Ok apologies, I'm new here and this is long!
I have been with my partner for 21 years and we have 3 kids. It's been turbulent from the get go. I was young and messed up when we got together- insecure, lost and drinking too much (figured out in the last 5 years that I was battling with undiagnosed adhd/autism). He was the opposite to me - confident, always spoke his mind, driven. He'd had some tough times - lost his dad very traumatically, had a very volatile ex and a weird controlling mother who seems to have simultaneously indulged him and been ver emotionally absent.
We had so many ups and downs but I really blamed it all on me and my drinking (never daily but weekend binges when I felt overwhelmed). When I got pregnant with my eldest and stopped drinking he was so angry. Angry that I stopped for the baby but not for him - angry that he was going to have to make some sacrifices and lose his studio room to make a nursery. He said he was gonna pick me up on every mistake. He wasn't wrong.
But in time things changed a bit. We started to grow. There were many times of real support and love and care. BUT the dramas still came. And every single time I'd end up feeling like I was losing my mind. Hours of him talking at me - lots of valid reasonable points but always peppered with stuff that was so not true, loads of absolutes - you always, I never, silences when he would sit and glare at me unflinching. I would agree to anything, apologise for everything just to make it stop. And then POW! Like magic it would be over, and he'd be teasing me and joking and wanting sex. For a long time I minimised it, ignored it, internalised it, just got on with trying to raise our kids.
I cannot even explain how many hours of my life I've dedicated to trying to figure out WHY. Maybe it's his messed up controlling mum, maybe it's his chronic insomnia, maybe it's ptsd from his dads death, bipolar? Depressed? And yes maybe it's me!
Things started to shift over the last 6 years. I started trying to fix myself. Went to aa got sober - eventually figured out that I had adhd - I wasn't an alcoholic but had been self medicating. Got my diagnosis and medication. Thought this would really help as he frequently criticised me for being disorganised and forgetful. But it kind of became a stick to beat me with. I know you're brain works differently but it just means you have to try harder etc etc. I started therapy, worked on my physical fitness, all the while reading loads about mental health etc.
I began to feel trapped and lonely and questioning what on earth I was doing. Around this Time (2 years ago) I had an emotional affair. I'm not proud of it, it was a
PLEASE READty thing to do. Someone I knew from a long time ago popped up on Facebook and messaged me and before I knew it things were really flirty and intense. It lasted a total of 10 days and threw me into total turmoil. I ended it as I felt so guilty but I made me realise what a mess my relationship was and how close I'd was to walking away. Aaaand then he found out about it. And did not react how I thought he would! He said he wasn't angry and totally forgave me (this clearly wasn't true) but was utterly heartbroken- he cried all the time (he never ever cried before) he begged me to stay, said he'd do anything to make me happy and fix things. But was also going through my phone and emails and Facebook every day and making me have endless hours long conversations demanding I tell him everything that had happened again and again. He wanted sex and to be near me all the time. But I felt so guilty that I just figured this was all totally understandable. But this loving overly nice bubble burst. It's been so tough since then.
I finally cracked (again) about 3 months ago after a week long bout of the silent treatment and said I couldnt go on. I said everything I've ever felt in a great big email. Even then being careful to highlight the good stuff too. I told him how exhausted I was, how I felt like I was constantly pretending to the outside world we had a normal life, how I was so tired of walking on eggshells, being criticised, blamed, watching him shout at the kids.
He promised to change, to go to counselling (I have - he hasn't) although we have started relationship counselling- it's not working. If anything it's worse. Same sh*t new packaging - now even more crazy making. Now being told - I know you can't handle criticism and I'm not criticising you just explaining how I feel - only to go on to list a ton of things I have said/done wrong and how I should have said them. Always that magic combo - if you'd just said/done this then I wouldn't be feeling/reacting like this!
I cracked at my own therapy session before Xmas as my therapist carefully told me that she saw definite signs of emotional abuse and controlling and manipulative behaviour.
I tried to explain what I saw (without mentioning abuse etc) in our relationship counselling. That I felt like he had a ball of emotions inside home and that when triggered the response was disproportionate and that whatever I said or did was never enough. That I wasn't able to reply or defend myself at all or it just escalated further. His only reaction to this after the session was to be super angry that I hadn't praised him enough!
He's currently "trying hard" to be different but I can see that it's totally driven by fear and desperation. Lots of comments about doing it all "for me".
And then I stumbled across bpd. Nothing else quite fitted but that's it - 100% lightbulb moment.
No idea where to go from here
