Dumped off the car in the parking lot...

[keepitup]

Hello all!

Things were great between me and my Bpdbf for a while, but since friday, it took an horrible turn.

Context: I have finished my master degree recently, and thus, started a new job. I am very happy about it. Meanwhile, my bf lost his job. He is still studying at university but is currently unemployed. He mostly spends his days playing video games.

I gradually started doing more hours at my job. I work from home, but need to be available Monday through Friday. Since I work on a computer all day long, I needed a more comfortable chair. My boyfriend kept telling me over and over to get one. It seemed more important to him than to me, to be honest. Finally, I told him, alright we could go buy one this weekend, what do you think? I wanted to go with him since I never bought this type of chair before and he seemed like he knew this better than me. He was very irritated and said that he would go when he felt like it, probably next week, to which I answered that I had to work during weekdays, so i was available only during weekends to do shopping. He was definitely mad and said he preferred not to talk about it anymore. Today, he asked me if I still wanted to go shopping for the chair. I said yes, knowing from experience that saying "finally, maybe today is not a good time" would trigger him more. I was soo wrong.

He drove like crazy on the road. Though I knew he was mad because he did not feel like going shopping and probably felt I "forced" him to do so, I could'nt help but feel his reaction was way too extreme for the context (and yes, I already saw him dysregulate and I know pwbpd can do extreme things when triggered over sometimes trivial things). It still felt way too  much and I was very scared. When he started driving extremely fast in the mall parking lot, I could'nt help but say "Calm down"! Then, with an angry look he told me to get off the car, which I did, since I was scared. He then drove off like crazy. People driving behind him looked at him and at me on the side of the road and were like "What? Are you serious?" I could never have believed he would do such a thing.

He finally came back and waited for me next to the mall. I asked him what was going on and he said I could not be in his car anymore since I did not like the way he drives. I let it slide and we finally bought the chair... which he paid even though I had clearly stated I was the one who would pay for it.

On the way back, he drove normally. Once at home, I was still frozen in shock. I said that I did not liked what happened and that I had been scared. He told me that next time, I either walk of shut the *** up about how he drives. He told me that it had been months since he told me to buy a chair, that I was too lazy to do so, and that when I finally decided that I did not want to buy it during the week even though I was not working that much. So, he said he went from wanting to help his beloved darling to having to go buy a *** chair for his *** cow. I did not answered to that and simply went away in another room. I still find it unfair since he does'nt work, doesn't do chores, and blames me that I should be available when he "feels" like it...

So then, I would be grateful to have your insight on the following:

1-How to I make things better from here? I know I can't let the things he said slide as if nothing happened. I don't deserve to be treated that way and I don't want to be a victim of his hurful behaviors. I know better than to start an argument about this when he is dysregulated, but I don't know how to handle this afterwards.

2- I hesitated to go to my parents' afterwards, but I was scared it would just raise more hell. I don't think I am in physical danger, so why should I be the one running away from my home? From your experience, should I take a distance and leave home when these kind of things happen and come back after a while? I feel it would be worse and put oil on the fire.

3-I feel that he came back after dumping in the parking lot me because he felt guilty. He must have known he had had an horrible behavior. Could it be possible that he projects his poor behavior on me by calling me names afterwards?

4- I intend to not ask him for any service for a while. I don't intend to get in the car while he is driving either. Am I enforcing a legitimate boundary or am I just giving him what he wants? I can't help but feel that he drove fast, knowing I don't like that, to "punish" me. (I'm still bad at boundary enforcing, still learning :p )

5-Could the whole situation have something to do with the fact that he could be jealous of me, having my dream job while he lost his? Maybe it's far fetched, but I can't help but wonder... I feel like sometimes when something trivial triggers him, there might be something deeper hidden behind all this.

Thanks in advance for your feedback!

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[Cat Familiar]

You are certainly right that no good comes of trying to discuss things with an emotionally dysregulated partner. It can be possible to bring things up later when he is back to stasis, but often that can merely open the can of worms again.

You’ve got some major relationship issues: his unemployment, his lack of motivation, his need for control, his non participation in household chores. Yes, it’s very likely that he feels shame since your career is going well, and he is stalled.

It’s far better to make a graceful exit when he is starting to dysregulate than to be a participant in the drama. When you see he is getting worked up, you could say that you are going to leave for a half hour or so and do an errand. Giving a set time when you will be back is helpful, so that he doesn’t feel abandoned. A half hour could be enough for his amygdala to calm down and for him to practice self soothing behaviors. Plus, it does your relationship no good to see him behaving irrationally. Over time, you will lose respect for him.

I certainly wouldn’t trust my safety to someone who uses their car to act out emotionally. Behaviors have consequences. If you try to protect him from experiencing consequences of his behavior, expect to see more of the patterns you don’t want.

[keepitup]

Thank you for your feedback Cat Familiar.

I agree with you. I had not realized his need for control, but it makes sense regarding the way he behaves with me and with other people around him.

He still looks angry and avoids me. Meanwhile, I lived my day as usual, without getting into the drama. I will let him self-soothe.

I wish I'll be able to discuss the incident with him eventually, even though I don't get my hopes up about the outcome. Staying true to my values and enforce my boundary (not getting in his car) may be more efficient than words. As you say, he'll have to live the consequences of his behavior.