Triggers

[Foggydaze]

  Hi I just stumbled onto this site and reading some of the articles have already started to help me better understand what my pwBPD is going though. While we have been together for the past 22 years, and reflection now shows how up and down our relationship has been, it has really gotten much worse over the last 8 years with the last 2 ending with us separating. We are currently trying to work on our relationship, which only gotten worse since the separation, and still face an up hill battle.
  So one of the big issues that we face is that I am not good with keeping boundaries, especially when it comes to my over sharing of our finical, and her personal details. This she has, and I know it too, asked me to stop and keep quite on these topics with other people. My history is bad with this, as I have a bad habit of over sharing anything that is ongoing in my life. To further compound this problem for me is that I was recently diagnosed with ADD and I can see now how much my untreated diagnosis has effected our relationship. Especially since she was un diagnosed with BPD while being treated for major depressive disorder. I also have been really bad at completing things that I say that I would do.
  I am really struggling with knowing that my actions has caused her so much pain and hurt, which was why I did give in and say that I was ending things back in Nov 2021. At that time I ended up not handling a situation very well and putting our daughter's feelings above hers which looking back was really poorly handled by me. Long story short she ended up staying with her mom for over 6 months while I stayed with our 2 daughters and 4 foster kids, over that 6 month period I was seeing her daily and trying to show her that I wanted her back. It was the darkest period of my life, and much worse for her. We were each others first relationship and made it to 20 years before our separation. During the first 2 months of the separation she sought out a relationship with someone, my mistake in saying that she should go on a date to see if I was who she wanted to be with. This turned into an intimate relationship for a bit, while still wanting me to win her back. She was with two other people, with the last one ending up with me finding her at the door of his place the next morning because her mom was worried about her and wanted me to find her. I did not handle that very well either, and was probably the only time in our relationship that I didn't hold back my feelings.
  To say that we been through a lot is putting it mildly, but now I am realizing how much her BPD was hurting her, and how much my avoidance was feeding into it. I really want to make our marriage work, but am afraid that I am making things worse for her. I see how I am triggering her, and how her rage comes out so much more frequently now. I guess my comment is see how I can make our relationship work when I have so much guilt because of how my actions have hurt her, I hear this every single time when her rage takes over and nothing that I say will change her mind. I am worried that I am hurting more by staying than by not ending it. I should note that we are not fostering any children now and it is just our 2 girls with us. [/size]

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Jabiru]

Hi and welcome It's good to hear you're looking to improve things. That in itself is significant. You can't change the past but you can change your actions now and in the future. From the Tools menu at the top of the page is one on boundaries. If a discussion turns into a heated argument, you have the power to remove yourself from that situation and prevent it from causing more damage. Say you need an hour to calm down and simply exit the room. Check out the other tools and people's stories here and you may find some useful information to apply to your life. Thoughts?

[Foggydaze]

Hi Jabiru,
  Thank you for the reply, boundaries are differently a problem for me. I will check out that for sure, I actually had a conversation about that just today with her. Normally when she gets heated I sit there taking it all from her sinking deeper into myself, it has been a major issue with her that I don't say much or react much when she is angry at me. I have  now realized that nothing that I say, when she gets like that, will change her mindset and leaving the situation is the best way to handle it. Finding this site defiantly open up my eyes and gives me hope that we can turn around our relationship.