Morning with a pwBPD

[rum2020]

After two hits of the snooze button, first thing my husband says to me

"It's all your fault"
Me groggily "What is"
"Everything, everything is your fault"
"Um, No"
"Why not?"
"Because"

*pause* humidifier bubbles

"Shut up bubbles, don't back talk"
Dog yawns and stretches "You, too, don't backtalk"

Me being quiet trying to have some peace before the alarm goes off again
Him: "Is it Friday yet?"
"No"
"Why?"
"Because that is not how days work"
Him mumbling something about how if we speed things up then somehow he will finally have the day he wants, me not awake enough to try and follow his ramble. Trying not to think it doesn't matter what day it is, you still won't like what day it is.

Him: "You sound wide awake"
"I'm not" though realizing I should just get up now and start this day and try not to regret working from home today.

The rage outbursts are the worst, because you don't know who they are, or what they are capable of, and you wonder if you are all alone and not really in a relationship. But it's the everyday paper cuts, the everyday blaming, judging, need for attention, and negative thinking, that wears you down to a dull point of the amazing caring person you used to be.

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[formflier]

Are most mornings like this?

Best,

FF

[khibomsis]

I hear you rum2020! I had to train my expwBPD to let me wake up in my own time, else I would have strangled her with time. I told her sleep deprivation was a form of domestic violence and threatened to call 911 one night. With time I learnt to validate my way out of dysregulations in my sleep,  and indeed that is no quality of life.

There were times I made it through by sheer stubbornness, saying in my head :" you shall not have the power to trigger me". With sleep, of course, it is impossible, once awake I struggle to go back to sleep again.

Is hubby aware that he is not normal? Does he have any desire to change?

Thank God it is Friday tomorrow!
 

[bpdgourmand]

You have to laugh at the absurd bits sometimes, I think.  Thank you for sharing this.

I think the hardest part of these things is rectifying how the nonsensical stuff came from the adult who, in many other situations, seems perfectly rational. 

My wife is highly intelligent, and at times seems like the most rational person you could meet. She often takes on the "voice of reason" role with members of her family of origin. 

So then, out-of-context, the tales of her many paranoias, religious conversions, changes in sexual identity, etc., sound completely off-the-wall, and out of character.  Bad soap opera writing is what comes to mind.

It's been hard to explain, (until I got a good therapist, that is,) how I could experience these things, and eventually write them off, and continue to see her as a person whose opinion I respect (at the right times.)

--

If it helps at all, one of my first and few exercises in boundary setting, which has been more-or-less successful, has been about mornings.   I actually started this policy before I came here or knew anything about what I am dealing with.

We have a deal now:  I will brook no questions, abuse, nor drama, until I've had coffee.  Usually, no matter how groggy I am, I can manage to blurt out the associated mantra,  "Coffee is a human right!" ...and that's all I will say or do until caffeine can get my prefrontal cortex online.  That statement, in and of itself, has been enough to get her to laugh out loud and drop some anxiety-based freakouts immediately.   Other times, it gets me a free, hand-delivered big mug of coffee in bed if she's determined to light me up first thing.

I suck at boundaries, but this one was relatively easy. Hope that helps. J

[Cjais]

After two hits of the snooze button, first thing my husband says to me

"It's all your fault"
Me groggily "What is"
"Everything, everything is your fault"
"Um, No"
"Why not?"
"Because"

*pause* humidifier bubbles

"Shut up bubbles, don't back talk"
Dog yawns and stretches "You, too, don't backtalk"

Me being quiet trying to have some peace before the alarm goes off again
Him: "Is it Friday yet?"
"No"
"Why?"
"Because that is not how days work"
Him mumbling something about how if we speed things up then somehow he will finally have the day he wants, me not awake enough to try and follow his ramble. Trying not to think it doesn't matter what day it is, you still won't like what day it is.

Him: "You sound wide awake"
"I'm not" though realizing I should just get up now and start this day and try not to regret working from home today.

The rage outbursts are the worst, because you don't know who they are, or what they are capable of, and you wonder if you are all alone and not really in a relationship. But it's the everyday paper cuts, the everyday blaming, judging, need for attention, and negative thinking, that wears you down to a dull point of the amazing caring person you used to be.

I could have written this myself! It’s exactly right! It is the every day paper cuts that make it so draining. Being blamed for everything.

I was contacted by my exwBPD today, he wanted to devalue me even more because his sister had read out some text messages between me and her where I was explaining to her the information I had been researching about BPD in order to give him support and encourage him to get the right help. Those message where never meant to be shown to him and I could have told her that it will automatically put him straight on the defensive start having a go at me.

I stayed very calm, tried my best to use SET for the first time. I also asked him why he felt the need to tell people their perceived faults? At first, he avoided the question by saying “we all have faults darling”.  I responded with “yes I know, we do all have faults, every one of us, you included, but that wasn’t the question”. I asked the question again.  His response “because my brain tell me mine 50+ times each and every day”. When I responded to that, he changed the subject to try and put it all back on to me.

After a while of back and forth of me staying calm and trying to validate his feelings without validating the invalid, he sends me this: “ Remember that I know exactly who and what you are. I unlike you do not need to portray yourself to others to try to show myself to others with an agenda as befits my purpose in life. You can lie to yourself and your family and friends because of  prior events but it takes a person to know a person and with the person that I am and the things that I regularly go through, sees explicitly through you and you know that. Please just leave me alone and stop your barrage of messages. I am long done with such and no longer wish to ascertain your need to propenciate your life struggles to those that you can make listen! (Terry) because they feel like they let you down.”

It’s that last sentence. He doesn’t realise it, but I think what he’s truly feeling is that he had let me down, because he has treated me in a similar way to how my ex did.

Take what you want from that, but by showing you this, I’m hoping it will help you with your partner, in order to look for those little signs that he gives you, that tells you what he’s really thinking and feeling.

[rum2020]

Most morning are not like this, thankfully. bpdgourmand I like your mantra, I suck at boundaries too, but now that I have started therapy myself I am hoping to make some strides at it. But still it is hard, dealing with so much non-nonsensical stuff. Though I don't proclaim to know what is "normal". I kinda think any of us who have been with a pwBPD for a length of time need a checklist for what should be normal so we don't go too far down the rabbit hole. Khibomsis he is high functioning so I don't think he thinks anything is wrong with him, per se. Though as someone with BPD he loves thinking there is something wrong with everyone else. I think after my therapy session next week I am going to forward him this link and see where that conversation goes. https://freeandconnected.com/criticism-in-marriage-relationships-2-2/

If he doesn't seem to get it and at least want to try a bit on his side, then I know there's probably no point for me to keep trying.

[maxsterling]

The rage outbursts are the worst, because you don't know who they are, or what they are capable of, and you wonder if you are all alone and not really in a relationship. But it's the everyday paper cuts, the everyday blaming, judging, need for attention, and negative thinking, that wears you down to a dull point of the amazing caring person you used to be.

With rages, the emotions are clearly there.  You can leave, stay elsewhere, they boil over, and it forces you to take action.  It's like if your car breaks down and strands you the road.  You have to take action now.

The daily stuff is like the check engine light coming on.  You car still drives.  It's annoying, but you don't have to take your car in immediately. 

I'm realizing that the daily sarcastic comments, negative attitudes, and passive aggressive  behavior wears me down much more over the long term than the rages.