How he reacts to a situation is not under my jurisdiction

[HappyKJ]

I can definitely relate. After I woke up this morning I was in the bathroom, and I heard him yelling and cursing. Already I started to tense up. I came out and apparently I had put together the vacuum cleaner wrong which made a big mess, and then he was so flustered that he broke a lamp. So he gave me a lecture about how I need to be more conscientious and careful because little things lead to big things and now he was going to have to meditate just to get his head straight. I admit I didn't handle the situation perfectly. I defended myself regarding the vacuum (this always infuriates him and he said I'm "trying to skate out of the issue"), plus it detracts from the more important matter, which is that yes, I make mistakes sometimes as all people do, but how he reacts to a situation is not under my jurisdiction.

I went on to course-correct by sympathizing with how frustrated he must be and making an empathy statement, which helped a little, but he has been in an angry mood for the rest of the day -- typically when he gets off on the wrong foot, every little thing sets him off for the rest of the day, and he's been interrogating. And even though I knew this anger was just waiting to get released and I shouldn't take it personally, all day I've felt an enormous weight of guilt and anxiety. He even said, "Why are your hands shaking? Are you nervous?" I don't tell him that I feel anxious when he is angry because when I have said things like that in the past, it just escalates things.

I've analyzed everything and wondered what I could have done differently. In fact, a great deal of our relationship has been me trying to avoid any little screwup either in word or action that would set him over the edge. That if I could just be a better person -- more competent, more capable, more considerate, more calm in the face of turmoil -- that we wouldn't have these issues. Does anyone else experience this? Is there anything I can do with him to ameliorate this situation, or does it need to be done internally?

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[UBPDHelp]

I can definitely relate. After I woke up this morning I was in the bathroom, and I heard him yelling and cursing. Already I started to tense up. I came out and apparently I had put together the vacuum cleaner wrong which made a big mess, and then he was so flustered that he broke a lamp. So he gave me a lecture about how I need to be more conscientious and careful because little things lead to big things and now he was going to have to meditate just to get his head straight. I admit I didn't handle the situation perfectly. I defended myself regarding the vacuum (this always infuriates him and he said I'm "trying to skate out of the issue"), plus it detracts from the more important matter, which is that yes, I make mistakes sometimes as all people do, but how he reacts to a situation is not under my jurisdiction.

I went on to course-correct by sympathizing with how frustrated he must be and making an empathy statement, which helped a little, but he has been in an angry mood for the rest of the day -- typically when he gets off on the wrong foot, every little thing sets him off for the rest of the day, and he's been interrogating. And even though I knew this anger was just waiting to get released and I shouldn't take it personally, all day I've felt an enormous weight of guilt and anxiety. He even said, "Why are your hands shaking? Are you nervous?" I don't tell him that I feel anxious when he is angry because when I have said things like that in the past, it just escalates things.

I've analyzed everything and wondered what I could have done differently. In fact, a great deal of our relationship has been me trying to avoid any little screwup either in word or action that would set him over the edge. That if I could just be a better person -- more competent, more capable, more considerate, more calm in the face of turmoil -- that we wouldn't have these issues. Does anyone else experience this? Is there anything I can do with him to ameliorate this situation, or does it need to be done internally?

Hi HappyKJ,

Thanks for your reply and sharing. I’m sorry you are going through this. It sux to put it mildly.

I tried to find your first post...I may be bleary eyed so I didn’t find it.  I’m sorry you are here under the circumstances, but you have found a great place.

The people here are helpful and knowledgeable and will tell you like it is.  I appreciate your support.

You are welcome on this thread any time, truly.  If you have issues of your own, you may want to start a new thread so your concerns don’t get lost in the nonsense that is my current situation.

Again, welcome to stay here, but I want to make sure you get the support you need.

Take care of yourself...I’ll be checking in on you!

[HappyKJ]

Thank you for your response! I just wanted to give an update in case this helps anyone else. After a tense day, we had dinner together last night and he was in a jovial mood, like nothing had happened. Although he nearly had another "episode" over a computer-related issue (not angry at me, just the circumstance), we found a solution and moved on with the night and everything was calm and happy.

This reminded me that moods come and go. Sometimes it seems like a crisis (and maybe to him it does feel like one), but it doesn't need to be my crisis. The best thing I can do in these situations is give him space and do my own thing and remind myself that it will pass.

Also, I had another revelation. When the computer thing came up, he said, "Are you seeing this, too?" It reminded me that most of the time when people are upset, they just want to be validated. This goes for anyone, myself included. Which is why I started visiting this board in the first place!

[once removed]

This reminded me that moods come and go.

in general, this is true.

its why waiting for the next "episode", or trying to avoid it, is fraught. there will always be another episode. you love a difficult person.

at the same time, theres a certain freedom that comes with accepting that. through trial and error, you decide what is moodiness, what is a valid, sincere complaint about his day, or the relationship, or whatever.

I defended myself regarding the vacuum (this always infuriates him and he said I'm "trying to skate out of the issue"), plus it detracts from the more important matter, which is that yes, I make mistakes sometimes as all people do, but how he reacts to a situation is not under my jurisdiction.

I went on to course-correct by sympathizing with how frustrated he must be and making an empathy statement, which helped a little, but he has been in an angry mood for the rest of the day

heres the thing.

in general, his mood is not going to shift depending on what you say. sure; you can make things worse, you can make things a little better, but the solution isnt trying to find the right thing to say to make it all go away.

[HappyKJ]

Hi Once Removed, and thank you for your input. Yes, I agree there is a certain freedom once you realize moods come and go. I guess the same thing goes for finding the right words to say -- I guess there is freedom is knowing I don't have to spend lots of time beating myself up for saying the wrong thing.

That said, do you think there are certain actions to defuse the situation? Or is the best thing just to ride it out and not take anything personally?

[once removed]

That said, do you think there are certain actions to defuse the situation? Or is the best thing just to ride it out and not take anything personally?

i hate to be vague, but these things really depend upon the situation, and the dynamics of your relationship.

you may do either, or both. neither may "work" in the moment, in the sense that a "situation" may not just go away (yes, certainly, you will gain success in deescalating)...think of it all in a bigger picture sense...fire prevention, as opposed to putting out each fire.

the goal really should be to master the tools here, to the point that they are second nature. additionally, to recognize, and curb, some of the more regular methods that dont help (mistakes will be made, but none of us bring the instincts to deal with BPD to the table, and at times tend to make matters worse).

when you achieve that, your instincts get better. you know when things can be deescalated, and the best tool to pull from your tool belt, you know when things have gone past the point of no return. and you see the whole of the relationship trajectory...whether its heading, or still on, on healthy one, and how to keep it that way, in spite of the storms.

does that make sense?

[HappyKJ]

Yes, that makes perfect sense! Thank you.