BPD Partners and Neuroticism

[grumpydonut]

Hi all,

I've been on this board for over a year now, and there have been two things I believe I have noticed.

#1 Partners of those with BPD seem to be highly neurotic
#2 Partners of those with BPD seem to be highly analytical

It's not uncommon for people to write 1,000s of words to analyse and describe their situation to even the finest detail (and that's not a criticism, but it seems common among us all). It seems rather cruel that we have personalities that need to understand every little detail, yet date people who make no sense. Very ironic.

Would you say this fits your personality? I am wondering why these sorts of personalities are attracted to people with BPD. Does anyone have any thoughts or insights?

[Ventak]

First off... I love your name

I am definitely very analytical, but I'm also on the autism spectrum and always thought it stemmed from that.

How do you define neurotic?  As I understand the medical definition, it has to do with being easily stressed or upset which I would not label myself.  Doing a google search I found a site that listed 16 characteristics of which I would self label only 2 of them...  I do have many faults and issues.. but they don't quite seem to fit that particular label.  Co-dependent characteristics are more in line with my mental problems, I tend to match around 1/3 to 1/2 of those...

From my research, Caretakers and NPD tend to be the personality types that match well with pwBPD.  I suspect this forum is mostly caretakers though.  Caretakers often come from families with one or both parents NPD or BPD, with the other parent either the reverse of those or a caretaker.  So they will definitely have some trauma from youth to deal with which could explain your neurotic evaluation.

If I were to guess, the people that post most frequently are the analyzers.  The dataset would then be skewed as the non-analyzers sit back and observe.

Interesting post, I hope to learn from others.

[Turkish]

This is a great question. It's said that we bond with our emotional similars. This can be confusing given the conflict we experience. I think it goes deeper, such as said here in this thread (worth reading the entire thing)

6.  We were in some kind of substance recovery, and the BPD felt like a "substance" within us... .gave us the high that a person used to get from the substance.

7.  We felt comfortable in the chaos, as we came from difficult Families of Origins.

8.  We had a weak self-esteem in some respect, and the initial adoration of the BPD/NPD type made us feel special.

A very senior member here said something like "all roads lead to FOO." Family of origin. Having been here for a while, I don't feel that this applies to 100%, but I do think most of us.

What's familiar is comfortable, even with drama, and you don't know what you don't know. There are outliers, but most here seem to have a history of relationships with "difficult" people.

I'm #2.

My mother also revealed to me when I was 17 that she suffered from depression, as she was having an epic breakdown.

When I was over 40, she told me that she had been in therapy when I was a child for PTSD, and then admitted to me that she had BPD... after arm-chair diagnosing the mother of my children as being BPD. My mom was a registered nurse.

Suddenly, my life... explained.

I didn't know what I didn't know... then I did.

[grumpydonut]

Really interesting, Turkish.

I always knew something wasn't quite right with my childhood, I just didn't know what. Then it occured to me that seeing my Mum's boyfriend put another man over a balcony with a knife to his throat probably wasn't something a 7 year old should ever see. And my Mum then staying with that man probably isn't normal...

[grumpydonut]

Hey Ventak,

Those 16 traits that you read re. Neurotic are probably pretty close to the definition. Basically, very self critical, internalise alot, easily depressed.

[Couper]

I am wondering why these sorts of personalities are attracted to people with BPD.

I'm not attracted to mine in the least.  It was a bait-and-switch and she is a fraud.  If all of this had been clear up front, I would have kicked her to the curb and moved on before getting married.  I'm no enabler and I see the term "co-dependency" discussed quite a lot, don't have a complete understanding of it, but as foreign as all those scenarios seem to me, I'd have to say it doesn't apply in my case. 

All of the, "I have trust issues.  I have issues with sex.  I have anxiety problems."  Negative negative negative and it was all saved up for after "I do" but I know now existed well before that, so she concealed everything out of fear of running me off.  She's a narcissistic emotional predator. 

[TheBatHammer]

Interesting observation. I don't think I'm the neurotic one. I'm considerably more laid back, don't sweat small stuff, calmer in a crisis, but definitely highly analytical as a rule. Was an investigator and still do a lot of it for a career.
 
In a positive sense, I think it has to do with being more interested in the complexity of people, the grayer areas, in understanding people and their experiences, etc. That leads to some rationalization, unfortunately, and being very forgiving of others' flaws and mistakes.

I think most people tend to see what's on the surface, or make decisions based on a few dealbreakers. And anything outside their scope of "normal" is rejected as "too hard". Sort of an easy to impose boundary, in my experience. And maybe that's healthier, certainly would be easier.

I've been trying to figure out what any of this has to do with my family of origin. Mom had depression, but I was never a caretaker. My parents had a stable, loving relationship with few issues. My dad was a bit passive, but not in a codependent sense, more of a quiet rock. My mom's parents, on the other hand...there's a history of dysfunction and codependence there for the parents and several of the kids, and I was exposed to some raging from my grandmother at a young age, but only once. Still, that may well have had something to do with it.

[B53]

Hindsight is 20/20.
I know what you are saying, but I don’t think neurotic is really the correct word. We weren’t neurotic to start with, we may have been turned into it.

I would say feeling comfortable in the chaos fits. Though  even as a child I was never comfortable with it, it just felt familiar. Codependency and caretaking has been part of my past. I am a preschool teacher, which is a caretaking profession, that requires empathy. I have done a lot of personal work on myself in the past and was at a good place in my life when I met him. Like others have said, they can hide it well. It took a long time before he sucked me in, but once he finally did, it was all over for me. It was so slow that I didn’t see it coming and so familiar to my childhood dysfunction it became harder and harder to maintain that healthy person I was. After enough gaslighting, it’s hard to know what is real and what isn’t. It would confuse the sanest of people. No one would believe what these people are capable of, unless you have lived it.

I am also be very analytical.

[grumpydonut]

All very good insights.

[Turkish]

Really interesting, Turkish.

I always knew something wasn't quite right with my childhood, I just didn't know what. Then it occured to me that seeing my Mum's boyfriend put another man over a balcony with a knife to his throat probably wasn't something a 7 year old should ever see. And my Mum then staying with that man probably isn't normal...

Yeah, that ain't normal... *sigh*

When you're ready, members over on the PSI Board would welcome you. I ventured over there after about a year here.

People with Rescuer/Caretaker tend to end up here, though that's not everybody.

My therapist said that there's nothing wrong with being a Rescuer or Caretaker. Like B53 says, it can be a good thing. My T said he was a Rescuer.

True codependency, to a clinical level, is a high bar, but members can lean that way. We can over analyze ourselves.

Good discussion.

[Sappho11]

About neuroticism, what B53 said... we weren't neurotic before, but certainly were ground down. I haven't had an easy life by any stretch of the imagination, but I've always managed to deal with everything -- until my ex came along. Gaslighting, projection etc. can undermine even the most solid foundations of self and agency.

About an analytical nature... I'd wager that while you're correct insofar as many people who post on this board may have this trait, it isn't a conclusive indication of the general population. Message boards are simply a platform for folks who are inherently analytical and prefer the long form. So it's probably the nature of this site, rather than the nature of the illness, that attracts analytical people.

Though, based on nothing but my hunch, I will agree that people who like to problem-solve might be more likely to engage in these relationships, and for longer. We see them as a challenge and stick around, where other people would have thrown in the towel long ago in the face of these relations being too complicated.