Constant Criticism?

[izzitme]

Hello all,

I am straddling between two groups here today.  I posted in the children group because I had a question about my step daughter but as I was typing and thinking, it is really my husband's behavior that originally brought me here.  Undiagnosed officially; a clinician friend of his told me she suspected BPD with him.  Regardless of a diagnosis, there are traits and they hurt me deeply.

Do any of you with partners of BPD get criticized constantly?  Is this a trait? If so, why. How do I let it not affect me as deeply as it does? The way he criticizes me and constantly tells me how to do life has left me feeling inadequate and doubting myself.  Any advice would help

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[amber8]

What does your husband do or say to criticize you? Is it always a direct insult or does he sort of disguise it as jokes? My husband criticizes me constantly. By the end of the day I can usually count at least 5 times that he insulted me and cut me down in some way, shape, or form. Sometimes he's direct about it and sometimes it's disguised as a joke, a "light-hearted" putdown. He lives in judgemental mode. It's so exhausting. I wish the man would turn it off and relax in life. I don't value his opinion at all anymore. I used to get so sucked into his drama, the wild psychological landscape of his mind, but not anymore.

My husband is not officially diagnosed, but I've always suspected BPD and Narcissism. I don't know if being overly critical is a trait of BPD or not. It's definitely a stable symptom of a narcissist though.

I've found that if I don't care first and fore mostly, don't react, don't get triggered and defensive, it neutralizes whatever game he's trying to play. I'm able to change the subject craftily as if he's a little child. After a few hours he's at it again though. He's diseased. Multiple times a day he has to let me know some way that he thinks I'm inadequate.

My advice besides getting the person out of your life (easier said than done as I'm not sure if or when I could end my marriage), would be to just view him as severely disordered when he makes his critical/judgemental comments. Devalue his opinion permanently unless you agree with it. I know that sounds funny, but it's an effective way to deal with people like that.

You are important. Your opinion is valuable. You own how you do life, and you are clear minded to be confident in your values, ethics, and beliefs. Really be confident and strong in who you are, and don't let a person make you feel like garbage about yourself. So once you master that, it's just even more clear what a disordered person you're dealing with. It's less hurtful than it is just tiring to have that same old storyline going in your life about the disordered and abusive man in your life.

I really want to end my marriage, but the logistics are stopping me. That's a whole other topic.

[izzitme]

Amber8, this is great advice. Seeing him as having a disease can help put a bit of space between my self esteem and his comments.  He directly puts me and my bio, his step children, but his favorite choice is to tell me how to do life. This actually hurts more and sticks with me longer. Tells me how to drive, how to cook, even how to do my career. Last month I called my rx refill hotline and he was standing over me telling me how to do it! I have been on this med 20 years, I know how to refill it! I can't call and order food in front of him because he incessantly whispers that i am doing something wrong. I have family recipes that came over from Italy that he feels would be better if I did x, y, z. That seems innocent but taken collectively, it is just his favorite need for me to be incompetent. I tell him he can do things himself if he is going to micromanage but then i get his loaded put down that everything is on him. It is loaded because the only thing in life he wants is an equal partner and time again he tells me I am not. That hurts. "You are not the very thing I want" is the message. I have twisted and turned myself to be who he wants and I am done with that. He can't handle a partner and equal. He wants to control everything too much. I am curious now if control is a trait. Sorry this is so long.

[Cat Familiar]

My ex husband also liked to emphasize how incompetent I was. I think he derived self worth from putting me down. He criticized my driving, my cooking, etc.

What I’ve learned from a psychologist is that she and many of her colleagues don’t like to distinguish the different manifestations and would prefer to diagnose someone as having a “personality disorder.” She said that disorders can be fluid, showing signs of narcissism, BPD, paranoia, etc. Certainly someone can manifest more of BPD or narcissistic traits, but she didn’t think it was particularly helpful to specify.

We often on this forum see people describing partners who show both NPD and BPD traits. I would guess that control is more of a sign of NPD than BPD.

[formflier]

I'll add to this that my P has said very similar things.  Diagnosis is more for something to bill insurance to (and a broad descriptor).

Over time they figure out that a person has a PD because they are "consistently over there" or "out of bounds", where as most nons are "sometimes" out of bounds.

We all do "it", but most people realize at some point they are off and try to correct.

Best,

FF

[amber8]

Amber8, this is great advice. Seeing him as having a disease can help put a bit of space between my self esteem and his comments.  He directly puts me and my bio, his step children, but his favorite choice is to tell me how to do life. This actually hurts more and sticks with me longer. Tells me how to drive, how to cook, even how to do my career. Last month I called my rx refill hotline and he was standing over me telling me how to do it! I have been on this med 20 years, I know how to refill it! I can't call and order food in front of him because he incessantly whispers that i am doing something wrong. I have family recipes that came over from Italy that he feels would be better if I did x, y, z. That seems innocent but taken collectively, it is just his favorite need for me to be incompetent. I tell him he can do things himself if he is going to micromanage but then i get his loaded put down that everything is on him. It is loaded because the only thing in life he wants is an equal partner and time again he tells me I am not. That hurts. "You are not the very thing I want" is the message. I have twisted and turned myself to be who he wants and I am done with that. He can't handle a partner and equal. He wants to control everything too much. I am curious now if control is a trait. Sorry this is so long.

Yep. Right, like you need to doubt 20 years of experience ordering your rx. Bizarre.
 Sounds exactly like my husband.
What I've learned over the years is that he operates that way regardless of anything I'm actually doing or not doing. He has objectified me, like decided on what he's going to see about me first, before taking into sincere consideration anything I'm actually doing. To a hammer, everything is a nail. Get it? It's a dysfunctional imprint or template in his mind that he is loyal to, that he operates by. So you might as well do what is right for you and live with a clear conscious and with esteem. I used to acquiesce and cower in his presence out of sheer confusion, like how is it that you (he) can "see" that about me when it's not true. The gaslighting. The confusion. At first it destroys you. Until you become the wiser! Seriously! I've done a whole 180 in my relationship. I have mastered the art of simply ignoring him like he didn't even say his OCD-pathological-crazy sh!t. Or if it's abusive, stating for the principle of the matter, that the way he's speaking is inappropriate, not acceptable, and then shift the conversation. Life is so much easier. But you have to first be willing to totally accept that they are diseased and then let the burden go in order to hold any power, be effective, in your response to him. I couldn't do that for years! Because part of me held on to thinking I could help heal him or whatever mumbo jumbo pipe dream that is. Now I see his episodes of crazy behavior as blips in his disordered self. You don't have to 'take it' in the sense that you internalize it letting it hurt you. You are a strong, confident woman with ethics, morals, values, and resolve.

[globalnomad]

Tells me how to drive, how to cook, even how to do my career. Last month I called my rx refill hotline and he was standing over me telling me how to do it! I have been on this med 20 years, I know how to refill it! I can't call and order food in front of him because he incessantly whispers that i am doing something wrong. I have family recipes that came over from Italy that he feels would be better if I did x, y, z. That seems innocent but taken collectively, it is just his favorite need for me to be incompetent.

izzitme - Sadly I can totally relate to this. It's funny you mention the thing about ordering food. My wife does the same thing to me. I live in the US but come from another English speaking country, and I have an accent. Every time I order food on the phone my wife makes fun of me for saying it this way or that way. I've had previous partners do stuff like this in a playful way, but this is different.

Another example: I manage a small team at work. The other day my wife read an email over my shoulder that one of my employees wrote to me. It ended with a smiley face. This triggered a long rant about how my employees mustn't respect me as a manager, etc etc.

I haven't found any great ways to deal with this. One thing a therapist (or was it someone on this board?) once said to me was to imagine it's a bit like a person with Tourett's who can't stop themselves from cursing. Or imagine them saying the same thing in a cartoon or parrot like voice. It doesn't have to be taken personally. This of course is easier said than done!

[fltmchz]

Wow, this sounds so familiar! My wife uses this phrase to me often: "you didn't want to...?". For instance, I'll be watching a tv show, cleaning the kitchen, playing ball with the kids, whatever... and she'll say "you didn't want to watch Other Show?, you didn't want to use the sponge?, you didn't want to ride bikes with them?". She also uses "I thought we talked about...", which is code for "I told you I wanted it done X way". 

This is the hardest aspect of dealing with my wife. She's extremely confident, but she also sees things in black and white. Therefore, she tends to (very strongly) feel that her way is THE right way, and those who disagree are idiots, despicable, etc.  Occasionally I'll defend my actions, which is usually met with complete dismissiveness or anger followed by "fine, do it your way. I don't even care anymore". 

And then there's the fall-out - the "everything is ruined" response. Something wasn't done or didn't go exactly as she thought it should go, so the day, the house, the car, everything we own, the relationship, etc... is ruined.

With each of these instances, she's back to normal quickly, but it takes me some time to recover. It feels like death by a thousand cuts and it's exhausting!