Too much responsibility for the kids

[truthdevotee]

Part of the pattern that has played out with my pwBPD over the years is in relation to the children. She complains of exhaustion on a daily basis (and indeed, she is exhausted due to emotional turmoil). Due to my lack of boundaries and enmeshment with her, I was unable to handle it well. I've ended up caretaking, taking on too much responsibility, and experiencing high-levels of stress trying to balance looking after the boys and simultaneously performing as best I can in my career.

The thing is, her levels of depression and exhaustion ARE an issue, making her less capable of strong childcare. I've taken on responsibility for this on an inner level, stepping up by looking after the boys as much as possible and trying to give them a fulfilling life.

My pwBPD has healthy values in terms of the outdoors and desiring the same for the children. The problem is only her quite frequent drops into BPD behavior. She'll run for days on EXTREMELY high-stress. Then she crashes, things are peaceful for a while, until she's triggered again and BOOM, another cycle. It's especially during those cycles that things get extremely difficult with childcare.

Over the years, I've proposed in all manner of ways other solutions, such as babysitting, paying for a nanny, paying for private playgroups, etc. My pwBPD puts up obstacles in every direction. She disallows anybody to enter our home, because she finds the idea of germs, viruses and dirt too painful. And so... the only solutions has been dependency on ME. And I've been unable to say no. Knowing my soft spot for the quality of the boys care, she uses it to manipulate me. She complains of pain in her body, headaches, etc. I'm sure all of this is true, but I'm not sure how much hypochondria is involved.

This is another maze I need to escape, I guess with the same tools I'm learning to escape the issue with my FOO.

The more responsibility I get at work, the more she needs to manage on her own. Granted, it is a hard job with those two boys - 3 years old and 2 2 years old sweet little monkeys! They're a bundle of joy and extremely energetic; anybody would get tired. I get tired a lot. Add to the fact that my pwBPD isn't good at setting boundaries with them (i.e. it's ironic that she's soft as mush with them and as tough as nails with me), and so she's walked over by them. Additionally, she isn't strong physically. And so, I've had this male protective instinct to pick up the heavy load even though it's been too much of a burden and the impact of my quality of work.

Just over one year ago, in absolute overwhelm, I asked my psychiatrist for state sick leave. I was off work for three months before finding a new job in another company closer to home. It's been a miracle and a blessing. But the same pattern with my pwBPD continues... being on lockdown doesn't help; the fact that she has me at home all the time means a lot of interuptions to my work day...

Especially if I get a new job, which might happen, I need to ensure in advance that this pattern doesn't continue. I presume the only thing I can do, if she refuses any other solutions, is to leave her in difficult situations with the boys. Come September, however, our youngest might start school, which will give her time for recovery... but then there are other challenges, like when the boys get sick and she needs to be at home with them alone (currently there is a lot of pressure I stay at home with her in these cases).

Overall, she's supportive of my job as she knows its our only source of income. But I still allow myself to feel guilty for her job with the boys, which I need to stop.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[truthdevotee]

Example, just now:

"Can you help [our son]? He is tired. Crying. For you. Come to help him"

[Notwendy]

While there may be several issues, I would suggest slowing down and focusing on one to start. You are already dealing with the reaction to you wanting to call your family. Change takes time and also work on your part. Trying something else when you are still dealing with the family issue and your wife is reacting to that is stressful. Trying to add another change in the middle of this may be counterproductive.

[maxsterling]

Wow, I had a big long reply that I lost.  I can say, I relate to this 100%.

Add in that W then complains of me not getting things done around the house, such as hanging a picture.  I spend 99.9% of my time taking care of her, the kids, work, or basic bodily needs.  My only free time is if everyone falls asleep early and I stay up.  Or if W rages at me, I am out of the house for a few hours. 

The funny thing is she does manage while I am gone.  But if I tell her I need time to mow the lawn, etc, she is asking me after 15 minutes when I will be done, and then complaining about it.

Being in the office helps, but even then I am being bugged to come home mid afternoon. 

Only suggestion here is to do what you need for yourself, and let her manage.  I need to do the same. 

[Cat Familiar]

The repeating pattern here is that the person with BPD will get away with whatever behavior we tolerate. Saying “No” is always an option, but often it’s something that we are hesitant to do because we dread the consequences: anger, acting out behavior, extinction bursts.

By not saying no and asserting our boundaries, we teach them that we will tolerate almost unbelievable amounts of abuse, neediness, irresponsibility, selfishness, thoughtlessness, etc.

Taking one’s power back is an important step for us. We can discover that our seemingly helpless pwBPD can be quite capable after all. Yes, it can be unpleasant to assert ourselves after appeasing them for so long, but really is it sustainable to constantly jump through hoops and wear ourselves out in the futile hope that they won’t get angry with us?

[truthdevotee]

While there may be several issues, I would suggest slowing down and focusing on one to start. You are already dealing with the reaction to you wanting to call your family. Change takes time and also work on your part. Trying something else when you are still dealing with the family issue and your wife is reacting to that is stressful. Trying to add another change in the middle of this may be counterproductive.

Thank you Notwendy. I agree, I need to take things slowly here. I won't make any changes yet. In September, my youngest (2 year old) will likely start playgroup once or twice per week, slowly building up. This will provide relief for my pwBPD with the natural physical exhaustion that is probably a component of this situation. Although I'm aware of an imbalance, it feels right to keep up the general level of support until September... in the meantime, I can work on this family situation.

[truthdevotee]

Wow, I had a big long reply that I lost.  I can say, I relate to this 100%.

Add in that W then complains of me not getting things done around the house, such as hanging a picture.  I spend 99.9% of my time taking care of her, the kids, work, or basic bodily needs.  My only free time is if everyone falls asleep early and I stay up.  Or if W rages at me, I am out of the house for a few hours. 

Hi maxsterling

Yeah, I experience the same with the complaints about my lack of support... for me too, the only alone time is at night when everyone's fallen asleep.

Being in the office helps, but even then I am being bugged to come home mid afternoon. 

Me too

Only suggestion here is to do what you need for yourself, and let her manage.  I need to do the same. 

Thanks.. yeah I've slowly learned to allow myself time to rest here and there throughout my working day. Closing eyes, listening to music, or going for a brief walk outside is important. I get highly absorbed by my work and so I have to push myself to take these small breaks.

Thanks for sharing

[truthdevotee]

The repeating pattern here is that the person with BPD will get away with whatever behavior we tolerate. Saying “No” is always an option, but often it’s something that we are hesitant to do because we dread the consequences: anger, acting out behavior, extinction bursts.

By not saying no and asserting our boundaries, we teach them that we will tolerate almost unbelievable amounts of abuse, neediness, irresponsibility, selfishness, thoughtlessness, etc.

Taking one’s power back is an important step for us. We can discover that our seemingly helpless pwBPD can be quite capable after all. Yes, it can be unpleasant to assert ourselves after appeasing them for so long, but really is it sustainable to constantly jump through hoops and wear ourselves out in the futile hope that they won’t get angry with us?

Thanks Cat Familiar,

Yeah... no more jumping through hoops now and trying to prove myself. I don't need to take anything personally. Learning so much from the Eggshells book and from all of the helpful replies here.

[truthdevotee]

Today via text message, I set a new boundary/limitation.

The history is that my pwBPD asserted I should never "correct" her in front of the children, as this shows a disunified front. That's true, but I'm learning about the shades of grey right now. And I disagree with her in some contexts, in which I would WELCOME her to correct me in front of the children if I am doing something unhealthy, using it as an opportunity to self-reflect and teach the boys about right and wrong.

I wrote her the following message and from now on, I'll stick to it, regardless of whether she approves of it or not (this has always been my mistake in the past - rarely doing anything unless she approves). Now I'm learning about her condition and the dynamics, it's my responsibility the children grow up as best as possible and learn from the environment they grow up in. I wrote the message in a way recommended by the Eggshells book (such a great book), so as not to cause unnecessary resistance:

Hello my love. Every good parent like you and me can get overwhelmed sometimes. I know we both feel exhausted sometimes. It's normal to get angry and impatient. I know we both also agree that we desire the healthiest atmosphere for the boys development. Therefore, don't take my comment about being angry incorrectly, it's normal to be angry, just we both need to be careful how that anger gets expressed, avoiding all falling into rage, shouting, hitting, etc. We both don't want this. In my view this is just as important between each other because we are the models for the boys future relationships. Therefore is important that if either of us is acting out anger in unhealthy ways, that in front of the children, we tell the children that the anger is fine, but the acting out is not fine i. E. Shouting, name calling, etc. You have every right, in front of the kids, to tell them daddy is wrong when he acts out negatively. Likewise, I have every right to do the same in front of the kids, if and when I'm on the receiving end of you acting out anger negatively. This is the only way to teach them, in the midst of the anger, that it is not OK, it is not their fault, it is not about them, and they should not allow it for themselves. This is highly important, otherwise they will develop shame based personalities

Through this message I've asserted my right to correct her in front of the children.

Hitting in general hasn't been an issue. She's hit me on three or four occasions in the past, and throw items at my once or twice. Also she cut a beautiful painting with scissors and stuffed tissue paper in my mouth (I completely submitted to it as being the man, that seemed like the right thing to do at the time (several years ago).

Hitting hasn't happened for a long time, but three weeks ago, she was agitated after a day out at the weekend. She was blaming me for the quality of the trip. When we got home, our youngest, 2 year old, was playing with a toy that she had given him and asked him not to break. Of course, he broke it. I was in the other room with my other son, and I heard a loud slap. She had hit him for breaking it (bare in mind, this item is probably about 3 USD - extremely cheap and not hard to find in the shops).

Nothing like this has ever happened before. I never thought it could happen. But I read in Eggshells last night that such incidents should be taken extremely seriously. So I need to have in the back of my mind that it could happen again. Especially as the children get older and stronger, and she may start receiving more backlash from them.

She's extremely extremely hyperfocussed on cleanliness. It's tough to watch because of the stress any spillage causes, or any damages. I'm starting to see the anxiousness this causes the boys. I agree they should be taught to handle things mindfully, but they're so little, and my older boy might have ADHD, which might make these things naturally more difficult for him. I'm seeing a pattern now that when something "bad" happens the boys will run to me and try to hide it from their mum.

Open to any feedback about my message to my W and also any responses to any of the content written here. Thanks for reading

[Notwendy]

Maybe some long term perspective will help. While self care is important and you don't want to burn out- you taking on "too much" responsibility for the children could very well be essential to their well being.

I say "too much" as this idea is relative to your wife, but it's not to your children. How can a child have "too much" of a stable parenting?

My questions is- if a verbal agreement between you and your wife about her behavior actually worked, I think you would not have the issues you do have. I think it's great you are reading and learning and trying things, but when it comes to a boundary- that's on you and how you react. Telling her her behavior is out of line in the moment is probably less effective than just removing the kids when it is.

You have a wife who hits a small child for accidentally breaking an inexpensive toy, hits you, stuffs papers in your mouth. The kids run to you when they are scared. Well good- at least they have someone to run to.

My dad took on the bulk of the parenting and also hired sitters. One difference is that my mother didn't seem to mind the sitters, in fact, she prefered it. When we were young, on weekends, it was basically Dad and the kids. My mother stayed home alone.

Although the Karpman triangle drama was an influence on my relationship with my father when I had boundaries with my mother as an adult, he was a good father and did the best he could for us with the situation he had. There's a silver lining to this -- the parent who does the parenting is the one who forms the parent- child bond. I think you can see this if your children run to you when they are scared. I was attached to my father and I credit him for the good he did for us.

Children will naturally love a parent, even an abusive one. But along with this, we grew up terrified of my mother and terrified of her moods. However, I did bond with my father and I have wonderful memories of the times we spent as kids- he would take us to the park, or the zoo, or the movies and they are happy memories and I realize that our well being as children depended on him being a relatively stable parent.

It may seem tiring and unfair at the moment, but children aren't little forever. They grow up and become more independent and spend more time at school and with friends. Your part as a parent might not ever be "fair" relative to your wife, but perhaps it's better for your children to not look at it that way. In the long run, these small moments become the basis for the relationship you have with them. I was more attached to my father than my mother. I think this would have happened whether or not they stayed together as the relationship with a child depends on the parent's emotional capacity and I think my mother had her own feelings to deal with. If you are the more emotionally stable parent then, how can they have "too much" of that?

[truthdevotee]

Thanks Notwendy.
I agree, the stability of a parent's love is vital for them. This has been the primary motivator for me to not work full hours in my job. Fortunately, due to starting a new job just before COVID-19 hit, I have been working from home all this time in the new job and they haven't noticed my lack of hours. I have struggled with it as I have high expectations of myself when it comes to work and with limited hours to work it's been tough. But I told myself children are number 1. I feel my pwBPD has used this fact to her advantage though. She complains so often and I have empathy how hard it must be for her - as it has been for me (ADHD/OCD) - with mental health condition. Yet I sense that small aches and pains and tiredness can be magnified into serious issues, that if I don't jump up and respond to immediately, I'm accused of carelessness, selfishness, not caring for the children, etc. So it's been tough to balance my career with the kids... but ultimately it's all been for the good. I just get frustrated that pwBPD doesn't do anything to help herself. she has often stayed inside the house all day unless I come up and help her get our youngest dressed and ready to go outside.

I see how she tries though and she's genuinely exhausted. I also notice her deep love for the kids and genuine desire to create a loving atmosphere. She does bring them joy in the ways she can. It frustrates me that she's not more active and going outside, but other than that I know she spends quality time with the boys... UNLESS she's splitting.

So i was really surprised about when she hit our youngest. I generally trust her with the boys unless she's triggered by something I've said or done... in that case, her rules completely change and she can't "see" them, she can't see what her rages do to their energy. And she deliberately ignores them to get back at me. She uses her rage, blames me for her rage, and blames me for impacting the children. This is just absolutely crazy and horrible to see when it happens, which has been often.

Since I see myself as a young boy in my boys, I empathize deeply with them - the pain of seeing my own parents fighting was tremendous.

I may have gone off track here...

I think I'll try to start getting my 8 hours a day as often as possible. Because I believe she can do it, I just gotta not be guilt tripped by her aches and pains, her tiredness, etc. It's endless... and it's everyday... and I'm sure she DOES feel badly, but I'm kind of "saving" her at the expense of performing in my job. And she refuses all help - she disallows anybody into our home. She doesn't believe in babysitting or nannies or people to help clean the house... so there's no solution but relying on me.

She often calls me if our littlest is crying. I'm sure she does it on purpose to cry to guilt trip me for not being present at home - even though I'm doing something we NEED - earning money! I guess the best I can do in those situations is not run home but refuse to talk on the phone, and tell her all of her focus should be on our littlest.

So yeah... slowly but surely, taking the steps to regain my freedom, from calling family to putting on the washing machine without her permission.