for both of us.