My boyfriend has BPD

[sunflowergirl05]

I am in a relationship with a man who just started therapy and is self diagnosed with BPD. He believes the therapist will diagnose him with more sessions as well. He checks off all of the signs, he idolized me at the beginning, making me believe I was the one and we were soulmates. We quickly moved in together, after 3 months and we signed a 12 month lease. I started noticing issues he had, he became suicidal at one point, ready to move away at another, made fights out of absolutely meaningless topics/concerns I would bring up. After he told me he thought he may have BPD I started becoming more informed on it and now more understanding. He’s said some very hurtful things to me, and last weekend (he started therapy this past Monday) he had a blow up at me over nothing. Since then he’s been distant, made me feel very insecure, told me he “sometimes” thought I was attractive after I asked, but keeps telling me he wants to make it work and he is committed and invested in this. I’ve met his family, took a road trip with him that was amazing. I have anxiety, and I feel like things are not right. But I am afraid that if I bring it up and ask why things feel different or why he seems more distant, that he will blow up. I am seeking therapy for myself as well starting next week. But I am confused on what to do. In the past when we’ve gotten in a big fight he’s texted other women and my own insecurities from being cheated on in the past sometimes come out and I wonder if he’s doing the same thing or if it’s just my fears. I’ve started listening to stop walking on eggshells because that’s how I feel. I just would like some advice. I love the man to pieces and I want this to work and to continue with the plan we had for our life, but things seem off. I know it’s great that he started therapy, but he did tell me after his first therapy session that I’m order to be sure of anything he has to question everything and I feel like he’s questioning our relationship now.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

These relationships are difficult and personality disorders are lifelong. That said, improvement can be made if an individual is committed to therapy.

As a partner, having strong boundaries is essential and having a thick skin certainly helps. Seeking therapy on your own would be beneficial, as even therapists who have difficult BPD clients will do therapy. Keep posting more about what specific issues you’re dealing with.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

https://bpdfamily.com/content/characteristics-healthy-relationships

[Rev]

Hi and welcome.

Just wanting to say hello - and to say we are here for you.  

I echo what Cat is saying - strong boundaries themselve are important. Sometimes the the things we need to do to stay healthy can seem counter intuitive and selfish. And that's why reaching out here is important and perhaps only one part of your journey.

Like any relationship that carries challenges outside the norm, yours will have its particular points that really those who get it will not necessarily be people in your immediate circle.  You may find getting your own counselling and/or therapy (two different things) helpful to not getting worn down.

So again, welcome.

Rev

[once removed]

last weekend (he started therapy this past Monday) he had a blow up at me over nothing.

what happened?

[sunflowergirl05]

He’s been looking st houses to buy because we had planned on moving together next year (something I wanted to do prior to him and he had the same goal prior to me) and we had talked about how I was ok with being about 3.5 hours from my family (we would be 1.45 from his) but no more than that. And he pushed it to 4/4.5 hours and I told him I wasn’t sure about that and he freaked out and said that I was trying to make everything about myself and that he would buy a house wherever he wanted. That I was trying to control him etc.

[Naughty Nibbler]

We quickly moved in together, after 3 months and we signed a 12 month lease.

I believe you mentioned in another thread, that you are 6 months into the relationship. So, looks like you have 9 more months on the lease?

What would be the situation, with buying property?  Would he buy it on his own, or would you be co-investors? (both named on a loan)

Since then he’s been distant, made me feel very insecure, told me he “sometimes” thought I was attractive after I asked,   

Sounds like you have been devalued.  It's not pleasant to have to fish for compliments.

  I am seeking therapy for myself as well, starting next week. But I am confused on what to do.

I love the man to pieces and I want this to work and to continue with the plan we had for our life, but things seem off. I know it’s great that he started therapy, but he did tell me after his first therapy session that In order to be sure of anything he has to question everything and I feel like he’s questioning our relationship now.   

It's wise to follow your intuition.  Good to hear that you are starting therapy.  I'm thinking that his plan to "question everything" could be a good plan for you, during your own therapy.

What you see is what you get.  When someone shows you who they are, believe them.  Your boyfriend is in the very early stages of exploring BPD.  It will be a lifetime challenge for him and those around him.

This is the time to dig deep in your own therapy.  Things are easy, during the times he idolizes you and has you up on that pedestal. A person can get addicted to that, but can you take the other side of the coin on an ongoing basis?

Would he be a good father?  In answering this, you have to be realistic and include how he acts and treats people, during his devaluing periods.  In most situations, people with BPD don't make good parents.  Minimally, they are emotionally immature, and many are verbally abusive and poor role models.  Some can impact the mental health of their children for a lifetime.

So, dig deep yourself, in your own therapy.  Why are you in the relationship? Why did you move in together so soon?  Are you co-dependent? (a people pleaser) Do you have what it takes to stay in a relationship with someone with BPD or with just several BPD traits. Just having multiple BPD traits (without the minimum # for the diagnosis), can be as bad or almost as bad as someone with an official diagnosis.

There could be various outcomes from his therapy.  He might not pursue therapy for long.  If the therapist is good and he is forced to face some of his issues, he may want to escape from therapy. He may decide he want's to leave the relationship.  It could be good for you to discuss that during your own therapy and talk about what you might do.  Co-dependent people often want to hang on, thinking they have to keep the relationship going, at all costs.  Might that be you?

[sunflowergirl05]

Yes 9 more on the lease. He would buy on his own, I would be moving in with him and buy the next property when we “needed the extra room, aka kids.”

I am aware of the devaluing but what does this mean for our relationship? I often hear it’s going towards discard.

I think I may be co dependent. When he started his BPD exploration I told him I’d be here for him and patient and kind throughout his therapy and healing. That I knew it would be rough but that I would be here as long as he wanted to continue and be committed to the relationship. He says he is committed and invested but he’s very mean and just lately. Today he got upset with me because I said “we should get flowers before tour mom comes to town” and told me that I needed to keep my thoughts to myself and that I was being “possessive and controlling” over his conversations and time. When he doesn’t want to engage. He told me I was exhausting. He told me he doesn’t know if he likes me anymore and He’s going to therapy to find that out. I told him that he acts like he doesn’t like me and that my existence annoys him, that he couldn’t speak to me that way because it was straight up mean. I said if you want to break up we can and I won’t hold it against you or be upset I want you to be happy and he said no that were not broken up. This is so confusing. All of it. I don’t want to keep the relationship going st all costs, I think that I just hold on because the switch was so quick that I want the person that I fell in love with to come back and hope for it. All of this recent abusive behavior has came forth the last week, and it’s never good anymore. He said today that it’s emotional abuse and he is aware of it, without me mentioning it whatsoever. If it’s a behavior that he’s aware of why keep doing it?

[Naughty Nibbler]

    Today he got upset with me because I said “we should get flowers before tour mom comes to town” and told me that I needed to keep my thoughts to myself and that I was being “possessive and controlling” over his conversations and time. When he doesn’t want to engage. He told me I was exhausting. He told me he doesn’t know if he likes me anymore and He’s going to therapy to find that out. I told him that he acts like he doesn’t like me and that my existence annoys him, that he couldn’t speak to me that way because it was straight up mean.

People with BPD or certain BPD traits, like to blame others.  Many times they project the things that they actually do onto someone else.  i.e. He is actually the controlling one, but he calls you controlling.

I wasn't sure who's mom your wanted to buy flowers for.  If it's for both mom's, one way to have approached the situation would have been to say something like: "I'm going out to buy some flowers for my mom.  Do you want me to pick up some for your mom?  You can go with me, if you like."

You already received some good suggested links to read up on some BPD issues & strategy.  A couple of stragegies that can be helpful right away are:

1.  DON'T INVALIDATE FEELINGS:  You don't want to agree with something that is invalid (when it comes to facts), but it's important to NOT invalidate someone's feelings by word, expression or body language.  It's okay to just not say anything or react. There is a link to a lesson about "Don't Invalidate" from the "Tool Bar", within the green band at the top of the page.

2.  DON'T JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain).  Try to steer clear of this.  Some times you just need to avoid debate and wait to discuss important things, when someone is more approachable.

3.  TRY TO USE "I" STATEMENTS - NOT "YOU" STATEMENTS: i.e. "I feel ______ when ________.  What I'd like is _________

For instance:  I feel angry, when things are said about me that aren't true.  I'd like us to be able to discuss things calmly.

4.  TRY USING SET STATEMENTS (Support, Empathy, Truth): i.e. I know you are having a hard time right now.  I want to support you in healthy ways, but, it seems that whatever I do, I annoy you.