Does "No" Mean "Convince Me"?

[AlwaysMean]

So much happened last night I can't even recall everything. My brother is in skilled nursing facility and my siblings and I had meeting over fb video chat planning of how we are take turns driving my brother to appointments. During this meeting boyfriend was making sexual gestures out of sight where only I could see him. I could tell immediately afterward this was leading to a borderline episode.

I asked for hug and I got a pat on the back. My boyfriend began telling me about his thoughts about my conversation with siblings. As I listened, I looked around the room then it happened he cracked. He began to go off about how I don't give him the same respect as I do to everyone else (jelousy over my siblings). He said that I need to show him that I am listening and not looking everywhere else. I assured him I was listening, repeated what he said to me, and apologized if he felt this way. He couldn't stop himself.

I asked him to stop harassing me. He turned it on me, next he said he didn't feel comfortable which mean I was harassing him. So, I apologized then said,  "I don't mean to harass you, I will leave the room so you feel comfortable." He left me alone for about ten minutes and started to beg me to drive to the store and get him a beer. My boyfriend believes it was the least I can do for him. (When ever there is an argument he needs some little task done for him before we move on).

At this point I asked to be left alone. I went into my den. Where I was left alone for ten more minutes. I was watching news on my Ipad when he came in. He asked what I was doing. I told him watching news. Which was replied with, "Are doing anything to hurt me on the ipad?" "How do I know you are not doing anything to hurt me?" Once again as always I replied, "I am not doing anything to hurt you" and also brought up the fact that he has my password to the ipad and I am not allowed to have my own fb account, I am not allowed to have a cellphone and nor do I have friends anymore. The conversation switched to... "come in the living room and sit with me."

I kept thanking him for the invite and said that I wasn't ready yet and that I wanted more time. He would not take "NO" for answer. Even when I said "no" straight out. He pushed and pushed for 30 minutes of what he calls "begging" for me to sit by him and say nothing.  This is the part I can't get passed right now... How can someone keep this up and use emotional tones until you stop saying 'No"?

In the end, I am wanting to know if anyone has techniques for getting passed the harassment and asserting your own "No"? Thanks

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[formflier]

Ugg...wow, there is a lot here.


I'd like to understand more about your decision to remind him of all the control over your life that you have given to him?  What was your intention in choosing to remind him of this? 

Did it have the desired effect?

Best,

FF

[AlwaysMean]

I'd like to understand more about your decision to remind him of all the control over your life that you have given to him?  What was your intention in choosing to remind him of this? 

Did it have the desired effect?

Like they say it took time to get to where are right now. It was a slow isolation. I know giving him what he wanted was bad idea. He would never give up a situation until I surrendered a behavior. It feels almost sociopathic the way I have to owe something every time there is an argument. I think the reason why I remind him of all the isolation is to keep it in the open that I am not capable of cheating with my limited resources. It still isn't enough and I feel fed up with trying to please him. It's hard to have endurance with someone who can keep up an argument well into the next day with no sleep arguing constantly and the same time holds you super accountable for taking a time out.

[formflier]

  I think the reason why I remind him of all the isolation is to keep it in the open that I am not capable of cheating with my limited resources. 

Have the facts mattered in other arguments/discussions?  This one?

Maybe expand the question.  Have the facts mattered in a positive or negative way...or no effect either way?

Best,

FF

[AlwaysMean]

The facts have not mattered. I get a blank stare and then usually followed up with a question like "What did you do to hurt me?"  "How can I trust you" or something to that effect...

[formflier]

The facts have not mattered. 

An important nugget of wisdom.  How do you plan on using it?

Best,

FF

[AlwaysMean]

Logic is not listened to... And action wise... it's not about what you are physically going to commit to, it's what you are emotionally going to commit to... Thanks, A mind blowing thought today.

[formflier]

Logic is not listened to... And action wise... it's not about what you are physically going to commit to, it's what you are emotionally going to commit to... Thanks, A mind blowing thought today.

That's accurate and I would also like to expand on this.

It's not that he doesn't "listen" to logic.  The problem he has/the problem in your relationship is NOT one of lack of logical speech and thought.

The problem most likely is an inability to regulate very VERY VERY intense emotions and/or emotions that change very rapidly.

So...here is your first big assignment.

Take some time and re-write this last "encounter".  Focus on his emotions...vice facts and logic.

Best,

FF

[AlwaysMean]

So much happened last night I can't even recall everything. My brother is in skilled nursing facility and between the sibling we had a meeting over fb video chat planning of how we are take turns driving my brother to appointments.
During this meeting pwBPD was making sexual gestures out of sight where only I could see him. I assume that he was getting jealous of my family time. Which to him, I feel, means let me grab his attention back because he does not talk this much with me (Anytime I talk with anyone he gets upset(I am with him contently, How do I talk about something new?). I could tell immediately afterward this was leading to a borderline episode.

I asked for hug and I got a pat on the back (He usually does this when he feels I do not deserve anything at the moment but he also wants to be catered to. I imagine he feels frustrated being that he knows how my reaction will be but also know that he is always right and the only one that can be right).
My boyfriend began telling me about his thoughts about my conversation with siblings. As I listened, I looked around the room then it happened he cracked. He began to go off about how I don't give him the same respect as I do to everyone else (jelousy over my siblings). He said that I need to show him that I am listening and not looking everywhere else. I assured him I was listening, repeated what he said to me, and apologized if he felt this way. He couldn't stop himself. (I feel that he must have been feeling extremely irritated by not having his personal expectations met, of what listener is supposed to look like.)

I asked him to stop harassing me. He turned it on me, next he said he didn't feel comfortable which means I was harassing him. So, I apologized then said,  "I don't mean to harass you, I will leave the room so you feel comfortable." He left me alone for about ten minutes and started to beg me to drive to the store and get him a beer. My boyfriend believes it was the least I can do for him. (Whenever there is an argument he needs some little task done for him before we move on) (he was probly feels more at ease when something is given to because it’s like saying “he does care” that and he says “I need you to do something that shows me you care)(Since when is caring fetching beer? Or making a run to the store to buy a beer?).

At this point I asked to be left alone. I went into my den. Where I was left alone for ten more minutes. I was watching news on my Ipad when he came in. He asked what I was doing. I told him watching news. Which was replied with, "Are doing anything to hurt me on the ipad?" "How do I know you are not doing anything to hurt me?"
Once again as always I replied, "I am not doing anything to hurt you" and also brought up the fact that he has my password to the ipad and I am not allowed to have my own fb account  and multiple apps, I am not allowed to have a cellphone and nor do I have friends anymore. The conversation switched to... "come in the living room and sit with me." (This must have been satisfying for him to hear me say things that he ordered me to do.(programming)

I kept thanking him for the invite and said that I wasn't ready yet and that I wanted more time. He would not take "NO" for answer. Even when I said "no" straight out. He pushed and pushed for 30 minutes of what he calls "begging" for me to sit by him and say nothing. (He says he knows me better than I know me and I will do stuff for him because I care)  This is the part I can't get passed right now... How can someone keep this up and use emotional tones until you stop saying 'No"? (What is it called when they don’t stop until they tire you out and give in?)

In the end, I am wanting to know if anyone has techniques for getting passed the harassment and asserting your own "No"? Thanks