I feel so alone

[AndieCaro]

I am writing about my husband, whom I've been married to for 26 years. I have been disrespected and emotionally abused since the beginning. I would never have thought of reading about BPD, if it wasn't for my daughter who was recently diagnosed after two hospital stays (one was for three months) over the past year. I have just finished reading a few books on BPD, and realized that my husband may suffer from this as well. My daughter has found the right combination of medication and is undergoing therapy now. After almost one year, she seems to be stabilizing.

My husband, on the other hand, has gone to the emergency ward with anxiety (he says it's asthma when he goes in, but his O2 saturation levels are always fine) on a number of occasions, and the last time it happened they gave him a referral to psychiatry for an assessment. He never went, and I don't think he ever will. He would laugh at even the suggestion that he be evaluated for a disorder, and would say that I'm the one with the problem. During "conversations" he is a master of projecting and gaslighting.

I am worried about myself as I am questioning myself and think maybe he's right and I am the one with the problem. Yet I'm not the one who yells and name calls and accuses. After reading the literature regarding this disorder, I feel guilty that my three daughters were subjected to this treatment and that they were, at different times, subject to the same disrespect and abuse. I, unfortunately, was not always equipped with the knowledge and the tools needed to shield them and myself from his tirades.

I will be calling to see if I can find a therapist that can help me dig out of the place I now find myself in. He is not reasonable and I can't have an "adult " conversation with him. Since I have read about this disorder, I have tried some of the techniques that are recommended to respect my limits in a non-accusatory way. I can only imagine that after 26 years of feeding the monster that it will take a while to turn around.

I have lost hope and I don't know who to turn to for support.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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