This may be controversial - but here goes

[hands down]

So… bottom line. IMO pwBPD are abusers. 

(Wait don’t stop here)

What I mean by that is that in every abuse situation, there are two parties… someone with traits that attempt to inflict abuse and those that can be abused. If you’re 250lbs of muscle and run into someone trying to abuse you physically - your odds are quite low of getting abused.

WHERE I’m going with this. Is. If you have a pwBPD souse, and you’re deciding to stay in tue relationship, I urged you to realize they are an abuser.. 

BUT… here’s the BUT. I’m not saying don’t stay

What I’m saying is that, to everyone reading these boards, contemplating staying in a BPD relationship, if you do, you MUST mentally become that 250lb person of pure muscle on a metaphoric level.

BPD relationships can teach you and grow you in some of the most beautiful ways. Strength comes from adversity, I’m convinced of this, at the same time they are the types of relationships that can ruin a person, take you to places you never knew possible.

So I’ll end with this. If you can look at your partner as an abuser, and realize you’re strong enough to endure and protect yourself from abuse, then that’s something, if not. I would encourage you to re-evaluate how you look at your BOD spouse. Not that you need to demonize them, but understand; just because someone is abusive, doesn’t mean you have to get abused. And also understand. Just because someone is abusive also doesn’t mean they are unworthy of love and having a strong partner to walk along side of them with out getting burned by tue fire they create

Okay. Rant over. Hopefully this perspective was beneficial to someone out there struggling with how to view their commitment in light of the pain and hurt of a BPD relationship

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[judee]

Definitely and right what I needed to hear. I also know that even if I was the mental equivalent of a 250lb person, a relationship is the last place where I want to have to be like that. We all already have to be pretty thick skinned to cope with life in general, why and how would anyone choose to be abused in his/her most intimate environment? And I do agree that all ppl wBPD abuse, I have been in 5 long relationships and (only) two of them were abusive, guess what their disorder was. Yes, both diagnosed BPD.
I want my partner to be my go to person, where I feel safe. I want him to feel safe with me.
Hands up, hands down.

[So many questions]

This oddly related to me.

My ex is not a monster. At times I’ve felt that. But she isn’t. She is so unbelievably good looking, it has caused trauma in her life since she was a teen. How could she trust men when every man she’s ever met has been flirty or inappropriate at some point? When every guy friend eventually tried to hook up with her?

At first, I thought wow she is a monster and so mean and capable of such insanely cruel behavior. But no, she is still a child at heart and acts as such.

In reality, when her mind wasn’t self sabotaging, she was the most caring, loving, humorous, affectionate person I’ve ever met. She could make me feel like I am the most special person in this world. Time stopped when with her.

I became that 250 lb mentality. I stopped taking things personal and would coddle her after an explosion and say it’s okay. I was okay with the abuse honestly. I loved her, and the good times far out weighed the bad. Had I known about BPD during our relationship, we would’ve lasted forever. It explained everything.

I too am have my own set of mental baggage, so I was down to work through anything.

The thing is, that mindset will backfire. It did to me. I had became a shell of a human, i took all the abuse, and she still wanted to break up with me over the smallest thing.

You have to not only be okay with the abuse, but looking like the abuser. She will tell her friends and family. They will start to treat you different. She will bash you every time something happens. You will have to stop going around them. She will say she acts this way because of us. She will call you controlling. She will cheat on you and lie. You have to be okay with all of it.

And I don’t think anyone truly ever can be okay with that.

I would’ve made it work regardless. I would’ve taken it all, every time. Because I truly love this woman with every ounce of me. She’s an abuser but she’s my person. I don’t give up on people.

Yet she worked things in her favor, got a reaction out of me, and used it to end things for good. Now I’m replaced.

I would like to agree it’s possible. But it will be a really hard road that doesn’t give you much satisfaction besides the breadcrumbs and love bombing.

No thanks. I’m trying to move on.

[thankful person]

I found this post incredible insightful and I absolutely agree. But I’m about to say something I never thought I’d say: over the past year… I have become that 250lb tough muscle woman.
I came from an unusual circumstance. I was in a “happy and stable relationship” before for 14 years. Even though my ex was very controlling and actually I wasn’t happy. I left him for my bpd wife because I was besotted and addicted and obsessed with her. I was forced to break my own heart in breaking his heart when I had to make that choice. And I “knew” that day that I could never ever be happy. I loved him, but I had to set him free because I knew if I stayed then I would continue to obsess over my “future” wife and that could never be fair on him.
So I hated myself. Named myself “broken person”. I have not been to therapy but one thing I learned that was so valuable when I read, “stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist”… I was some kind of caretaker for my ex too. So I realised why he was still controlling me, years after we fell out of touch I still felt fully responsible for breaking him. For some reason this - finally - led to me learning to look after myself and put my own needs first. At the same time I was motivated by putting our young children’s needs first and learning that I have to model resilience and self-compassion, if I am to teach it to them.
Since I stopped being so desperate for my wife’s approval, she has become calmer, less critical, and there are no longer ridiculous demands on me. It’s very odd to be honest. But I am tougher now than I have ever been. And I owe it all to bpd family and the “stop caretaking” book.

[Notwendy]

I think the idea of abuse is confusing to people. I assumed abuse was violent, or extreme, but it's not like that all the time, and some abuse isn't physical.

An eye opener was reading the book "verbal abuse" by Patricia Evans and then reading the others in her series. The books are not about BPD specifically but describe verbal and emotional abuse and controlling people well. The books have the man as the abuser and the woman as the spouse but it can be either gender abusing the other.

Abuse is cyclic. In between episodes the person can be genuinely loving. People might assume an abusive person is abusive all the time. The times they are not can be confusing.

Yes, there can be growth to work on oneself. Leaving is an option, but if one doesn't closely examine their part in this, they risk getting into a relationship with similar dynamics. There are many reasons to not want to leave such as when there are children. However, I think one has to come to terms with why they chose to be in an abusive relationship, and also choose to stay in one.

From the outside, people might ask "why don't they just leave" but somehow, leaving an abusive relationship can be difficult. Why is that? The relationship takes two people, something draws these two people together.

I once had a friend who has escaped an abusive relationship after her ex husband physically harmed her and she was hospitalized. She was attractive, and bright and several nice men were interested in her but she felt no chemistry with them. Yet, she ended up with another type like her ex husband. It was then that I realized that something with her paired up with men like that.

Eventually I had to work on my own co-dependency and the influence that has on my relationships, and also where that came from. Looking at our parents' behaviors is for insight and direction, not to blame them. We are responsible for our own emotional growth now. For some of us, our parents were dysfunctional but this was the only "normal" we know and so we may be attracted to that- the basis of the "chemistry" we feel for someone else.

One result of personal growth is that we may no longer "fit" the pattern and this can disrupt the relationship. Our partner would have to adjust or the relationship might not endure. However, they do say "we teach people how to treat us". The first step is to not tolerate it.