Undiagnosed BPD partner how to calm down?

[Imluc]

Hi, new to the forum and grateful for what I've read so far what an amazing resource. I suspect my partner has BPD/EUPD and my life with her is extremely hard. We have children from previous relationships who are with us a lot (and get on really well) so it's very complicated. I am very nervous about posting here as I fear my partner might find this and set off a major angry outburst.

I wish I had a magic wand that could calm her down, this is where I mostly need advice while I establish a longer term plan. Her episodes are ever more frequent and since she started taking anti-depressants (though I have no idea if she is now) she has been consistently angry with very little relief.

She blames me entirely for how she feels, she centres all her hate and anger on me, she makes false allegations, threatens me, shouts and swears at me and controls every aspect of my life, all the while projecting everything back on to me and making me feel like I'm the one living the life.

She functions seemingly well at work and despite confessing to having imposter syndrome she is, I think, very successful. When other people are with us she is usually fun, affectionate and positive towards and about me however when we say that last goodbye the hate starts up again. Anything small can trigger, and past issues are raised and gone over repeatedly, twisted and manipulated and weaponised. She is convinced I am a woman destroyer and a narcissist, she tells me I'm not allowed to have anything to do with her children one day then the next asks me to take them out for the day while she works.

I have managed to persuade her to see a therapist and look in to assessment, however that went horribly wrong. When we have had couples therapy briefly before she was at some of her worst. I can't own what's going on in this relationship with anyone as I'm far too ashamed that it's happening to me and I'm letting the children down.

My past isn't perfect and even though we weren't together at the time I did a few things in a previous relationship (some of which with her) which weren't great. I have a very complicated family situation. She uses these past incidents as threats to go public and she wants to make sure that everyone knows what I am. Nothing is that bad I'm bothered about, but there are some things relating to my family that she threatens to reveal which would have a very damaging impact on my children. Not things I've done, but other members of the family.

Her family have told me that she previously had an episode and self-diagnosed as bi-polar but this was many years ago. She has seemingly had functional relationships but has a strange attitude towards her most recent ex.

Months back she went through what I think some might consider a manic episode where she left me, wouldn't tell me where she was, lied to me about what she was doing while telling friends and family she was having a holiday. She was saying she was suicidal (this was not the only time, other times I've pulled pills out of her hands).

She will often be angry and hurtful for a period of days, then I may get respite. It takes the form of messaging, phone calls, following me around the house, forcing me to sit in rooms with the door closed while children play elsewhere. I struggle to keep the children from it. She says the most hurtful and hateful things to me with ease and never shows any remorse or care for the impact it has on me. If I put boundaries in place such as don't swear, please speak respectfully she will say she doesn't care, I don't respect her, respect is earnt and she will escalate. If I talk about the impact of her words on me, or am visibly upset (crying, begging) that makes no difference, in fact it can bring more hurtful words.

I have no way of bringing her down. I listen to the endless hurtful words and messages. She controls money, who I can and can't see and speak to, will not allow me to exercise as she won't mind my children (despite me always looking after hers), if I go for a walk during the work day she gets angry, I can't see my family without lots of issues, lots more than this but it's a flavour.

I could go on and on about the relationship issues but essentially I'm looking for advice about what things to say and not say. One 'problem' perhaps is that 99% of the time I remain very calm and passive and am either crying or silent, I don't rise to her level of anger, I'm told that can sometimes make things worse by not giving the reaction. I always indulge in listening so if the phone rings I'll listen to all the words. I apologise constantly, I say that there's obviously something wrong with me, I say that I want to help her and do better by her, that it isn't her fault. I always say that I can't understand the hurtful words she is saying or what she actually wants me to do so I beg her that we go and see someone together to help communicate better.

Does anyone know how to bring people back to a calmer head space when they are going through this? She has been such an amazing Mum and friend in the past I'm just at a loss in how to help her as I always seem to make things worse.

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[babyducks]

welcome lmluc,   welcome to the forum.   I am glad you reached out in your first post.

so it's very complicated. I am very nervous about posting here as I fear my partner might find this and set off a major angry outburst.

I understand the concern.    many new members share that thought.   that's why this site is anonymous.   what is recommended is that sharing of personal information that would uniquely identify you is kept to an extreme minimum.   no real names or locations.    No specifics, children are often identified as D10 which means daughter 10 years old.    use good computer hygiene, don't leave tabs open, don't save passwords and when you leave this site, clear your browser history.    Its smart that you are thinking about how to manage this.

I wish I had a magic wand that could calm her down, this is where I mostly need advice while I establish a longer term plan.

Exactly right.    it's going to take some time and more than a few posts to craft a longer term plan.   there is a lot to read here, and a lot to process.   a lot to figure out how it fits (or doesn't) into your relationship.

I'm going to start with a link to one of the LESSONS sections.     There are lessons and workshops located throughout this site:  (click on the green link)

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.0

there are communications skills and tools that can help reduce conflict.   I will say that I did not find them intuitive.   in fact they often ran counter to what I thought might help.

we often talk here about 'not being invalidating', which was a new idea to me.   being invalidating can raise the emotional temperature phenomenally.   you might have already experienced this for yourself but when our partners are experiencing an emotional dysregulation saying, 'you just need to work to calm down', is invalidating and guaranteed to put the emotions through the roof.

She blames me entirely for how she feels, she centres all her hate and anger on me, she makes false allegations, threatens me, shouts and swears at me and controls every aspect of my life, all the while projecting everything back on to me and making me feel like I'm the one living the life.

Yes she would.   pwBPD, (people with BPD) believe that how they feel is caused by the people and events outside themselves and the way to feel better is to get those people and those events to change.    when this doesn't work, as it naturally wouldn't, the cycle of conflict escalates.

I just want to make a note that you don't want to share what you are learning and reading here with your partner.    at least, not just yet.    you want to be certain you understand things and are comfortable with how to approach in the most positive way possible.

Anything small can trigger, and past issues are raised and gone over repeatedly, twisted and manipulated and weaponised. She is convinced I am a woman destroyer and a narcissist, she tells me I'm not allowed to have anything to do with her children one day then the next asks me to take them out for the day while she works.

most of us have experienced this.   we understand.    pwBPD have harmfully intense emotions that switch very rapidly.   they deal with these emotions by off loading them on the people who are closest to them.     when the shame, blame, hurt and anger get to much they 'project' them onto the closest person, often the romantic partner.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

She uses these past incidents as threats to go public and she wants to make sure that everyone knows what I am.

I am sorry to read this.    that has to be difficult.   I would call this emotional abuse.     again most of us here have experienced abuse in our relationships, physical, verbal and emotional.   do you mind me asking are you in therapy yourself?

She was saying she was suicidal (this was not the only time, other times I've pulled pills out of her hands).

do I understand this correctly?   she isn't suicidal now, but has been in the past?

I have no way of bringing her down. I listen to the endless hurtful words and messages. She controls money, who I can and can't see and speak to, will not allow me to exercise as she won't mind my children (despite me always looking after hers), if I go for a walk during the work day she gets angry, I can't see my family without lots of issues, lots more than this but it's a flavour.

Its going to take some time and effort to make some positive changes for you.     I wish I could tell you there is a quick fix, or a set of magic words but of course there isn't.

Does anyone know how to bring people back to a calmer head space when they are going through this? She has been such an amazing Mum and friend in the past I'm just at a loss in how to help her as I always seem to make things worse.

There is no way to control how another person acts or speaks, what we can do is change ourselves so that we respond better, we contribute to stability and not to the cycle of conflict.    does that make sense?    many times the thinking is 'but she is the one with a problem, she needs to change, or be fixed or something.  its her not me'.    and what has been shown over and over again is that is not the way forward in a BPD relationship.

well that's a lot to digest.   please keep posting.  the simple step of writing things out clearly will help.  it did for me.

'ducks

[Imluc]

Hi 'ducks, I'm so grateful your response, I read it immediately but took my time to reply as lots has been going on, lots of the usual trauma, this defines my life despite all the children.

Your comprehension of my issues and your feedback and recommendations were amazing, I truly thank you and I'm working through the links you sent when I get a moment without prying eyes.

Today, I'm at the end of my capacity to cope, it's being going round and round for 3+ years and I'm letting my own children down and also hers. Tonight she was filming me even though I was doing nothing that could possibly be considered inflammatory, my kid came out of the shower naked and begged her to delete the footage as he noticed her. She then proceeded to shout and twist and lie at me. How can I cope with this. Without context you won't understand but she projects all her issues directly on to me and her hate is absolutely relentless. Every part of me screams out I have to protect the children and get away from her, but how can I without extreme escalation of behaviour. She is there in front of them all saying she will call the police. She said that she needed to film to protect herself which the children can hear. I was entirely benign, I am always very calm. I was doing bed-time, sorting the kids, doing all the jobs having just spent the day doing things for an event they were at. How, how how, do I stop her doing this to them? How can I limit the exposure and prevent it all happening?

I realised I hadn't answered your question about her suicide threats. She was in the past, regularly talking about it, for example calling me saying she was on a bridge about to drop her phone in the water and jump, but other sources confirmed (with photos) she was at a theatre with a glass of champagne. She would try and walk out with a load of pills in her hand but make sure I had seen them and that I would stop her. I had to pull her down from a high window while her children played below. Since I set a boundary that I would call the police and her sister if anything got to that stage again, talk of suicide has stopped. However, there was detailed discussion with her (as recommended by professionals from mental health crisis) about how she would do it and what her preferred method was. At the moment, she has not mentioned that for a couple of months now (long answer sorry!). That's reassuring, but again I can't help but feel it's a control piece now I know more about what she may be experiencing.

You also asked about therapy for myself. My partner forced me to take therapy alone (despite me begging to do it together) because I needed to fix myself. I went with that front-of-mind and my therapist quickly dismantled it and said I was in an abusive relationship and the things happening to me weren't OK. She was the first person (2 years ago) to suggest perhaps BPD or another sort of disorder were at play really. I have not been in therapy for at least a year for me.

I'm so grateful for the links you shared, I'm going to work through them now. She is absolutely out of control tonight and I have to do something to help her and more importantly the children. Thanks so so much for everything you said, you have no idea how glad I am to have someone at least read and understand what I'm going through.

[babyducks]

hello lmluc,

nice to hear from you.    let's begin to explore some of the points you raised and maybe see what we can make of them.

She is absolutely out of control tonight and I have to do something to help her and more importantly the children.

Do you?   Do you have to do something to help her?    In these high conflict relationships, there are usually many layers of things going on.   it's often hard to see what is 'help', what might be enabling, what might be participating, what might be contributing, and who is responsible for what.

who is responsible for her being out of control?   and who is responsible for her actions and what she says?   this isn't a trick question.       It's been years that my Ex is gone now but I vividly remember how incredibly persuasive she was that it was MY FAULT, and that I was responsible, and that I needed to do things to make her FEEL BETTER.   It was so compelling.     here is what I found to be true for me.    when she got upset because I 'wasn't treating her right',   wasn't 'being kind enough to her' or 'wasn't paying enough attention to her',  if I tried to help her feel better, help her manage her feelings, things typically got worse.    If I tried to help, then I was accepting responsibility for her emotions, and validating the thinking that I was the one responsible.    She got to offload her emotional chaos onto me.    She would blame me,  I would try and fix it, it didn't get better, she would blame me more,  I would try harder.    Can you see how this became an endless downward spiral?

One 'problem' perhaps is that 99% of the time I remain very calm and passive and am either crying or silent, I don't rise to her level of anger, I'm told that can sometimes make things worse by not giving the reaction. I always indulge in listening so if the phone rings I'll listen to all the words. I apologise constantly, I say that there's obviously something wrong with me, I say that I want to help her and do better by her, that it isn't her fault. I always say that I can't understand the hurtful words she is saying or what she actually wants me to do so I beg her that we go and see someone together to help communicate better.

I noticed this in what you wrote earlier.    let's look at this okay?    would you say this approach is helping?    does it help her calm down?    does being silent end the cycle of conflict?   does it model good behavior for the children?   does an apology end the circular argument?    from what you wrote and what I experienced myself in my relationship, I am going to guess it makes things worse.   buying into her distorted view of reality doesn't make it go away, it reinforces it being there.   

two pieces of advice are almost often given to newcomers here.    1)Boundaries and 2) Validation.     establish boundaries, good effective healthy boundaries about what is okay and what isn't.    filming a kid coming out of the shower naked is a boundary violation.    that is not okay.    and validate what is valid, not what is distorted or disordered.   

how does this sound to you?   

'ducks