Making small talk

[mssalty]

One of the more frustrating aspects of my relationship is that it’s very tough to simply have a chat about nothing.  Simple conversations that are merely exchanges of observations can turn on the dime. 

It’s tough to explain the types of exchanges, but they tend to go like this. 

THEM: States something about their day that happened. 

ME:  Comments about that something, offers my own personal observation about a similar event or other things that are on my mind related to it. 

THEM:  Says my something has nothing to do with their something, is wrong, etc.   

ME:  (Out loud) Tries to explain what I meant in more detail.   (Internal monologue) Wait, I am just trying to further a conversation by saying words.  I have no stake in any of this.

THEM:  That’s not true at all. 

ME:  (Doesn’t respond, but thinks silently) It shouldn’t be this hard to make small talk.  Defending myself is expending energy I don’t want to waste, so let me walk off and be upset that I can’t have a normal conversation with a person I love that will waste energy.   

It’s frustrating to feel like someone thinks you’re negating their position when you’re just trying to have a conversation about something. Suddenly a low stakes pleasantry goes off on a tangent that you don’t even understand and you’re energy gets sucked out by an argument you don’t remember starting.   

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Naughty Nibbler]

It’s tough to explain the types of exchanges, but they tend to go like this.  

THEM: States something about their day that happened.  

ME:  Comments about that something, offers my own personal observation about a similar event or other things that are on my mind related to it.  

Hi Mssalty:
This has to be frustrating for you.  Most people enjoy casual small talk about their day and an opportunity to do a little venting, without walking on egg shells and worrying about whether their partner feels totally validated or not (or totally heard).

I'm thinking your partner may feel invalidated, when they feel they didn't have time to say what they wanted to say on a given subject, before they felt it turned to being more about you than them.

Most more normal people just let it slide.  Can you think about some times when you talk to a friend, perhaps on the phone.  The friend may not be good at listening, at least on a given day.  You tell part of your story, but weren't able to get your most significant point in, because the friend interjected their own version of the story and you didn't finish your own.

Most of us,  just let the situation slide.  If getting in our point is important to us, we tactfully circle back the conversation to get our point in.  Your partner isn't able to do that and may never be able to.

Others might have better input.  I'm thinking you may always need to monitor your listening skills and do more listening before adding your own experience. Maybe even saying something like, "May I share my experience with a similar situation?" It's egg shell walking, but you may have to radically accept it with your partner, and get your validation from other or within.

[maxsterling]

I know what you are speaking of, 100%.

My solution?  I don't have these conversations, or expect to.  My W just simply does not like it when I add my own experiences, even if she asks for them.  90% of the time she will say they are irrelevant and become agitated by them.  Later, she will complain that I never converse with her.

It's not just me she has this issue with.  It is with friends, co-workers, other family too. 

Sometimes (10% of the time) I can gauge my Ws mood and we can have a decent conversation about some topic.   

The invalidation as the reason for this seems to fit.  I think W feels invalidated because she feels like her issue is not being heard because it is being compared to another.  To her, her situation feels VERY unique and important, and if others bring in their issues, it feels like they are diminishing her issue.  But if you focus on her issue, she gets exhausted by it, and will suddenly not want to talk about it anymore.  You really need to be an expert on keeping the conversation in a positive direction.  And even experts have this issue with my W.  She exhausts her therapists and has derailed group therapy over this.

Sometimes I can craft a validating statement at the beginning of the conversation (in the first time you reply) and then move forward.  Doesn't always work - depends on her mood.

[Cat Familiar]

Even though my husband and I get along very well most of the time, I too experience some of these moments.

Often this happens when I recount an experience that was meaningful to me that happened before we got together. Most emotionally healthy people can riff on something like that, either making a comment or telling a similar personal anecdote.

In my husband’s case, the response is silence. Dead silence.

It used to upset me, but now I think he’s either unequipped to respond, not knowing what to say, or that he’s having some emotional reaction to what I’ve said. In the first case, it’s as if he doesn’t understand the need for a social response, and in the second case, he’s beginning to have uncomfortable emotions.

Now I seldom talk about these things with him, knowing that it will make for uncomfortable silence, which is unfortunate, since it limits the depth and breadth of the relationship, but it causes less opportunity for the conversation to devolve into an unpleasant direction.

[Cat Familiar]

Though it seems the burden of listening falls on the “non” partner and sometimes it feels that all we do is try to be on our best behavior, suppress any negativity and listen intently to our partners, we can always improve our abilities.  This is a good article about listening with empathy

[TheOneYouKnow]

My SO has difficulty and gets agitated when I try to 'make small talk' and ask him about his day. It's very unusual to me. He will get agitated for the following reasons- he says his day was uneventful. He also feels like I'm digging for information on him. I have tried to explain that I care about him and am genuinely interested in hearing about his day. He rarely asks about my day. I don't know, sometimes dating someone with BPD is really challenging and doesn't make much sense (to me).

[Goosey]

Conversation became impossible by the end of my relationship.
I actually would ask for ground rules allowing me to speak when she was done. I recall her saying I could speak but “she wouldn’t be listening”.  I retrospect I know I did everything wrong. This was before I read “stop walking on eggshells” and really did not know the extent of the situation. 
   Max’s’ comment about invalidation seems spot on. And that way of listening seems like the correct way. It is exhausting though.