hard time on new year

[encore22]

Hi,
I am having a hard time, and my wife will not speak to me on NYD...I feel empty and hurt...
I do not know what to make of it... I only tried to have her join us and celebrate with our kids on NY eve, and yes, I really tried hard to change her mind... But I was only trying to do the right thing for the family.

History with her - 20 years marriage...she will often use the silent treatment... yet I have to talk when she is ready ( no matter whose fault it was, often just a misunderstanding )...

Despite the Covid, we have really been helping each other out, caring well, I would say, for each other... If we had these issues in the past, I am surprised that it re-emerges...

In the past she got fed up with me as I had panic attacks ( which she saw as manipulation ).  I control those very well now.

She is Asian, I am of French heritage.

I would say we have a history of psych. violence but a lot less so now, if ever, which is why I cannot explain this. I am left hurt, in shambles.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[bugwaterguy]

I don't have an easy answers.

Trying to change her mind usually will not work.  If she is overwhelmed by emotion, don't JADE (justify, argue, defend, or explain) it wastes your time, and usually makes things work.  It is difficult - but you just have to let it go.  Hopefully later she will come around.

Have you read any of the BPD books?

[encore22]

I do not believe I have read any such books.  I read Christian books, etc...

I thank you for your reply.  It is a start...

[bugwaterguy]

You should consider reading "Stop Walking On Eggshells" to start.  It is extremely helpful.

Also
Stop Walking On Eggshells Workbook
Loving Someone With BPD

[thankful person]

Hi I also recommend the book “ stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist” it’s really eye opening and I listen to it on audible in my car (I rarely have time alone so real books aren’t an option for me). The books and forum have helped me to understand that my wife has an emotional disability. This is not a reason to bend over backwards trying to please her, as I used to. Rather it is about firstly handling things better so she’s not quite so angry and reactive. And secondly dealing with things better myself, when my wife is angry with me. I wish you all the best. This is a great forum and the people are so kind and knowledgeable.