feel like efforts are wasted

[Kayteelouwho]

so my ex bpd bearing In mind we are trying to reverse our issue granted easier said than done, but if I say I'm working to I'mprove our realationship and want to keep working at it my exbpd sent me a message for having a couple of cocktails

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rev]

Hi Kay

I've read your post a couple of times.

It sounds like you're trying to figure out what makes sense and what doesn't.

Hoping you are okay and are taking care of you. I know we say that a lot here and so it can sound trite.

And as someone who went back more than once, I wish it had not taken so long to figure out it isn't trite.

So if you are okay - great. If you need - continue to reach out here.

Hang in there.

Rev

[Kayteelouwho]

Hi

thank you, I actually wrote the post last night and not quite sure how I got the poll thing added either and didn't finish before I sent so I apologise

Sorry moral of the post, I'm frustrated with how when we was trying to reconcile he got drunk and then ignored me for 2 days, I've been trying to communicate better with him and to some points that has been better then yesterday I spoke to him as usual and then said I would message him tomorrow  as saw my  friend and her daughter with my daughter in the evening as the girls wanted to do make up and things etc.   I then get a message from exbpd  oh BTW partner "saying you don't need to justify anything your single and your your own person".  I'm actually surprised by that message he was drunk 2 days in a row and I got the silent treatment.  and I see it as not trying to repair anything with us, is that just me being sensitive? all I know is the message annoyed me and I know I cant go and say it annoyed me either.

so I'm back to thinking actually, I wouldn't say that to you. He still hasn't respected any of my boundaries. I only have 3 in place. I'm still in every round about way blamed for everything I don't retaliate but it seems to me I'm the only one trying to sort out the realationship.

Any words of advice I would appreciate.
thank you for taking the time to read my post.

[Rev]

Hi

thank you, I actually wrote the post last night and not quite sure how I got the poll thing added either and didn't finish before I sent so I apologise

Sorry moral of the post, I'm frustrated with how when we was trying to reconcile he got drunk and then ignored me for 2 days, I've been trying to communicate better with him and to some points that has been better then yesterday I spoke to him as usual and then said I would message him tomorrow  as saw my  friend and her daughter with my daughter in the evening as the girls wanted to do make up and things etc.   I then get a message from exbpd  oh BTW partner "saying you don't need to justify anything your single and your your own person".  I'm actually surprised by that message he was drunk 2 days in a row and I got the silent treatment.  and I see it as not trying to repair anything with us, is that just me being sensitive? all I know is the message annoyed me and I know I cant go and say it annoyed me either.

so I'm back to thinking actually, I wouldn't say that to you. He still hasn't respected any of my boundaries. I only have 3 in place. I'm still in every round about way blamed for everything I don't retaliate but it seems to me I'm the only one trying to sort out the realationship.

Any words of advice I would appreciate.
thank you for taking the time to read my post.

Hi K

Thanks for the clarification.  I see you are on the bettering board. Does that mean you want to preserve this relationship?

If so - what are your specific reasons?

Just like any relationship - there are reasons to stay and there are reasons to leave. If one of your reasons to stay is that you "hope he will change", then please think again. He will not change.

I'd invite you to create that list of reasons to stay and then we can chat more?

Thoughts?

In the meantime, I hear your frustration. It's okay to be frustrated and it's more than okay to take care of your own needs lest your loose yourself in that frustration.

Hang in there.

Rev

[Kayteelouwho]

Hi Rev,

I actually have been doing the list that you told me to write.

I really appreciate the advice you had giving me. 

I did go back, Out of fear a couple of times of suicide threats/ the stalking, then because I felt guilty and shame and obligation to stand by him to help, and so I didn't trigger his fear of being alone.

I'm currently doing much better and trying to disengage with care, which Is difficult, and managing stress levels better and have had time to clearly think without my thoughts invaded.

I miss him terribly but trying to work on that part and trying not to reach out and ask if he is OK.

From your experience and what you have learnt and felt us the most valuable insight?

secondly is it possible to disengage kindly or even have a stable parting and check on occasion that they are trying to get help for them selves?

How are you doing now?

I Hooe your doing OK.

Lastly Thank you for your understanding and support when I was struggling.

Take care