Feeling lost - post break up

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Just trying to process a break up and get my thoughts, feelings out to like minded people who have been through this.
Background - we have been together 3 years, engaged for 2 and the relationship has finally run its course, I have detached myself and no longer feel this is a sustainable relationship with my bpd partner.
It has only been a week of no contact. It ended with a phone call (don’t live with him anymore as kicked out a few times previously and didn’t go back but stayed in the relationship) as we couldn’t see eye to eye on my actions and how they hurt him, as well as finance issues, not being supportive or considerate.I’m quite a stubborn person and reactive as well, so when I’m spoken to in a disrespectful manner I do not back down so it made it quite volatile. I’m still anxious that I will receive vile messages but haven’t so far which maybe a good sign.
It was the constant walking on eggshells or not agreeing with his perception of reality and constantly second guessing myself and my actions which slowly lead me to withdraw. It was emotionally draining and the make up break up cycle slowly sucked away my empathy and made me put up a wall to stop from getting hurt. Which to him probably seemed like I didn’t care but I was in self preservation mode.
Im not sure what I’m trying to say really, I do love him but I can’t do it anymore and I’m worried that if he messages I’ll get drawn back in but can’t seem to block him. I know  this is for the best but it still hurts.
He has removed all pictures of us on Facebook after 2 days no contact but has kept me as a friend, which confuses me as he obviously wants me out of his life and to forget me, but to make sure I still know what he is doing and how together he is, which is just a front. It hurts but everyone moves on differently.
I’m just trying to see how people coped with the final break up and did their bpd partners try and get back in contact, and the time frames. Also did they message when they met someone new to prove they didn’t need you anymore etc

[Sarah1]

Just trying to process a break up and get my thoughts, feelings out to like minded people who have been through this.
Background - we have been together 3 years, engaged for 2 and the relationship has finally run its course, I have detached myself and no longer feel this is a sustainable relationship with my bpd partner.
It has only been a week of no contact. It ended with a phone call (don’t live with him anymore as kicked out a few times previously and didn’t go back but stayed in the relationship) as we couldn’t see eye to eye on my actions and how they hurt him, as well as finance issues, not being supportive or considerate.I’m quite a stubborn person and reactive as well, so when I’m spoken to in a disrespectful manner I do not back down so it made it quite volatile. I’m still anxious that I will receive vile messages but haven’t so far which maybe a good sign.
It was the constant walking on eggshells or not agreeing with his perception of reality and constantly second guessing myself and my actions which slowly lead me to withdraw. It was emotionally draining and the make up break up cycle slowly sucked away my empathy and made me put up a wall to stop from getting hurt. Which to him probably seemed like I didn’t care but I was in self preservation mode.
Im not sure what I’m trying to say really, I do love him but I can’t do it anymore and I’m worried that if he messages I’ll get drawn back in but can’t seem to block him. I know  this is for the best but it still hurts.
He has removed all pictures of us on Facebook after 2 days no contact but has kept me as a friend, which confuses me as he obviously wants me out of his life and to forget me, but to make sure I still know what he is doing and how together he is, which is just a front. It hurts but everyone moves on differently.
I’m just trying to see how people coped with the final break up and did their bpd partners try and get back in contact, and the time frames. Also did they message when they met someone new to prove they didn’t need you anymore etc

[EYFGT]

My 1.5 year relationship was half of yours but I feel like we have a similar mindset. For me, every day that’s gone by it gets substantially easier. Like you, I was terrified I would get drawn back into my position but when you really get to that point of being done, just trust yourself. I know it’s so hard right now but I’m proud of you for choosing yourself.

Feel free to message me if you ever want someone to talk to

[Lucky Jim]

I do love him but I can’t do it anymore

Hey Sarah1,

Welcome!  That's the paradox of a BPD r/s: we can love our BPD SO yet still find it impossible to live with him/her.  Just my two cents: I think you are doing the right thing by detaching and moving on.  I was married to a pwBPD, so I know the territory.

LuckyJim

[SinisterComplex]

Just trying to process a break up and get my thoughts, feelings out to like minded people who have been through this.
Background - we have been together 3 years, engaged for 2 and the relationship has finally run its course, I have detached myself and no longer feel this is a sustainable relationship with my bpd partner.
It has only been a week of no contact. It ended with a phone call (don’t live with him anymore as kicked out a few times previously and didn’t go back but stayed in the relationship) as we couldn’t see eye to eye on my actions and how they hurt him, as well as finance issues, not being supportive or considerate.I’m quite a stubborn person and reactive as well, so when I’m spoken to in a disrespectful manner I do not back down so it made it quite volatile. I’m still anxious that I will receive vile messages but haven’t so far which maybe a good sign.
It was the constant walking on eggshells or not agreeing with his perception of reality and constantly second guessing myself and my actions which slowly lead me to withdraw. It was emotionally draining and the make up break up cycle slowly sucked away my empathy and made me put up a wall to stop from getting hurt. Which to him probably seemed like I didn’t care but I was in self preservation mode.
Im not sure what I’m trying to say really, I do love him but I can’t do it anymore and I’m worried that if he messages I’ll get drawn back in but can’t seem to block him. I know  this is for the best but it still hurts.
He has removed all pictures of us on Facebook after 2 days no contact but has kept me as a friend, which confuses me as he obviously wants me out of his life and to forget me, but to make sure I still know what he is doing and how together he is, which is just a front. It hurts but everyone moves on differently.
I’m just trying to see how people coped with the final break up and did their bpd partners try and get back in contact, and the time frames. Also did they message when they met someone new to prove they didn’t need you anymore etc

I did kind of chuckle because I understand the not backing down part all too well. LOL. Anyway, BPD partners getting in contact again...bet on it. As for time frames...it is random, but you will hear from them again in some way, shape, or form. As for the whole other partner thing...that is leaning more toward a narcissistic approach.

Coping with the final break-up...everyone handles it differently and it really is unique to the individual personality. You may find some similar themes among the members, but it will still vary. I would just urge you to take the time to focus on YOU. Throw yourself into a new passion and actually allow yourself to be immersed into it. In essence don't search for something to happen, MAKE something happen.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Sarah1]

Thank you all for your replies, appreciate it.

As suggested...He has been in contact regarding some possessions (which were gifts but I’d rather have them back instead of thrown away) I have left at his, so going to collect next week - in all the drama I completely forgot about the engagement ring. So I will return this when I get my things.

 Its just heartbreaking that this was the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with but most of the time it was a falsehood of him and me being happy. I knew I couldn’t be his saviour and didn’t even try to fulfil that role, just was there for him.

Just can’t get sucked back in when I go over there, and I hope he isn’t nasty but maybe that might affirm my decision if he is. Or he could go the emotional manipulation route... oh who knows ...just anxious rambling!

[SinisterComplex]

Thank you all for your replies, appreciate it.

As suggested...He has been in contact regarding some possessions (which were gifts but I’d rather have them back instead of thrown away) I have left at his, so going to collect next week - in all the drama I completely forgot about the engagement ring. So I will return this when I get my things.

 Its just heartbreaking that this was the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with but most of the time it was a falsehood of him and me being happy. I knew I couldn’t be his saviour and didn’t even try to fulfil that role, just was there for him.

Just can’t get sucked back in when I go over there, and I hope he isn’t nasty but maybe that might affirm my decision if he is. Or he could go the emotional manipulation route... oh who knows ...just anxious rambling!

So start with realizing you didn't and don't deserve this. You are not going to get sucked back in. That is not an option and do not even entertain the thought in your mind. If you do you are more likely to get sucked back in. So don't allow yourself to make it a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Be firm and different...follow the BIFF technique and do not allow yourself to be pulled into a situation of JADE.

Keep your head up. Be strong. Most of all be kind to you and allow yourself to get on with the process of healing and being happy.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Ad Meliora]

Just can’t get sucked back in when I go over there, and I hope he isn’t nasty but maybe that might affirm my decision if he is. Or he could go the emotional manipulation route... oh who knows ...just anxious rambling!

Welcome Sarah1.  I remember the first days after the break up.  I was worried and anxious too.  I was worried about getting my house key back.  I didn't know what would happen.  Her previous ex had called the cops on her when she moved out.  She didn't understand why:  I did.

It ended up a non-event.  Stuff was left on my porch while I was home, she didn't even come and find me.  She no longer had control of me.  It was done.  I sent something back to her via the US Mail, but that was it.  No Contact since (15 months).  No events.  That part was hard to understand too.

Once you step out of the vortex and distance yourself from their magnetic field of influence, your life starts to change.

[Tessarae]

Welcome. It was through this forum and this forum only that I was able to understand my experience. I imagine this might be fairly common.

You will get invaluable advice and support from others so let me add one perspective from one who didn't call off the engagement- be profoundly and deeply grateful that you have the wisdom to recognize an unhealthy dynamic and have the courage to face the heart break now.

I can share my experience as someone who did NOT end the engagement (even when all the red flags were there) if it helps strengthen your resolve. Tragically, with my husband, the BPD traits worsened over two decades. There was always volatility and the accompanying heartache- especially because I had no idea what was happening. But for the first decade, the 'episodes' (primarily splitting with accompanying character assassination, blame and emotional abandonment) might happen a couple times a year. Then, after he aged (after 40), they might happen quarterly. Over the last 5 years, they were happening monthly. A year ago he abruptly stopped taking his SSRI (which I am convinced helped lower anxiety which kept his reactivity more manageable), he erupted and my life imploded.

It's complex to say what I regret. We have two beautiful children whom I love with all my beings. And what has been the very most heartbreaking and confusing (that I wonder if only those of us who have been in these relationships understand), he was more often than not a tender, romantic, loving, supportive partner with whom I shared a passionate marriage.

But it was also hellish and unhealthy and never was a tenable relationship. For two decades I fought to keep the 'good husband' and be free of 'the other'. That was the definition of insanity with someone who was never diagnosed, never sought treatment and worsened over time.

In terms of the breakup itself, once I finally told him a month ago (in the most loving and way possible) that there would be no reconciliation this time, his response was evolved. He told me that he was heartbroken that 'we' were letting go of the marriage (after he had told me at least 4 times over the past 12 months that he was DONE with me and moving on with his life) but that he understood and was committed to a caring for each other during what lay ahead. That lasted about two weeks until I 'criticized' him for breaking a significant financial agreement he had made to me. He will no longer speak to me. He is double-downed on his narrative that he has been in an abusive marriage and is finally breaking free and getting healthy (negative projection and splitting). He can not acknowledge that we had a loving marriage. He can not see me as good or fair or reasonable. He is likely already starting to look for opportunities for 'dating'.

So...be prepared for anything- demonstrations of caring/reminders of the person you love (which can make you question your perception, self, reality), cold and complete and sudden detachment from you as if you mattered little, being made the villain, social media posts of his happy life- and/or cycling through all the above. Try to remember that this is NOT about you or what you meant. Trust your intuition and be so profoundly grateful that it lead you away from a relationship that would have cost you so much more than you have already suffered.

Best wishes.

[trip256]

Welcome. It was through this forum and this forum only that I was able to understand my experience. I imagine this might be fairly common.

You will get invaluable advice and support from others so let me add one perspective from one who didn't call off the engagement- be profoundly and deeply grateful that you have the wisdom to recognize an unhealthy dynamic and have the courage to face the heart break now.

I can share my experience as someone who did NOT end the engagement (even when all the red flags were there) if it helps strengthen your resolve. Tragically, with my husband, the BPD traits worsened over two decades. There was always volatility and the accompanying heartache- especially because I had no idea what was happening. But for the first decade, the 'episodes' (primarily splitting with accompanying character assassination, blame and emotional abandonment) might happen a couple times a year. Then, after he aged (after 40), they might happen quarterly. Over the last 5 years, they were happening monthly. A year ago he abruptly stopped taking his SSRI (which I am convinced helped lower anxiety which kept his reactivity more manageable), he erupted and my life imploded.

It's complex to say what I regret. We have two beautiful children whom I love with all my beings. And what has been the very most heartbreaking and confusing (that I wonder if only those of us who have been in these relationships understand), he was more often than not a tender, romantic, loving, supportive partner with whom I shared a passionate marriage.

But it was also hellish and unhealthy and never was a tenable relationship. For two decades I fought to keep the 'good husband' and be free of 'the other'. That was the definition of insanity with someone who was never diagnosed, never sought treatment and worsened over time.

In terms of the breakup itself, once I finally told him a month ago (in the most loving and way possible) that there would be no reconciliation this time, his response was evolved. He told me that he was heartbroken that 'we' were letting go of the marriage (after he had told me at least 4 times over the past 12 months that he was DONE with me and moving on with his life) but that he understood and was committed to a caring for each other during what lay ahead. That lasted about two weeks until I 'criticized' him for breaking a significant financial agreement he had made to me. He will no longer speak to me. He is double-downed on his narrative that he has been in an abusive marriage and is finally breaking free and getting healthy (negative projection and splitting). He can not acknowledge that we had a loving marriage. He can not see me as good or fair or reasonable. He is likely already starting to look for opportunities for 'dating'.

So...be prepared for anything- demonstrations of caring/reminders of the person you love (which can make you question your perception, self, reality), cold and complete and sudden detachment from you as if you mattered little, being made the villain, social media posts of his happy life- and/or cycling through all the above. Try to remember that this is NOT about you or what you meant. Trust your intuition and be so profoundly grateful that it lead you away from a relationship that would have cost you so much more than you have already suffered.

Best wishes.

Thank you for posting this. I left eight months ago for safety reasons and have kept trying to figure out how to make the relationship work, until I realized I can't. I was married for two years, primarily through Covid, and it's hard to say goodbye to the good times. Your comment soothes me. I mourn the children we will not have and the future happy memories that aren't to be, but I too have fought to keep the "good husband" at my own cost. Thank you for sharing your strength.

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, Sarah,  There's a good chance that, when you see him, he will try to manipulate you through F-O-G (fear, obligation and/or guilt), so be prepared.  Forewarned is forearmed!  If you sense that he's twisting your arm, so-to-speak, you'll know that it's an attempt at manipulation.  Don't fall for it, is my advice.  I suggest you remain neutral and decline to engage.

LJ

[Sarah1]

Thank you for sharing Tessarae and Jim/ basically everyone else for their insight and advice.

I went around this evening to pick up my things he was so nice and basically acting like the person I fell in love with which made it soo much harder. My heart wanted for me to stay so badly but my logic and brain won out...I returned the engagement ring and we hugged said goodbye and I left. Done!

So many mixed emotions... sad saying goodbye to someone I love...grief for the future we could of had but also maybe a slight sense of relief that the decision has been made, no seconded guessing or anxiety about where I stand in the relationship because it has ended on my terms.

Now I suppose it’s time to recover and heal, possibly a bit of retail therapy.

Just want people to know it does hurt ending a relationship but you need to protect yourself and your own emotional health... this must come first and taking that step of identifying if the relationship isn’t working for you and you are unhappy.
You have the inner courage.. you are strong and you can carry on without them. (Basically what I’m telling myself )