Hey!
My ex (a 15 year old female, quiet borderline, diagnosed & untreated) blocked me everywhere (less than a week ago) after some particular events. We were on a long distance relationship for 8 months.
Before talking about this last breakup, I think it's relevant to point out she had already proposed breaking up, a few months ago, after we had a discussion on which I defended that it's possible for a racist to be a good person. I had told her that's possible as long as the racist person didn't do any harm to society, and did good things such as donating to charity, etc. However, she defended that racists were always horrible people no matter what. On this discussion (in fact, when we discussed it was always like this) there was no name-calling. No threats. No offenses. Nothing of the such. We focused 100% on stating our arguments. After the debate, she said that she had to leave for a while, and when she came back she told me she wanted to breakup. I asked her if it was because of our discussion, and she responded no. She said it was because she was an immature person who wasn't ready for a relationship, and that she appreciated me a lot and everything we did together but just couldn't go on with it anymore, and that she would be saving me from further pain by going away.
Well, I didn't accept that (was I wrong here?) and told her that if she didn't want to continue the relationship, that's because she was unsatisfied with something that I was doing, or there was a problem we didn't discuss before. And if she was unsatisfied with something, she should tell me what that is and we should try to solve the problem before she just leaves. She insisted that I wasn't the problem, but that she was.
[Note: What I told her was just a reminder of an agreement we had made before, several times. What I mean by this is that *almost everyday*, before we went to sleep, I told her "remember, if you're unsatisfied with something, communicate it transparently so we can try to solve the problem together before breaking up." And she would always tell me there're no problems, and that I should do the same to her if I intended to breakup.] This made me feel secure that she wouldn't just abruptly end the relationship out of nowhere and just disappear.
After insisting that she didn't have a strong argument to leave the relationship, she decided to stay. But I still didn't think that things were alright, since she wanted to leave before. So I asked her "listen, you wanted to leave before. Are there problems you're holding back? I need you to be transparent about your dissatisfactions, so we see together if we can do something about them, and then we can have a healthy relationship". Well, she just responded that she was having a "borderline crisis" at that moment and that I shouldn't be worried about it. I eventually accepted this response of hers and just reminded her it's important to be transparent on a relationship. And I told her to promise me (again) she would engage into problem solving with me before ending the relationship. She happily agreed to this.
A few months go by, and we come to the actual breakup event. Before getting into details, I think it's important to mention that she. did. not. complain. about. anything. during. this. period. Not a single word about dissatisfactions, about what we should improve, about what I was doing wrong. Nothing. Well, the following sequence of events led her to breaking up with me:
She had called me to watch a video with her. It was a video of a feminist complaining about the abuse she had suffered on the hands of other men, and advising men to rethink their masculinity. After the video ended, my ex asked me what was my opinion on the video. I told her I empathize with that woman's suffering, but I didn't agree with the idea that most men are bad (my ex had defended this idea before we were dating, and dropped it after I asked her for evidence such as statistics. She was stubborn to drop it, and went as far as to say "I do confess it's a bad idea because it doesn't have statistics, but I still believe on it. It's a bad idea which I believe in." Well, after insisting that this idea lacked logic, she dropped it).
Back to the video event: after I told her I didn't agree with the idea that most men are bad, she said things which resembled this idea, but didn't explicitly say it. I kept sending a bunch of texts defending why that generalization was unfounded. Well, I was a bit annoyed by the unclarity of her position, and told her "listen, do you think that most men are bad? If you think so, let's breakup then".
I know that's wrong. I immediately changed my mind and told her we didn't have to breakup because of that, but she responded she wanted to breakup anyway, and that there would be no turning back this time. I asked her why she wanted to breakup, and she gave a bunch of reasons.
She said she didn't feel comfortable to express herself, because (according to her) I would get angry if she did. She said she stopped talking to people because I disliked them. She said she couldn't talk to/about other boys, because I would get enraged. She said I get angry when she refuses to spend time with me. And that she was just gonna block me everywhere. She had sent all of this on a single text. So, she was determined to block me everywhere instantly, so I told her "wait a second, let me send you one last text". She responded "go on".
On this last text of mine I just asked her to clarify each one of the accusations she was making there. Because I swear to God, she never complained about anything to me. She never stated her needs on the relationship. And there're accusations she made which simply don't seem to make sense at all. She told me she stopped talking to people that I dislike. But I didn't dislike anyone? I didn't dislike her friends, I never told her I disliked someone she had contact with. I never called her names for talking to other people, I never threatened her, I never told her to stop talking to people. I *never* tried to control anything that she did, and I could've done that since she gave me the password of her account (which I never accessed either).
But each time I was jealous, I told her that I was jealous. I read on several websites tips on how to deal with jealousy on relationships, and I found a common tip there: Be open to your partner about your jealousy. Talk to him/her about it. And so I did, and each time I felt jealous I would tell my ex that I was feeling jealous but that she didn't have to cut contact with anyone. And I told her I would get less jealous (and this happened) over time. In fact, weeks before we broke up, she told me I had improved a lot in terms of jealousy. I made it clear to her that she could talk to whoever she wanted.
So, I put this on the text. I told her she could have any friends she wanted. I told her I never impeded her of having contact with anyone. I told her to be more specific on her claim (and not only on that claim) that I get angry over she refusing to spend time with me, because I don't recall being angry about that at all. I told her to clarify each of her statements (told her to pick examples, since our texts are saved on our chat, she could just put the words there on the historic search), because we had never discussed any of that before and in fact I didn't even know she was having those problems. I told her that maybe she misunderstood some emotion of mine, since we practically only spoke by texting, and texts are easy to be misunderstood. What did she do? She read my message, didn't respond to any point I made, and just blocked me everywhere.
Now, I'm seriously confused about what happened there. Was I automatically devalued after I proposed the breakup, even though I changed my mind immediately? Did she split me black because of the discussion about most men being bad? Do quiet borderlines have a problem with communicating dissatisfaction on a relationship? Did she mistakenly think I was enraged on the moments I told her I was jealous? Are borderlines prone to misinterpreting "emotions on texts"?
It's worth noting that she did stop talking to a bunch of people after we started dating. But I didn't ask her to do any of that. In fact, days before we broke up, I had realized how she isolated herself (especially from male friends) and I told her that she could have male friends, and that I would never stop her at all from having them. I felt the necessity of telling this to her at that point, because I was afraid she was isolating herself because of me. Well, she responded "if you were prohibiting me from talking to male friends, I would have broken up with you long ago". That message of hers put me into a state of full tranquility that day, because after reading it I thought "well, good, she isn't isolating herself because of me then."
I reminded her of this conversation we had, on that last text before the block, and I had even asked her if she wanted me to pick the messages we'd exchanged there.
She felt smothered throughout our relationship, right? But considering I had never called her names, I had never threatened her nor any of the such, wouldn't it have been fair if she just told me she was longing for more communication with others? I made it 100% clear on my last text that she could talk to whoever she wanted, and that if I felt jealous, that would be natural but she wouldn't need to cease contact with anyone because of it. Or really, would it have been a better decision of mine if I just pretended to not be jealous at all? Isn't transparency of feelings good, after all?
She was also very reluctant to engage on philosophical discussions, which made me eventually cease discussing philosophical questions with her. Are borderlines prone to taking those discussions personally, even if there's no name calling/offenses/ad hom on the debate?
If she was feeling smothered, why didn't she open up to me about it, so we could fix problems together? Does her condition make her prone to not opening up, to not communicating problems with transparency?
As soon as I started dating her, I had made a research on what borderline is about. Most articles were describing traditional borderlines (I only learned the difference between traditional borderlines and quiet borderlines after the breakup), so I thought it would be perfect if I was open about my jealousy to her, since (I presumed) she would not be afraid of being abandoned if I did so. And I'm sure I expressed myself on a healthy way, by always making sure I was not restricting anything that she did, nor name-calling her or attacking her because of that. In fact, she blocked me, but didn't block her ex (she was still into him before I appeared) that she dated in 2019, a guy that made use of abusive language and was emotionally avoidant.
What's the logic? And I would still go back with her if she texted me again (I think I made that clear to her).
Thanks for the attention. I know there're many questions, I don't demand an answer to all of them... otherwise it would be just exhaustive. But is there just a bit of light on this entire mess? Thanks a lot.
