Epiphany

[StartingHealing]

Hello y'all.

It feels that I've moved forward on where I was just a few months ago.

It finally "clicked" for me that it's not me.

I didn't create it. Despite wBPD statements to the otherwise.

Yes, I have my own issues.  That said, finally "getting it" that I'm not to blame for it is huge!  Yay me

It's like, having a heavy weight that I have carried for a long time and the straps suddenly break and the relief from that is so so sweet at the moment.

I feel that this will help me in moving forward in my efforts in not making things worse (contributing to it)  / making them better.

Anyone else who has had this type of realization?

It's also helping me in starting to consider what I'm getting out of the relationship.

Peace

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

I like the Three Cs: I didn’t Cause it, I can’t Control it, I can’t Cure it.

Being pragmatic about what the pluses and minuses of the relationship are is helpful.

[thankful person]

Hi healing,
I have also been on this “recovery” journey for a few months and it’s been an amazing time. Of course there are two sides to it, realising that I CAN make a difference, and then realising that I can’t control everything and that my wife will continue to sometimes upset me, so it’s also about taking care of myself and not taking things to heart. I’ve realised I was also a caretaker to my ex and that our relationship was very unhealthy. Which means I can finally let go of hating myself for breaking his heart seven years ago. I’ve also realised I need to properly practise self compassion in order to model it for my children.
Good luck and may we continue to learn and grow with the support of this amazing group!

[NonnyMouse]

Same experience with me. uBPDw accused me of having anger issues. So I went on an anger-management course. I met lots of really angry people (I even managed to annoy one of them with an innocent remark!), but I didn't recognise myself in any of them. Then she discovered co-dependency and accused me of that. So I went to a Coda meeting. Again, lots of people completely different from me. (I have a very strong feeling of identity and self sufficiency, which I didn't appreciate until I saw the opposite). Oh, and again I annoyed some people there! (I tend to say what I think. Not with uBPDw anymore though!)

End result was that I realised it wasn't me at all!

[15years]

I'm also on that journey, yet sometimes I'm afraid it's just a phase, or like my wife would call it, that I'm not taking responsibility for my actions and instead am trying to run from my feelings (this haunted me for a long time).

Sometimes it feels like I'm completely innocent and lack empathy which in turn makes me question what kind of a coward I am. But I think it comes from the fact that when you're blamed for more than you feel you deserve it affects the level of empathy you feel.

Nonny - kind of like you with he anger management, I've been to a sexual advisor to talk about what's wrong with my sexuality. She told me there's nothing wrong with my sexuality but that I still may have done bad things. When I told my wife about this she wasn't happy at all.

[StartingHealing]

I like the Three Cs: I didn’t Cause it, I can’t Control it, I can’t Cure it.

Being pragmatic about what the pluses and minuses of the relationship are is helpful.

Roger that!  Still getting it imprinted into my base operating layer.  Trying to ensure that when wBPD does the typical behaviors that my amygdala doesn't get triggered / hooked into it.  Working on disengaging the enmeshment, you know?

15years:  I don't know if it is a phase.  I mean, is my wBPD behaviors a phase?  To me, having the understanding that BPD's have their emotions but that the emotions may or may not have anything to do with what actually happened.  Does that make sense? Validation of emotions doesn't have to include validation of what they think, Right?  It took me a while but there is a disorder there.  You know?

Nonny,  For sure!  I've been accused of many actions that I didn't do, and well, after learning about BPD, it's a jacked up way that they attempt to seek emotional support.  After being accused of cheating, financial management issues, (I'm not the spendy one) being called a laundry list of names..(loves drama and chaos) to bait me into that.. When I started to compare statements from wBPD to what other people see of me, started to consider that perhaps her statements didn't have a basis in fact, but had a basis in her emotionality.

BrokenPerson,
Yes indeed!  Great group here.  I've realized that some of my behaviors that are actually on the good side, being empathic, taking care of loved ones, were leveraged into something that isn't good for me.  I'm starting to figure out that I'm as important as anybody else, and I need to take actions that support that. 

Thanks to all that replied. (will reply )

[mitten]

It finally "clicked" for me that it's not me.

Yes, I have my own issues.  That said, finally "getting it" that I'm not to blame for it is huge!  Yay me

It's like, having a heavy weight that I have carried for a long time and the straps suddenly break and the relief from that is so so sweet at the moment.

Anyone else who has had this type of realization?

Yup, it's an amazing feeling.  I actually just posted about my experience with the Light Bulb moment last week!  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=351684.0

[15years]

15years:  I don't know if it is a phase.  I mean, is my wBPD behaviors a phase?  To me, having the understanding that BPD's have their emotions but that the emotions may or may not have anything to do with what actually happened.  Does that make sense? Validation of emotions doesn't have to include validation of what they think, Right?  It took me a while but there is a disorder there.  You know?

It's hard, one moment I feel this strongly and other times I don't. I do feel that my own feelings is getting more and more stable, and that is important. Being more independent emotionally might actually work. The last months is the most progress I've made ever. Before I thought I'm an exception, that I can't be my true self, when I was working on her script of what I should change about myself. Now I'm realizing that walking my own path, which in this case unfortunately seems to be to work against her wishes, is what makes me discover my true self.