Bad Day (venting)

[IntoTheWind]

It's been months and I still think of her, we had a holiday booked together in a month, it would've been "perfect". I don't know how she was able to just completely remove me from her life so well. Our relationship went downhill so quickly and shockingly. I'm still a bit in disbelief, I climb out and into acceptance and a more positive outlook and keep getting knocked back down. Little things bring her back, the furniture in my apartment that we bought, that we planned to keep for when we moved in. I found a picture of us together in my car today, it was from when I took her to the hospital on New Years Day. I still want to reach out and rest my hand on her neck to reduce her anxiety when I'm driving around. I went to the dentist the other day, she was my referral. I drive past the local dr's surgery, she's still my emergency contact.

I try to tell myself it wasn't real love. I guess some people are just able to "fall out of love" or compartmentalize, or not love at all. I understand it's likely because of her diagnosis, but the gut wrenching feeling is still there.

I feel scammed. Like I had it all and it dissolved into nothing, and that I should've "done things differently". All of this is insane, I know it is. It's part of the game, she's just wired differently. 50% vulnerable, loving, fun and innocent, 50% cold, manipulative, argumentative, depressed, distant. All in, or all out. I endured the trainwreck hoping to get through to the other side the "promised lands" and all that happened was my mental health deteriorated and I became as unstable as her.

I heard someone put it like this: "She was drowning, you reached out to save her, and she pulled you into the water with her". This is how it feels, and now that I'm in the water, she swam away and now I'm alone. I feel like I caught her illness, her feelings of emptiness and shame/guilt.

I've been incredibly lucky with my ex partners, they were all really genuine and loving humans. I thought inside everyone was this genuine person, and that people just had hard times or had a hard outer shell, that's what kept me going - the feeling of "breaking through" to the person inside. I didn't love those genuine people half as much as I loved her. She brought me to a really weak point where I needed her the most, and then she left.

I know it would've never worked out well rationally, but I don't know this emotionally. The only option is to continue self work, distract myself and keep going, but the void/wounds that have been left by this are still there and they still get the better of me every couple of days. I pushed her away hard at the end because it was becoming unbearable, even though I loved her. Hoping for better days soon.



 

[Woolspinner2000]

It definitely does take time, IntoTheWind.

If this were a broken bone, for example, you would know an approximate normal time for healing. Not so with emotional healing. We can't "see" the wounds, but we sure do feel them. Different things will trigger the memories and pain over again. It's very similar to the death of a loved one. We go through stages of grief after the death, and the breaking up of a relationship is quite similar.

Keep doing the healing things that you are.

 
Wools

[poppy2]

Hey IntotheWind,

I appreciate that you had the courage to articulate these feelings. It's hard because it's kind of a mix of anger (how did I get into this situation) and powerlessness (I have no control over these feelings but I still feel them.) I can relate very strongly to two things you say, about being left at your weakest point, and about you rationally knowing something but not emotionally.

I think one way of looking at it is differentiation... the situations, triggers, reminders, are all there, but next to them are new situations, different inputs, new days. Moving back and forth between the new and the old. That's the only strategy that has really helped me with this 'void', as well as the longing for contact and recognition I feel sometimes (which she is totally incapable of ever giving me).

Maybe it's so emotionally hard to come to terms with because there is somebody or some experience that lives on in your head, and it just doesn't match up to the reality that you know is true. I really do think that there is a future day where this person just doesn't have the same pull anymore, that's what I hope for. Kind of like the broken bone metaphor - the bicycle accident years ago you don't think of anymore.

But it definitely sucks and venting helps to get it out. Good luck today

[Ad Meliora]

It's been months and I still think of her, we had a holiday booked together in a month, it would've been "perfect".

Do you really think so ITW?  This woman who cut you down, called you names, never laughed at your jokes and locked herself in a cupboard when you said the slightest thing wrong?  That woman? A "perfect" holiday?  Forgive me if I'm not convinced.

I think you've been working hard on being your best self.  Why not take a break for the weekend?  Don't be so hard on yourself for 48 hours or so.  Pick up the thinking about it and self-work on Monday.  You have my permission to relax.

If you feel like doing some active mending why not just do it in bursts of 20 minutes or so, like a cold compress on a sprain.  I'd see it more like this for emotional pain, if you feel sad about your BPDex why not take 20 minutes to cry.  I mean really, really cry--bawl.  In a place where you can be alone and feel comfortable, of course.  If you feel angry, why not get really angry for 10-20 minutes.  Hit a heavy bag, scream into a pillow, or into the forest or something.  Start with the mantra: "I can't believe that f-ing b did this,  her!"  Get the poison out, don't let it fester.

How about a dose of Schadenfeude from me if that helps.  I'm in my late 40's, run my own business, have 2 degrees, was married, spent hours in meditation, am a Master Gardener, and still, still, I was brought to my knees by a woman with BPD.  14 months out now, still got her programs running in the back of my brain (much less so, thankfully).

I can fix just about anything if I know how it is supposed to work.  If you took apart my lawn mower engine and left it in pieces in my backyard, I could probably have it together and running in few hours.  But people aren't like that are they?  You can't cut them up and put the pieces back together and expect everything to work fine now can you?

You seem like a smart guy, a caring guy, a logical guy.  None of those things would be of value to your BPDex, but all of those things can help you be that best version of your self.