feeling like the relationship is coming to an end

[Rosalie]

Hi there,
Reading the post on this site on 'Surviving a breakup with a BPD partner has described the whole scenario of our relationship from the beginning to now so well. He is still living with me at my house and is very unhappy.
I felt enlightened when I saw the post and I believe the advice has come when I needed it desperately. I have become a person I don't want to be, so insecure and feeling that something is really dysfunctional within me. Of course I need to address my issues and regain my emotional health again. However, reading this post helped me to see the whole dynamic of a relationship with someone with BDP. My partner mentioned that he has traits of BDP early in our relationship but I took no notice.

During our initial friendship ( BDP partner) he was just what I desperately needed as I was going through a cancer reappearance where I was slowly becoming very ill. I had numerous hospital trips and felt so alone that I didn't want to go on with life. He was a good friend in those days.
By the grace of God I started focusing on positivity and healing and the power of intention and eventually started on a new immunotherapy drug which erased the cancer from my life. I am very grateful for that. My life is wonderful now except for my relationship.

My friendship with the BDP person became romantic after 6 months although he lived then a few hours away. After he had a very difficult time in his life he came to live with me while he organised a new place to live. It has been a year of stress for him with problems with the building of his house. I feel like I became his carer and supporter during months of depression and lack of money. His mood swings baffled me and his responses to what I though were minor things was very emotional. Sometimes I would wake up in the morning wondering what mood he would be in on that day. Sex also became problematic as he always felt it wasn't quite right.

I have become very insecure and jealous, often irrationally. This is something I am addressing. Because he spends so much time in his room or goes out by himself, I was sure that he was emotionally meeting his needs with another woman. He has friendships with many ex girlfriends which I found hard to take. The relationship has spiraled into something very dysfunctional and distant where any talk is met with resistance and anger. My daughter who has observed him has said to me that he is a person who basically does what he wants and I have to fit in with his agenda.

My confusion surrounds the question   How do you let go of that intense emotional connection that I thought was love? I have never experienced any thing so intense, but then I have never experience anything so distant. It is not like any relationship that I have had before. I constantly am dealing with anxiety and can't go on with this type of life. I made that decision a couple of days ago.

Anyhow thank you for letting me offload my dilemma. In a couple of months he will be moving back to a new home a couple of hours away and I feel it will be the time to slowly gain my clarity, self worth and move away from anxiety. I possibly will want to finish the relationship as, although he has mentioned that he has some traits of BPD , I don't think he will take responsibility for  it or seek therapy.

With gratitude, Rosalie

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[MariannaR]

Hi Rosalie, I'm so sorry to hear of the stress you've been under with your relationship.  It sounds as if you found him at a time where you were very vulnerable and open (as anyone would be) to care and attention, which we all fully deserve.  You sound incredibly strong to have overcome cancer incorporating a positive mindset and intention.  It sounds to me as if you're open, caring, and empathic, and also strong.  When you could be there for him later, when he was going through a rough time, it sounds like he took advantage of that.

I hear your question about how to break an emotional bond.  I experienced all of the same things - insecurity, jealousy. I worried constantly that I had something very wrong with me.  I found in my experience that the intermittent reinforcement (lots of mirroring/attention early on, followed by inconsistency, always lots of other people around, I was her "world" but a day later she's dismissing me and turning to various other people she keeps around).  My experience may not be the same as yours, but I connected with these feelings and from being on this board, it sounds like you are not alone.

My own "trauma bond" is not yet broken but I am heading that way.  Here is something I did.  It may or may not be the right thing for you.  Whenever we'd fight (always unfair, circular, exasperating, devastating) I would consciously and intentionally step outside of myself and ask myself whether I deserved that.  I would journal exactly what happened until I could see and believe I didn't deserve it.  Then I would go do something I loved, by myself (like running or art).  I was more and more able to hold my position calmly and let her "spin up" while I stayed calm. 

How long have you been together in total? Would you be open to therapy even if he doesn't go? 

Wishing you the best, MR