Running out of Patience

[Milkshake]

Hi there, I have been in a 24yr relationship. My partner has just recently been diagnosed with BPD, NPD & Bi Polar. I am currently reading 'Stop walking on egg Shells (3rd Edition) & I have learnt so much in such a short time. My childhood was traumatic & life hadn't been easy after a work-related injury 22yrs ago. I got through those hurdles & although I am now disabled, it has not stopped me making goals & going back to work. I find work has now become my escape from my partners constant rollercoaster he has me on. I have recently been put back on Prozac after a 17yr break off them for chronic depression due to my partners erratic behaviour. Understanding his illness is definitely key indeed & makes so much sense, but I'm not sure if I'm strong enough or mentally if I can endure anymore now having a more understanding. We are both in therapy but he's very much in denial & defiant. We are very much sexually connected & alot of love remains. I'm realising now I can't change his thought patterns, I'm seeing the change is going to have to come from me. I had already changed because of his behaviour but now I need to learn to change my ways once again to understand & avoid his triggers. I'm exhausted. I would love to hear from others in similar situations & how they get through a partner that can't hear what you are saying to them & also if they use your brain to have directions & answers for them. "I don't know" is not acceptable to him. How do you deal with these demanding questions? Is there hope for better?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[EyesUp]

Hello Milkshake.

I've been with my W for ~25 years, married for 14.  Like you, the diagnosis only recently came into focus and "Eggshells" and many other resources listed here have been eye opening and helpful. A common refrain is "I wish I had known sooner..." or "I wish I had read this long ago..."

While many of us have a great deal in common, I believe that everyone is different.

There are no magic bullets or shortcuts.  You are one step ahead if you recognize that you can only change (or control) yourself.

For me, it took a while to recognize the importance of the control dynamic.  Watch for comments on codependency here and in the literature, and consider carefully when you are managing yourself vs. attempting to manage your partner.  This has been important for me, your situation may be different.

You're fortunate to have positives in your relationship - if you can build on the intimacy aspect, it could be helpful.

In my case, it's taken about 6 months to begin to recognize my wife for who she truly is, to understand what I can and cannot do to support her, and to begin to consider what this means for our kids and our future. I am fortunate in that there is no physical violence, but there are many high risk behaviors that are cause for concern, which lead me to carefully consider day to day interactions in a new way.

You might find that it's helpful to try to breakdown how you think about your partner and your relationship in smaller bites - consider how to get through the day, or the week first - practice this - then consider what you need in the long term to be healthy.

Other forum participants with much deeper experience have provided me with understanding and frameworks to consider my situation - it's been helpful - so keep reading, and remember to take care of yourself.

Wishing the best for you as you navigate forward.

[Cat Familiar]

What are some of the issues that are most problematic for you? How would you describe the “roller coaster”?

What behaviors are troubling? Do you have any concerns about domestic violence?

Only you can know if you want to continue in this relationship. You’ve had a number of years of knowing him and his behavior prior to diagnosis.

With what you’ll learn here, some relationships can be made considerably better. I’ve been married to two husbands with BPD/NPD and I’m very happy in my current marriage. I wouldn’t have been able to see this as a possibility when I joined this group six years ago.

On the other hand, even if I had the tools I now have, I don’t think I could have salvaged my first marriage. He was too extreme with his dysfunctional behaviors.

[Milkshake]

Hello Cat familiar,
My reply was not meant to post privately, I accidentally pushed the wrong button. To add to my last post, my partner is currently showing me that he is getting the help he needs even though he still doesn't recognise he act's out. What he has noticed lately that his brain isn't obsorbing information like he used to & forgetting the most simplest of things, he's recognising it now. I am noticing the confusion in him & he's making comments about it. I think the help of me reading 'Stop walking on egg Shells' helps me to keep calm & not to react, in return is helping him to stay calm & he's starting to see his own flaws. He has now booked to see a Psychiatrist which is the very first step, physiology is helping me but not him. I know in my heart I can't give up on him while he's made such a massive move, but I am struggling with the reality of his brain not seeing or understanding what we consider is normal behaviour. I struggle with believing in his words even down to normal conversations. I know they say they believe what they say is real but my brain knows point blank it's either a straight out lie or false. I find it difficult to conversate in this type of manner knowing it's wrong, but I have learnt not to correct him as that creates an outburst, fully understanding now I'm only confusing his mind with what is the truth or real. He has told me before he's a born liar & has the devil in his head then pleading me to help him, so I started doing that, but a part of me wonders whether I'm being manipulated so I don't leave, as I've noriced I've still had to push him to keep taking his antidepressants until he sees the Psychiatrist. I am also mentally struggling with the fact of not to take the verbal abuse personal, which I find most difficult because it strips away my deep love I once felt & leaves me feeling like I don't want to be touched at all. I believed what he said to me so much & each time believed in my heart that the roller-coaster ride had stopped, only to be disappointed & back on that same ride again. While reading this book I am noticing the change in myself where I am not feeling that interpersonal relationship & I don't want to feel that with him. The one bond that I felt was the most sacred & precious thing to me, I think is helping me to let that go. Like I've always been told "You can't live on sex alone" I really do hope I can find the answers in my own head.

[PearlsBefore]

I can't offer help on most of it, but a few comments spring to mind.

I learned from the Family Connections DBT programme devised by M. Linehan that depression and PTSD are actually common for people living with someone who has BPD. That was a relief - since I'd been diagnosed with both depression and PTSD and no "outsiders" professionals ever understood its origin, preferring instead to assume something akin to "Oh but you lived through that big earthquake that was in the news, that must be the root of your PTSD", etc. How do you politely say "No, it has more to do with the fact I was trapped in a elevator for two days with the person who had tried to kill me before the earthquake, and tried to kill me again in the elevator a couple of times". So the fact you are struggling with depression as a result of this lengthy relationship is definitely understandable, in fact it may even be "normal". (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79772 says that an informal poll of the site showed more than 60% of members here had moderate to severe depression)

Secondly, "the devil in his head" caught my attention simply because my major dBPD used to be quite convinced that she was demonically possessed and would show me articles about how mental health woes used to be, or still are in some circles, considered to be tied closely to claims of demonic possession. In a response I would never recommend in hindsight, I tended to dismiss her as "No, you're not possessed and you're not sick, you're just a selfish and destructive person - grow up and improve yourself". (Yeah, that doesn't help, as every  person here except me probably could've foreseen)

Thirdly, crazy in the head certainly can lead to crazy in bed, eh? Sexual compatibility does tend to cover a multitude of warning signs and misdeeds it seems; I'd like to think it's permanent, but in my only personal experience...her "crazy in the head" ended up killing the buzz of "crazy in bed".

Finally, as I'm sure you're already aware, you've got your hands full because while folks will tell you "Oh, DBT will quickly handle his [X] since he has BPD"...when he's got comorbid NPD, Bipolar and Depression...that will be a heck of a time figuring out which symptoms are attributable to which issues and thus can be treated in such ways. Because ultimately it's going to make a difference to efforts to take to debunk his delusions/fantasies/hallucinations whether they're caused by X or Y. Best of luck, thoughts and prayers to you!