dBPDf attempted suicide, left a note... Do I tell my siblings?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi all. I could really use some advice here, especially from other people who's parents have bpd.

Recently my dad has been improving a lot. I believe it's a combination of mood stabilizers, all of his children being (mostly) out of the house (having undivided attention from my mom), beginning to drink to relax (even though he's always been very against it, going as far as smashing cooking wine bottles in the sink when he finds them), and my parents just not telling us when episodes occur.
My point is, there are some things I've still been worried about and things are still complicated, but over all, we all seemed to be trying to learn to coexist as a family.

However, about two months ago, my dad had a pretty serious episode. My sister was staying at my parents and they began fighting for several hours so she came to my apartment. I texted my mom to check on her, and then again a few hours later when I didn't hear back. At about two in the morning I checked my mom's location on a whim, and found she was at the hospital. Their fight had escalated and my dad had made a suicide attempt. When I called her, she tried to tell me it was just an accident, but I asked her point blank and she admitted what had happened.

I believe that she would not have told us what happened had I not happened to catch them in it, so to speak. We tried to get her to open up about what happened, but she brushed off our concerns. The pattern of behavior in my family is my dad has an episode and then we all just pretend it never happened and it's never addressed, the only discussion is speculation among my siblings. None of us really talk to our dad, out side of events where we are physically present anyway.

Because of how little information was being shared and how stressful this event was and because I thought we were doing better, I went snooping in my dads nightstand hoping and terrified to find some clarity. I know this is a huge invasion of privacy and I should not have done it and I knew when I did it that it was only going to hurt me, but I felt as if my parents have just been lying to us about the progress he's making.

I feel horribly about that decision, but what's done is done. The point is: I found my dads note. It was very angry and hateful and he essentially blamed his family for it. My dad has used rhetoric like that all my life, but never in such drastic context.

I know my dad was splitting when he wrote that note. But I've still been limiting contact even in person and feeling more like we're all just acting than anything else. It's been causing friction in my dad and I can tell I've been stressing out my siblings, they all think my attitude is going to set him off, and they're right, sometimes it does.

Sorry for the long winded backstory but here's my dilemma: Should I tell my siblings about the note I found? I feel like it would be selfish to put that on them and jeopardize the healing some of them are doing. I don't want to always be the one dragging things up and making things worse... but I also want them to understand that I'm not just suddenly causing drama, I'm just coming to terms with this new development.  I also know that I would prefer to know the truth even if it was sucky. But that could just be me, I don't know.

Anyway, if you stuck with me this long, I appreciate it. And I would be very grateful for any perspectives on this. I feel very gross about the whole situation and feel like I need to make a decision on this soon and then just live with however it works out.

[NightwingingIt]

Hi all. I could really use some advice here, especially from other people who's parents have bpd.

Recently my dad has been improving a lot. I believe it's a combination of mood stabilizers, all of his children being (mostly) out of the house (having undivided attention from my mom), beginning to drink to relax (even though he's always been very against it, going as far as smashing cooking wine bottles in the sink when he finds them), and my parents just not telling us when episodes occur.
My point is, there are some things I've still been worried about and things are still complicated, but over all, we all seemed to be trying to learn to coexist as a family.

However, about two months ago, my dad had a pretty serious episode. My sister was staying at my parents and they began fighting for several hours so she came to my apartment. I texted my mom to check on her, and then again a few hours later when I didn't hear back. At about two in the morning I checked my mom's location on a whim, and found she was at the hospital. Their fight had escalated and my dad had made a suicide attempt. When I called her, she tried to tell me it was just an accident, but I asked her point blank and she admitted what had happened.

I believe that she would not have told us what happened had I not happened to catch them in it, so to speak. We tried to get her to open up about what happened, but she brushed off our concerns. The pattern of behavior in my family is my dad has an episode and then we all just pretend it never happened and it's never addressed, the only discussion is speculation among my siblings. None of us really talk to our dad, out side of events where we are physically present anyway.

Because of how little information was being shared and how stressful this event was and because I thought we were doing better, I went snooping in my dads nightstand hoping and terrified to find some clarity. I know this is a huge invasion of privacy and I should not have done it and I knew when I did it that it was only going to hurt me, but I felt as if my parents have just been lying to us about the progress he's making.

I feel horribly about that decision, but what's done is done. The point is: I found my dads note. It was very angry and hateful and he essentially blamed his family for it. My dad has used rhetoric like that all my life, but never in such drastic context.

I know my dad was splitting when he wrote that note. But I've still been limiting contact even in person and feeling more like we're all just acting than anything else. It's been causing friction in my dad and I can tell I've been stressing out my siblings, they all think my attitude is going to set him off, and they're right, sometimes it does.

Sorry for the long winded backstory but here's my dilemma: Should I tell my siblings about the note I found? I feel like it would be selfish to put that on them and jeopardize the healing some of them are doing. I don't want to always be the one dragging things up and making things worse... but I also want them to understand that I'm not just suddenly causing drama, I'm just coming to terms with this new development.  I also know that I would prefer to know the truth even if it was sucky. But that could just be me, I don't know.

Anyway, if you stuck with me this long, I appreciate it. And I would be very grateful for any perspectives on this. I feel very gross about the whole situation and feel like I need to make a decision on this soon and then just live with however it works out.

[WalkbyFaith]

I'm so sorry you are going through this - how awful to discover such a note.

I think how you move forward might depend on your siblings' relationship to and understanding of your dad. In my own case, my siblings are so enmeshed they will not even admit anything is wrong. I am the only one who can see the dysfunction or is willing to say anything - which makes me the bad guy and my bpd parent the victim (in my siblings' eyes).

However, in your case it sounds like you and your siblings are more on the same page? Understanding your dad's mental illness and working on healing? Is that accurate?  If so, then I think I would be more inclined to share the note with them. It could help bring clarity to their processing/healing. And you wouldn't have to bear that secret alone...

But I dont' know, others might have better advice!

[Notwendy]

Yes, this is hard to deal with and very distressing.

I wouldn't share the info about the note. One reason is that, with members of my family, I have no guarantee they would keep it confidential- even if they say they will. In my FOO triangulation is an issue and BPD mother is very manipulative. Even if someone doesn't intend to break a confidence, they may say something if she pushes them for information. It may get back to your parents that you found the note in his drawer- and cause your parents to be angry at you. The other reason is that it may cause bad feelings between family members. He wrote it in a moment of dysregulation. Once that is over, he might not feel that way but the note is more of a permanent record and may cause unscary long term bad feelings.

The "rule" in my family was to not ever let on about the extent of my mother's mental illness, to pretend her dysregulations didn't happen. It seems your family has this "culture of secrecy and denial" about your father's issues and if you brought it up, you would be the one they direct their anger to. The fact that your family is looking at you as the one causing problems by your reaction shows that they would not be able to give you the understanding and support you need at this time, and they'd likely frame you for their own emotional distress.

But you - yourself- have feelings about what happened and even if your family can not be validating or supportive- you need to process these and feel supported. I think this is very worthy of some counseling or someone supportive to talk to- for you. Your family doesn't seem to be able to offer you the kind of emotional support and truth and validation you need right now. It seems that saying something to them would not feel supportive to you in the way you want it.

I think if your siblings want to know, they will ask you, but if not discussing this is how they cope, then they need to do it their way.  Your family is blaming you for being emotional over it, as your feelings may threaten their way of coping. I understand the feeling of participating in keeping a front, yet not doing this can result in anger at you, and that's not supportive to you at the moment. You have a right to feel what you are feeling right now. Please take care of you and find a supportive counselor or person you know you can talk to about this.

[2of3]

Since it appears from your post that your family are all aware of your fathers suicide attempt, why not ask your siblings a hypothetical question …if Dad had left a note would you want read it?   

If I was your sibling I would appreciate this approach. If you told me you had the note I would feel compelled to read it.  By asking the question you are suggesting you might have it, without forcing me to make a choice to read or not to read it.

I once asked a friend I knew if she would want to know if her husband was cheating.  She was adamant that she wouldn’t want to know…so I didn’t tell her. It seemed to work for them.  I suspect she suspected and didn’t want to be forced to make a choice.

One caveat is that you can’t lie. If someone asks if you have a note you may have to share it.  Also it might bring to your Dad’s attention that it is missing.  But at least you’ll know who wants to know and who doesn’t.

[NightwingingIt]

My mom told us about my dads diagnosis a few years ago, but he does not know that we know. He does not believe that it's an accurate diagnosis and has quit seeing therapists for bringing it up or independently diagnosed him with it. Everything is very hush hush, but the actually diagnosis has forced my more reluctant to admit siblings to acknowledge his abnormal behaviors.

We're all very young (mid to early twenties), so we're all still kind of raw from living in such a volatile house. My dads sudden positive change in personality has been very unsettling for me, he's much less erratic, and volatile, and angry. He still says and does things that I feel are not anchored in reality, but those things aren't angry anymore, most of the time. And we've all kind of collectively decided that we can work with any bpd behavior if it means he's not getting angry.

This really hasn't been terrible, but it does make me feel at time like I'm just remembering things worse than they really were. So, in a way, despite how terrible his episodes make me feel, when they do occur I feel somewhat validated. Like I didn't just make it up. This note was very hurtful and I'm not happy about it, but I do feel like it's a tangible reminder that I didn't warp his anger in my head, I'm not misremembering it, it was really that bad. It's not a good thing, but it does feel somewhat validating, in it's own way.

I know one of my siblings has the same feelings that I do about how disorienting it was for him to suddenly stop being angry. I think that they could also feel slightly validated by it, but this sibling is severely depressed and has been all our lives, they're recently started on antidepressants and are doing better and I don't want to cause a set back. I don't have the note, I didn't take it with me, but I think maybe the removed nature of hearing about it and not actually seeing it could lessen the blow.

My other siblings don't like to talk about my dad. Some don't want to dwell, the youngest I think is still too hurt. I don't know how they would be effected and I try to respect how they're dealing with all of it. Plus, I keep thinking, do I really have a right to blow up solid ground for them? Am I just wanted to tell them so I don't have to be the only one who knows this even though it's my fault that I found out? It's not really my place to decide these things, but it's not like I can get there opinions without telling them.

I don't feel comfortable phrasing it as something happening to someone else and getting their thoughts that way. Largely because I'm a terrible liar and I get found out immediately and I think for sure they'll see right through me, which would defeat the point.

I know this is a really complicated issue, and it's might not even be fair for me to ask this here. I did recently start counseling, but I'm having a hard time trusting my therapist so I haven't brought it up to her. It's almost like I physically can't talk to her, but I figure y'all at the very least can understand how complicated issues involving a bpd person can be.

I really appreciate the feedback, thank you for taking the time to try to help me with this.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Nightwinginglt,

Hi. I've been trying to walk in your shoes for the past hour. Trying to imagine what it was like to go through this attempted suicide, and then to find such a terrible, unloving and angry note, and then how it is like at present to be the sole keeper of all this anger your father wrote he held against his family, but that, this is immensely important : was never your fault, nor yours to carry.

From your story, I get the sense that you are the eldest, and that maybe you always took it upon yourself to protect your sibblings? I think it is important to understand the dynamic and the kind of responsibility you are wearing on your shoulders, to define your next course of action.

What about your mother in all this? Do you regard her as someone safe? Did she weigh on you, growing up? Asked you to take care of things with her or maybe instead of her? Does she know about the note?

It would help me to understand the kind of weight you have... I hear loneliness and a need to connect with your sibblings through truth, but also a deep sense of responsibility, not wanting to weigh them down or cause them further grief?

I hear mistrust and fear of the world, which trust me : I get, completely and am not judging you for it...

Just asking questions here to try and make sense of all those emotions and needs you likely have right now, but are maybe finding hard to differentiate... I've certainly been there.

There is more to this than how sharing the note will affect your sibblings, and there is no easy answer. What we can do, is help you find the answer that will work for you.

How are you feeling regarding this note? I hear you feeling validated, like a proof that you didn't imagine the hardships you went through while you were young. Trust me, I get that. That's part of you. Are there other parts in there willing to share how they felt finding this note? Maybe a sad part, or a very angry part?

Being raised by a BPD parent is... intense to say the least, and not in a good way. My inner child was enraged... enraged and confused. And beneath this very real rage, there was a world of suffering and of loneliness.

Seeing, and talking about myself as a summation of "parts" have been incredibly useful in making sense of my emotions, of who I am, of how I see the world, of my priorities, which all serve me in my decision making... Those emotions would explain the inner motives behind the actions you are thinking of making, and maybe help you find the best one for the part of you that is healthy and safe. This part is the one that came here to seek support and guidance from like minded people.

Just thought you might want to give it a try. This is a safe board, no one knows who you are, yet we are all here to support each other's healing journey from a traumatizing childhood that no one here chose for themselves.

 

[Notwendy]

Reading more about your situation, it seems that although your father wrote that note, he didn't intend for it to be read by his children. It was also a moment in time for him, probably a dysregulation but often, people say things in anger that they may regret saying later.

It was typical that even a small transgression in our family was considered the crime of the century. In that moment, we were the worst kids on the planet, with parents raging at us as if we had committed a horrible crime rather than not pick up our toys or didn't listen to our mother or something like that. Although Dad did not have BPD, his reaction to anything that upset BPD mother was also exaggerated as he wanted to avoid hers. He could say some hurtful things in the moment.

Then a short while later, my parents would act as if nothing happened and as if they never said these things.

My father was angry at me during the last times in his life. I had been holding some boundaries with BPD mother due to her behavior. She was angry at me, so he was too. He said some awful things to me. Before he said them, I assumed we had a good relationship and I assumed he cared about me. Now, I question that. People who knew him keep trying to reassure me that he didn't mean what he said, that he said these things because he wasn't feeling well. I can rationalize that but it's hard to hear these kinds of things.

I think your father's note had a similar effect on you. Just as I don't think my father would have said these things if he was in his normal state of mind, neither would your father have said them. But I don't think these words are a sum of how your father feels about you and your siblings. My preference would be to spare them from seeing the letter. They are young and this could change how they relate to your father. Yes, he has BPD and that is difficult but if he wrote this in a moment of dysregulation, he probably would not want this to be seen as representative of how he feels all the time.