Unplanned pregnancy and the nightmare that goes with it

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I have been on and off this forum for a long time now regarding my relationship with someone with bpd and the challenges i faced.
We broke up 18 months ago and as is common i struggled to detach and we bounced along the bottom so to speak, effectively seeing each other here and there, never forming a "relationship" and something more akin to friends with benefits, with the occasional chink of light representing the possible... which never materialised.

Things came to a bit of a head a few weeks back when the issues which have plagued us - my biological daughter, came to a head.
Once of the reasons we broke up was because my exwpd refused to have my biological daugher in the house (she is 10 now but was 8) and accused her of all sorts - bullying, arogance, etc.. In my view she is none of those things, and simply a lovely child who at times found blending a family hard, and found living with a new step sister challenging - although as far as I could see the 2 kids got on like standard siblings - arguing one moment, playing the next.

Anyway, during lockdown I struggled with lonliness and when she called saying she missed me, I went over - she was late for her period as she has been breastfeeding an 18 month old, and as a result, I was less than careful assuming that if she was due a period there was not so much risk.
I ended up spending the week there, with the conversation and hope that we might be able to reconcile, but as always when we hit the topic of my custody, and her demanding i reduce it so we could be in a relationship again, things broke down - I refused to cut down my custody with my biological daughter, and as a result she refuses to entertain a relationship with me where because she wont have my daugter anywhere near her, i would have to stay in my home 3 nights a week. We finished with the acknowledgement that this was really probably it.

Spin forward a few weeks, she asks me over to help fit a stair gate, and tells me she is pregnant.

Ive always said if something like that happens i would do the right thing and try to make things work, support her etc.. but her demands were the same, reduce custody with my daughter to 1 overnight stay and 2 days - something which for me is inconcieveable. We argueued a lot about it, and everytime it ended in her being very upset and me going home.

A couple of days later we were messaging and she was very upset to the point where eventually after being worried about her, i went around at 1:30am to find her passed out on the floor with a bottle of gin and a empty packet of pills. Not enough to do any real lasting damage, but not a good situation. I looked after her thorugh the night ( and made sure her kids were ok )

The next few days things repeated argument wise, and a she blocked all communication with me.
A day later she called me at 11:30pm saying she was experiencing some bleeding, and needed to go to a doctors, could i look after her kids - I said of course, but as i had my daughter would need to bring her with me - she declined and said i wasnt to do that, and would have to drop her at her mums - it was now about 12:30 in the morning. I refused to do that, saying it was unfair, and unneccesary, i was happy to come but wasnt fair to dump my daughter. She hung up and blocked me some more.

She is now at the point where she isnt sure if she is going to continue the pregnancy, and is deciding in the next few days what choice she is going to take.

Im in such a mess, the way she has been recently along with the fact we broke up for good reason, and were not able to reconcile mean I dont see how we could be together(although as with many bpd people when we are in a good place, its amazing).
She is now accusing me of domestic abuse because of our disagreements and my lack of willingness to compromise my biological daughters custody - a tactic im sure she is employing so if she does have the baby she can try to stop me from being involved - something I would definitely want to be.

I feel guilty
I feel like i am letting her down when she is vulnerable and pregnant, although I have tried to say repeatedly i will support her physically and financially where I can, but she refuses to accept that on the basis that I will only do it on what she calls "my terms" which basically mean when i dont have my daughter(because she wont let me do anything with her there)
I feel like i could be in control of preventing her going ahead with a termination by agreeing to her requests to reduce custody, but I cant bring myself to consider that.
I dont feel like I am a domestic abuser - we cant agree when we talk, and she ends up upset, but its not because im abusive, its because i cant cross a line she wants me to cross and that makes her enraged.

I dont really know what to do, what to say, where to go, and just feel like i need some support.

Help
ps apologies if this isnt in the right section - i felt it was most relevant

[Robbland]

I have been on and off this forum for a long time now regarding my relationship with someone with bpd and the challenges i faced.
We broke up 18 months ago and as is common i struggled to detach and we bounced along the bottom so to speak, effectively seeing each other here and there, never forming a "relationship" and something more akin to friends with benefits, with the occasional chink of light representing the possible... which never materialised.

Things came to a bit of a head a few weeks back when the issues which have plagued us - my biological daughter, came to a head.
Once of the reasons we broke up was because my exwpd refused to have my biological daugher in the house (she is 10 now but was 8) and accused her of all sorts - bullying, arogance, etc.. In my view she is none of those things, and simply a lovely child who at times found blending a family hard, and found living with a new step sister challenging - although as far as I could see the 2 kids got on like standard siblings - arguing one moment, playing the next.

Anyway, during lockdown I struggled with lonliness and when she called saying she missed me, I went over - she was late for her period as she has been breastfeeding an 18 month old, and as a result, I was less than careful assuming that if she was due a period there was not so much risk.
I ended up spending the week there, with the conversation and hope that we might be able to reconcile, but as always when we hit the topic of my custody, and her demanding i reduce it so we could be in a relationship again, things broke down - I refused to cut down my custody with my biological daughter, and as a result she refuses to entertain a relationship with me where because she wont have my daugter anywhere near her, i would have to stay in my home 3 nights a week. We finished with the acknowledgement that this was really probably it.

Spin forward a few weeks, she asks me over to help fit a stair gate, and tells me she is pregnant.

Ive always said if something like that happens i would do the right thing and try to make things work, support her etc.. but her demands were the same, reduce custody with my daughter to 1 overnight stay and 2 days - something which for me is inconcieveable. We argueued a lot about it, and everytime it ended in her being very upset and me going home.

A couple of days later we were messaging and she was very upset to the point where eventually after being worried about her, i went around at 1:30am to find her passed out on the floor with a bottle of gin and a empty packet of pills. Not enough to do any real lasting damage, but not a good situation. I looked after her thorugh the night ( and made sure her kids were ok )

The next few days things repeated argument wise, and a she blocked all communication with me.
A day later she called me at 11:30pm saying she was experiencing some bleeding, and needed to go to a doctors, could i look after her kids - I said of course, but as i had my daughter would need to bring her with me - she declined and said i wasnt to do that, and would have to drop her at her mums - it was now about 12:30 in the morning. I refused to do that, saying it was unfair, and unneccesary, i was happy to come but wasnt fair to dump my daughter. She hung up and blocked me some more.

She is now at the point where she isnt sure if she is going to continue the pregnancy, and is deciding in the next few days what choice she is going to take.

Im in such a mess, the way she has been recently along with the fact we broke up for good reason, and were not able to reconcile mean I dont see how we could be together(although as with many bpd people when we are in a good place, its amazing).
She is now accusing me of domestic abuse because of our disagreements and my lack of willingness to compromise my biological daughters custody - a tactic im sure she is employing so if she does have the baby she can try to stop me from being involved - something I would definitely want to be.

I feel guilty
I feel like i am letting her down when she is vulnerable and pregnant, although I have tried to say repeatedly i will support her physically and financially where I can, but she refuses to accept that on the basis that I will only do it on what she calls "my terms" which basically mean when i dont have my daughter(because she wont let me do anything with her there)
I feel like i could be in control of preventing her going ahead with a termination by agreeing to her requests to reduce custody, but I cant bring myself to consider that.
I dont feel like I am a domestic abuser - we cant agree when we talk, and she ends up upset, but its not because im abusive, its because i cant cross a line she wants me to cross and that makes her enraged.

I dont really know what to do, what to say, where to go, and just feel like i need some support.

Help
ps apologies if this isnt in the right section - i felt it was most relevant

[Robbland]

Anyone?

[kells76]

Robbland, welcome, your post is seen and you are heard 

ps apologies if this isnt in the right section - i felt it was most relevant

You're in exactly the right place, and you deserve kudos for reaching out for help in this excruciating time in your life. We're here for you.

While I'm usually over on the Family Law board, I often check out other boards for learning, so, here I am welcoming you!

I dont really know what to do, what to say, where to go, and just feel like i need some support.

These are the hardest relationships with the most challenging people. As you've experienced, people with BPD-type behaviors can have black-and-white, win-lose, me-or-them thinking. It's not healthy, mature, or appropriate for your GF (ex-GF?) to make ultimatums about "me or your daughter".

Robbland, are you 110% sure that this possible pregnancy is "yours"? Sadly, pwBPD (people with BPD) might not see fidelity in the same way that non-BPD folks do. If it "feels true" that she needed to be with someone else, well, that may be how she saw it. Or, if she "feels pregnant", even if she isn't... well, that's something else to consider. These are wild, far-out ways of thinking and coping that might not seem normal (because they're not!) to us. But, as she might be trying to use "a pregnancy" to rope you back in... just be forewarned to be discerning as you consider what she's telling you.

Kudos to you once again for caring so much about your daughter. That is the right priority -- she's the child, your GF is the adult.

You're doing great things even in this struggle. Loving your child, asking for help, trying to do the right thing.

Hang in there and keep posting. I know others will be along soon to care for you, too.

kells76