Depressed, frustrated, infuriated

[wantmorepeace]

Overall, I know I am getting better at dealing with this situation, but sometimes -- like the last few days -- it doesn't feel like it. 
I am tired of being brought down when I am having a good day, being poked at and resented for having a decent life, listening to non-stop negativity.  I want more peace and I deserve more peace!

[beatricex]

hi wantmorepeace,
Get it all out, you need to vent that frustration! 

sometimes it feels like two steps backwards and one step forward, I know the feeling.

 

b

[pursuingJoy]

wantmorepeace, giving their opinions less time in my head helps me feel more of the peace and joy I deserve to feel.  Some days are harder and I feel resentment but I keep at it. I know you will too.

I'd love to hear about your good day! You DO deserve to enjoy your accomplishments and the things that are going well!

[Methuen]

Hi wantmorepeace Love the name! 

It's good that you acknowledge that you are getting better at dealing with your pwBPD It also sounds like you hit a bump in the road and are again frustrated with the poking, the negativity, the condescending (if that's the right word), and the hurt. It does wear one down, even when we can recognize that overall we are doing better than we used to. 

I am tired of being brought down when I am having a good day, being poked at and resented for having a decent life, listening to non-stop negativity.

I have a theory I will share.  I think the pwBPD does this when they are getting their desired reaction.  They seem to need drama, chaos, crisis, conflict, whatever we chose to call it.  Drama is their "box".  The way it was once described to me by a T, if life is going along too smoothly, they feel outside of their box, and only get comfortable when they get back inside the drama box (because that is their normal). So if things are going along too smoothly,  they need to create a crisis because that emotional tornado puts them back inside the only box they know.  So when the pwBPD is acting out, throwing darts at you or poking you to poke the bear, it's our reaction that feeds them.  If they get no reaction from us, they don't get what they need, so they will have to go find someone else to poke to get the necessary reaction.  It's true that our reaction isn't the only thing responsible for their behavior, it is so much more complicated than that, but our reaction is one thing we can control.  Once I learned that I could manage my relationship with my mother, at least in part, by managing how I reacted to her "barbs" and bad behavior, my life improved somewhat.  She had to go find someone else to poke and get the reaction she wanted, so she could be back inside her "box".  That's kind of how I learned to look at it, and it has helped me quite a bit.

Meanwhile, when you are worn down like this, take some special time and do some more self-care, whatever that looks like for you.   I am hoping you feel better soon.

[wantmorepeace]

Thank you all so much for your caring replies.  They really made me feel seen and supported.  They also served to remind me that I can feel good that I did not poke her back -- just felt really down when I got off the phone --  and for two days after!  That's not good and I'm trying to figure out how to lessen that, but it's also true that I stayed in control of myself and I should feel good about that.

I was feeling better already this morning, and you are helping me see the sun coming in my windows -- literally and figuratively.  I hope all of you are having a good day. 

[Choosinghope]

Hi! Just want to add in that until recently, I didn't even believe that I deserved peace. I felt guilty for feeling at peace, thinking I should be making sure that my mom is ok before I feel ok. I honestly didn't even understand how tumultuous my life was until having a year away from my uBPDm. I encourage you to seek out peace without any guilt. Just as your pwBPD is responsible for their own feelings, so are you. Embrace those feelings without any FOG or shame. If that means stepping away from your person, that is OK! If that means prioritizing certain things in your life, that is OK! Take care of yourself. 

[madeline7]

In my situation, I don't think my uBPDm deliberately tries to disrupt any time of peace and equilibrium, she is just a crisis oriented dysregulated individual. That is what drives her. Yet she appears deliberate and manipulative at times, and I am learning not to take anything personally. I am exhausted by her behavior, and the enabling by my FOO, and I too, just want peace. The only comfort I take is knowing I am not like her. Trying to be compassionate and considerate, especially during these challenging times with covid. Take care.

[beatricex]

hi madeline7,
I relate, and will say it's the secondary abuse by my FOO that is most disheartning.  My BPD'd mother cannot help herself, deep down, since I was a small child even, I comprehended this.  Why I tried to take care of her and why I'm so independent and don't rely on other people.  The more and more I learn about BPD, I realize it even more.  We must give them a pass, because they can't help it.  But, keep strong boundaries when it comes to abuse (walk away if I have to).

But, what is my FOO's excuse?  I tell my husband this all the time, that I am more angry at my sisters than my Mom.  My Mom is the mentally ill one, what's their excuse?

b

[madeline7]

I recently watched a video by Dr Ramani, she said that when you poison the well, everyone gets sick. That is the reason why my FOO (and me as well but at least I'm trying!) are dysfunctional.

[wantmorepeace]

What is an FOO?

[pursuingJoy]

Family of origin. 

[wantmorepeace]

Thank you.

And "Just want to add in that until recently, I didn't even believe that I deserved peace. I felt guilty for feeling at peace, thinking I should be making sure that my mom is ok before I feel ok."  That really resonates.  I am working to move out of the fear and guilt and make sure I'm ok.