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[Depression = 72% of members]

Hmm. It's actually really hard to post anything here because I can't get past the fear of my mother discovering that I've been talking about her. I'm 50. I should be able to do this, right? But part of me continues to be a kid who's terrified of getting found out for being disloyal and/or trying to blame someone else for my own shortcomings.

Does this seem at all familiar? This fear, the sense that I'm doing something wrong, that I'll be found out and I'll deserve all the anger coming my way?

I feel a little ridiculous doing this. I'm a middle-aged woman with a husband and grown kids and a roaring case of C-PTSD and this...constant exhausting anxiety. My stabilizing parent died this winter. After a few years of some self-awareness on my mother's part and fewer stressful interactions, the wheels feel perilously close to coming off the bus again.

I should say that there is no formal diagnosis for her because she, by and large, doesn't do therapy. Everything comes from my mental health team, and only as part of their attempt to provide a framework for me to understand my own issues. This week was the first time my psychiatrist was specific about my mother's likely mental illness, this month is the first time in a long time that I've been present for some straight up rages from her, and I'm feeling a bit flattened by everything. Including, of course, terrible grief from the loss of my other parent. And this oh-so-familiar, all systems on high alert place of waiting for the storm to suddenly appear.

[IslandKid]

Hmm. It's actually really hard to post anything here because I can't get past the fear of my mother discovering that I've been talking about her. I'm 50. I should be able to do this, right? But part of me continues to be a kid who's terrified of getting found out for being disloyal and/or trying to blame someone else for my own shortcomings.

Does this seem at all familiar? This fear, the sense that I'm doing something wrong, that I'll be found out and I'll deserve all the anger coming my way?

I feel a little ridiculous doing this. I'm a middle-aged woman with a husband and grown kids and a roaring case of C-PTSD and this...constant exhausting anxiety. My stabilizing parent died this winter. After a few years of some self-awareness on my mother's part and fewer stressful interactions, the wheels feel perilously close to coming off the bus again.

I should say that there is no formal diagnosis for her because she, by and large, doesn't do therapy. Everything comes from my mental health team, and only as part of their attempt to provide a framework for me to understand my own issues. This week was the first time my psychiatrist was specific about my mother's likely mental illness, this month is the first time in a long time that I've been present for some straight up rages from her, and I'm feeling a bit flattened by everything. Including, of course, terrible grief from the loss of my other parent. And this oh-so-familiar, all systems on high alert place of waiting for the storm to suddenly appear.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Welcome to the forum Islandkid,

Reading your post, I can almost feel an exhaustion, one that I understand wholeheartedly. I am so very sorry for your loss. Were your parents still together when your stabilizing parent passed away? Were you able to grieve or do you feel you had to take so much responsibility for your mother that your own grief had to be paused?

There is no shame in reaching out, and there is no right or wrong period of life to do it...  and I understand your fear, but I want to recognize your courage for making steps on the road of self validation and healing. A hard road, but the only one worth living for.

Are you a single child? What is your situation, is there any possibility for you to disengage a little bit from your mother? Take a breather for yourself to process your grief and find yourself back again?

I hope this forum helps you as much as it helped me. Lots of wonderful, wise and kind people on here to lend a ear to you and offer you support.

Do you have any time for a bit of self care right now?

[WalkbyFaith]

Welcome to the forum, IslandKid. I can assure you, you are not alone in these feelings of fear that she might know you are talking about her. We have been controlled by the fear of our mothers' reactions our whole lives, I think even these irrational fears become "normal." Anyway, I am right there with you.

I hope you will find the care and support you need here. This group of people is so helpful and supportive. Hope you feel welcome to share as much as you need and breathe in some understanding and relief. 

[IslandKid]

Thank you so much for making me feel welcome. I don't know why this is all hitting me so hard right now. It's eating up a lot of my energy and mental space.

Actually, I do know why. I've got two younger siblings, one of whom is emotionally and geographically distant. The other is invested in keeping my mother free of all stress. They believe I make up things about her. The result is that I've got two people telling me that I misunderstand/have no empathy/cause trouble. I get the anger and the inability to see beyond her emotional wants, my sibling gets the smiles and thoughtfulness and the empathy I've literally coached her in.

We're planning a memorial for my father currently. My mother is making some decisions that will, at best, be terribly hurtful to some family members, and at worst will create a permanent rift. I'm trying to head that off, for the sake of the others involved. It's expected that I will be available to help her--I'm seen as heartless if I try to step back--and she has a health issue that can be suddenly serious.

Yes, my grief is absolutely paused for her. In fact, I've been considering not speaking at the memorial. She resented my relationship with my dad. I hate saying that. I struggle with acknowledging it, even after she still questioned every time we laughed when she wasn't in the room while my dad was in the final month of his life. My dad and I were close, and losing him has gutted me. I put everything aside to help care for him for months. It meant being trapped though, feeling more and more on edge, having my anxiety build every time something new stressed her or she started drinking, waiting for the new page she insisted she'd turned to become just one more from the previous chapter.

I'm just terribly sad and terribly anxious. And I have to confront her about the hurtful thing she's doing--excluding my father's siblings from some pieces of the memorial--and I don't know that I can stand it. The anger, the upset, the fact that she'll go to my sibling and they'll tell her she's right because her feelings are the only ones that matter. Within the world of the family I was raised in, that view is the accepted one. I'm the outsider. My husband is absolutely supportive, which is part of what's keeping me together.

When I was young, maybe six or so, I asked for an ice cream cone while we were out. She told me I'd spoiled everything by asking and so none of us would get one. That's how I feel sometimes still, like my job is to be quiet and never question anything, never want anything. Even when what I want is to just mourn my dad without feeling like that is taking up space I don't deserve.

[Turkish]

When I was young, maybe six or so, I asked for an ice cream cone while we were out. She told me I'd spoiled everything by asking and so none of us would get one. 

Given decades of perspective, how do you feel about that now versus how you felt about it then?

[WorkingThroughIt]

Hi IslandKid!

I feel the same uncomfortable feeling when I talk about my BPD sister, almost like I'm being watched and she's going to pop out the second I talk about her to get in my face and confront me until I take it back.

I'm so sorry for your loss, I hope amidst the chaos your mother is kicking up that you're able to find some time for yourself to grieve. Since it sounds like your mother is doing as she pleases for his memorial, maybe you could take some time afterwards to hold your own personal memorial for him? Maybe go to a place where you have good memories together and just sit for a while and remember how lovely he was? Or go on a trip that you think he'd enjoy?

Do you feel like maybe your siblings don't see her behavior as clearly because she's idealizing them while devaluing you? My own sister swapped from devaluing me to idealizing me and I've noticed she's less likely to show me her worst behavior, while my mom still faces the brunt of it as her current target. I think if you did take a step back, they might see her behavior more clearly without you being the scapegoat.