No need to apologise for posting. We're all here to talk
Your post is very relatable. Like you, I had a good childhood during the formative years (0-6). The following years were rough but I got through everything without lasting trauma.
Like you, I was drawn to my BPDex for his beauty. And what's more – the fact that he found me beautiful, too. I simply couldn't believe it. I'd always felt unattractive, ugly even by today's standards of beauty – women always seemed to agree, though there were always men with what I can only deem a peculiar taste.
Then my ex came along – a kouros incarnate. An ideally chiselled physique, a luscious head of hair, the most magnificent face I'd ever seen, with a kind of old-fashioned, raw masculine beauty. All that, coupled not with bravado and arrogance, but with a shy and tender demeanour. It would have been almost impossible not to fall in love.
After we got together, I opened up to him about my insecurities about my appearance. He jumped up and exclaimed: "What! How do I say this without exaggerating... when I first met you, I thought you were the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen in person." (Oh, the allure of the idealisation phase.)
The strange thing was... after a short while, it was as if his beauty had rubbed off on me. I looked into the mirror and suddenly saw the beautiful woman he was seeing. It was most striking when we were standing next to one another. We just
fit and seemed to make each other better.
After he left me for the second time, I felt like a complete failure as a woman. The beauty he had brought out in me left with him.
Here's the curious part though – actually one of the things his acquaintance inadvertently taught me and which I am forever grateful for:
I once lauded his nose and chin, and joked that I'd even written about these features in my diary a long time ago because I'd found them so remarkably beautiful.
And you know what? He couldn't believe it. "My
nose? My
chin? I've always hated those about myself! My nose is too big, and I've always felt that my chin disfigured my entire face." Of course, this couldn't have been further from the truth. It turned out he had a myriad of insecurities, too, and couldn't believe he had "landed" me. Neither of us had originally thought we'd have a chance with the other.
He, too, started to look at himself differently when we were together.
Alas, it wasn't enough.
The point I'm trying to make here is:
Whatever feature you're struggling with, be it personality- or lookswise, or something else – there's probably someone out there who thinks it's exquisitely beautiful. Other people often don't see us the way we see ourselves. Most of the time, they are a lot less strict. Sometimes, they even love our flaws.
It is my hope that I will one day meet someone who'll feel the same way about me as I feel about him – just someone
without a personality disorder. And I hope you can, too.
